Finding Love

Wow, great post! The title caught my eye right away. You know, I've learned this year this very same thing you are talking about. For me, what I thought was a curse- my biggest weakness, was shyness. But because of that shyness, I felt a need to make a project to confront my feelings and blog about my journey of stepping outside my comfort zone publicly. This has been one of the best things I've ever done, and I've learned so much about myself and my so called shyness. I've learned that it was a gift, and without it I never would have started my shyness project blog, never would have come in contact with a lot of great people who read my blog, and never would have learned so many lessons as at a young age as 18. Your article really expressed how I feel about my once biggest insecurity, and how I feel like in a way it was a gift, and it had a purpose. My purpose is to help others in similar situations learn these lessons for themselves. Great article!

I'm looking forward to your future posts.

A marvelous article!! I start to notice this as well...

Hi Ken,

As I read your post, I felt it was bang-on. As a student in clinical training, I felt these words really capture what many people struggle to own -- their own uniqueness. The next step is: how do you share that uniqueness with your family, community, and society so that everybody can benefit?

There is a comedian named David O'Doherty who sings a comic song of his own composition called "Very Mild Superpowers", describing his apparently banal special talents (e.g., making old pens work, and knowing where everything is in a kitchen he's never been in, link to the song lyrics, http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858751746/)

Although these examples in the song are "light", the principle is the same: can you own what makes you, you? It can be so much 'easier' to conform, but so much can be lost, and at what price? The converse situation is the person who is so inveterately 'unique', they forget the comforting truth that deep down, people ARE also all the same. The key is that this is deep down, so in our daily work and world, it's o.k. to be quite different.

Thanks again for this post. I hope it sparks further discussion.

This really spoke to me, as I have been called too sensitive. But some of the greatest joy I've known comes from being so sensitive, and being touched by others' kindness and warmth. My best friend shares this quality too, and we understand each other and know that most of the world is not like us; this makes our friendship deeper than words can express.

This has been the best article I've ever read here, like a former poster, I'm looking forward to more from Ken.

This is a great article and I love how you put it as "Gift Theory"! Look forward to your future posts...

this article transcends what i've seen in modern psychology and approaches a core issue of loving oneself in a way that i've only seen occult and/or spiritual literature do.

for a male who tucked away his extreme sensitivity at an early age i certainly understand in a very visceral way what the author means by gift/curse. as i've aged, i'm now in my mid thirties, i've become able to be brave enough to smash thru years of protective armor in order to approach this delicate subject and begin to appreciate what a gift it truly is. growing up in a western macho society, in a macho town, and in a manly macho family, i quickly learned to hide away certain aspects of myself with a deep, deep shame.

dr. page's bullseye analogy is apt, and i built up more layers than an onion. expressing a persona as opposed to giving up the real me. i did this out of fear and shame. understandably this causes disturbances in all types of relationships, but especially romantic ones, where genuine sharing and communion is of paramount importance to a successful pairing.

i've been more verbose in my age, so i'll sum this up: i've grown into myself, feel more comfortable in my own skin, and am not ashamed, and am even proud, to show my sensitivity. i realize what a wonderful gift it is and not everyone is lucky enough to be so endowed. as i'm able to express more of my real self there has been an abatement and subsiding of a general sense of unease and tension, and my relationships have improved. as a younger person i didn't have a true sense of myself or what i wanted to be, so it's no surprise that others weren't able to either.

thanks again for such a helpful article!

I don't know one of my most hated traits is my apathy toward myself. For others I can often be called over sensitive, and I really hate to see others in pain, but I basically expect myself to be in pain, whether it's because a recent girl hurt me, or I feel like my friends are abandoning me, there's always something i expect to be wrong. Where I'm at now is I could be absolutely crazy for a girl one day, then she'll tell me nothing will happen between us and the next day I'll be upset, but i just don't seem to care. And it's not just girls, i just dont seem to care about anything involving me anymore i feel myself starting to be numb to my own pain, in a bad sense. I don't really see how this certain trait could be a strength

Turning our challeneges into gifts is a theory I discovered in graduate school but your concept really draws in the Self and self-acceptance. I ran a group on envy yesterday and what came out of that was in fact, what we envy in others is often related to some blind-spot we have regarding ourselves...an inability to see what makes us good, special or unique...some quality or way of being that remains trapped within us due to wounds...I can't wait to hear more on this subject from you. It's compassionate, smart and full of potential. Thank you!!!

I cannot thank you enough for this... I nearly cried when reading it. I've been completely stuck and lost in my third year of college, suffering from low self-esteem. On and off through the years I have valued my gift of being non-judgmental towards people and situations. However, lately, I've loathed it for not allowing me to quickly pick a job path and for not being able to relate to my friends as they talk about other people. I started to believe I was slow, naive, "too soft," and, most of all, wishy-washy. I tried to mask this sensitivity and broadmindedness in order to fit in. I've been more than miserable.

Now I have an idea, or at least a next step!, of where I want to go in my life--possibly into therapy.

Two words: trite commonplace.
I cannot fathom why so many people seem to think this article is anything else than a bland theory without any true psychological insight, only created to make people feel better about themself - as if they really needed this so-called theory to be truly happy - and consequently to make them spend money to listen to this sort of nonsense. This is precisely the reason why I cannot take "self-help" books seriously.
In other words, if you are interested in psychology, read Freud or Lacan.

This is an excellent column, thank you for writing it! It reminds me a bit of positive psychology.

If I had a therapist like you, I might have actually benefitted from therapy. My therapist was always so intense and focused on negative emotions. Not once did she ever mention something positive about me or my life. I dreaded going there.

I came to the realization myself many years after that many of my negatives were actually the flip side of a positive. For instance, I always took criticism at work for being easily annoyed by interruptions. I later realized that this reflected a positive trait that another employer might value - I can concentrate intensely for a long time.

I just don't buy it. This mode of therapy forces people to again and again dig into "wounds" in order to discover strengths, bringing about continued pain that does not need to be resurrected. These experiences need to be viewed as only as thoughts in our head. We can have power over these thoughts by simply releasing them. Instead of repeated visits to a counselor to pay for the opportunity of unearthing crap from the past, learn instead that these things have no or very little relevance to the very moment being experienced. Find your strengths or develo some new ones. You can do it.

What a pile of crap. No wonder the world is in such a sad state. This is a perfect example of irresponsibility. Fuck feelings, "Maybe we should chug on over to mamby-pamby land where maybe we can find some confidence for you, you jackwagon!"
What a joke but you are making the big bucks off of the weaklings, you must be so proud.

This seems to have a lot in common with the Jungian Shadow. It also reseambles books written by Debbie Ford, particularly The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. How familar with these ideas are you?

I think there is a lot of merit in what you have written here and relates to myself and many other people that i know and have interacted with over time in business and personally. I run a business incubation company which assists entrepreneurs in developing new ideas or existing companies going through change management. In this role i am a facilitator, coach, mentor and negotiator towards goals the purpose of the company and its shareholders.

Whilst all businesses at their core have a widget with the spectrum of business requirements, ultimately of course it it people that make them succeed or fail.

Where i feel this this article relates is where i have understood my own skills and attributes that enable me to do this and indeed observe the same conclusion that you have expressed in many people. Indeed the converse is true that people who try to be what they are not or attempt to change what they are with out conviction often end up half way or back where they started time and time again.

In my instance many years ago I realised that my skills listed above were born not from an academic learning but moreso from the early formative years and later throughout my teens when my parents were going through divorce and i became the middle person between mother, father, brothers schools etc to maintain the peace and that these mirror in effect the same buffer, protector, guide and inspiration that i now employ to achieve success for others and myself.

I only really became aware of this around 19 when i finally realised that i was still trying to protect and solve my parents marriage and then later learning that this was more about protecting my own emotive feelings of love that are deeply seated within us.

I am know for my patience, tenacity, ability to see things laterally and from many perspectives towards maintaining a direction, staus quo or reach an objective.

Academically, socially and personally this followed (indeed should i say led) me and likewise all the way through my work and proffessional life. Always taking roles that with hindsight used this attributes and i can see the pattern emerge that was formed at that time.

Is this good? should we embrace it,, or change it and as some people have mentioned is it good to go back and open "wounds". Those wounds/scaring is there so liek it or not it remains and does affect our current and future state depending on our circumstance. So the question should be more related to are we happy with what we are able to do with these conditioned attributes that have led from an event or pattern of events? does it do us good or others without expense to ourselves? Can they be used for good or commercially and provide a good path for your life.

For me i effectively reframed my pain, negative experiences, stresses and strains to see how a positive label, career and business could follow it. I must say it wasnt a forward planning excercise though as I have learnt the meaning of all this along the way. So in pursuit of knowledge of self and other things,, including the why what hows of life i came to this reframing excercise.

Has it worked and do i concur with the article that this is a good thing? again i repeat this depends on how one relates the 'good'
I have certainly enjoyed and achieved some great projects,, many amazing people and worked on several new leading edge small and big projects that have done good and i have benifited from.

However i do have this eternal optomist and healthy realist view of life and expereinces which you think was good,, though i must say that in the last few months and now reading this article i realise that the healthy realist piece needs a wake up call as in someways i can see where i am still taken back several times to where my parents were called in to discuss some matters at school as things had taken a turn in my ability to complete work or achieve high marks,,, off course i had to sit outside whilst they discussed and then they came out and said dont worry all is sorted and will be ok. I smiled happy for them and they went back to their own conditioned response and about 5 years later after leaving uni to find another path into the commercial world i moved to the other side of the world and created a great life of my own,,,,, off course using all the skills i thought i learned,, yet accept that were actually conditioned from that period. A Quality Assurance Auditior, A Sales & Marketing Director, Corporate Development Executive - Head of Mergers & Aquistions,,, then business & property incubation where I "help you help yourself" and "develop returns from property - physical and intellectual" In all these cases I have certainly learnt and enjoyed most of what i have done for others and myself - however if honest there has also been a vast amount of business and life experience that has been spent on others at my expense,, i have always chalked it up to the MBA of life or school fees.

Where am i going with this response? resading this article today co-incides with bringing my learning and understanding up todate over the last few days where further to going into a separation over the past 8 weeks from a 6 year relationship. As a result of self examination and some close proffessional friends i have realsied that these events of my childhood and what i then went on to reframe whilst they have a good label,, they have also been deeply rooted as a somewhat self limiting belief and with negative consequences.

In business as mentioned above i have been too easy to give away, give patience when acting may have been better or a faster way to a conclusion,, taken legal action where others have taken advantage. I have not let any of this affect others negatively with intent or indeed circumstance where ever possible and i am good a t what i do,, however i am questioning whether this is what i should be doing? as despite spending my time assisting others reaching their goals,, am i getting closer to mine if i have seen that these attributes have led to a breakdown in my realtionship and many of those goals? - i might add that i had a 16 year relationship / marriage with two great children before this relationship and that ended in divorce,, with my ex divorcing me. So personally i can say that the last 8 weeks have turned my foundations on their head in someways as once again whilst trying to be open, good, with positive intent and helping whereever i can i am back to the start again. I have learnt a lot in the last 8 weeks including somethings i have looked to change within myself,, with the aim to improve,,, However this has conflicted with my belief that what i do is what i am or in reading this article is it more a case of what i am is what i do?
This led to putting most of my business on hold as i evaluated what this meant as i had moved away from that business full time to be in partnership with my life partner,, or so i thought!!

Your article has come at a good time as i was contemplating attempting to 'switch off' some of my attributes in an attempt to leave behind those periods and redisciver myself - this off course would stop some 15 years of business modelling i have followed in myself. Having read your article i will not be doing that,, there are very few truely negative aspect of my character so there is no need to stop them believeing they are 'bad'. In recognising where they come from and that yes they are my key characteristics then a) it is unlikely they can be left behind and b) in refocussing them or willingly adding new skills or approaches to how i focus on making things happen i can move forward by strengthening my current skills and how i communicate with others.

So in the end i think you have to ask yourself a question that is good for anyone to do - are you happy with what you are doing or achieving? really happy? if yes then keep doing them,, if not then adapt the things you're not happy with to realise yes you can do anything that you want in life,, yet whilst i beleive a leopard can change its spots,,,,, it can only do so if it really, really, really, really, really, really,, wants to. Of course most people can't get past the first two commitments to adapt/change so why fight it when it can be first embraced and secondly enhanced with other complimentary skills. This should lead,, as the writer eludes to, a more natural, free flowing approach and ability to enjoy and be productive in life.

So rather than change, adapt yourself and your surroundings to use that conditioned skill base to enjoy your life and with those around you who genuinely share or compliment as opposed to just using you - this would concur with your findings / other than those whose past creates negative effects that keep repeating in life.

Me,, i have realised i was still indirectly blaming others for things that are up to me to address,, those others are oblivious in most cases,, so why waste the energy. Secondly i was blaming myself for things that finally i want to put behind me with this knowledge that it wasnt at fault. If positive changes or opportunties come from this yes then i will follow them as oppossed to a radical attempt to change career / interests.

I fancy trying to learn to swim better or in different progressive conditions as opposed to being a fish out of water learning to try and walk.

Trust this makes sense and can assist others.

Regards,

Mark - Thats Me! - The Facilitator/Incubator - That's my job!