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Amidst the devastation in wake of the tornados in Oklahoma arises some important and golden moments. While the pictures of death and destruction remains in my brain, I cannot help but hold on to the words of the responders, teachers, parents and children who have lived through this tragedy. I heard one mother respond to a reporter who asked about her obliterated home; her response was perfect. In essence she said, 'Who cares about the house, my children are safe. ' A child who was trapped in school talked about his teacher, who blanketed her students with her body. A responder holding two children in his arms wept openly. Families clung to each other, their spirits united, even in the face of the complete destruction of their neighborhoods and homes.
In the face of tragedy, people find the roots of their values and join together to help and support one another. The desire for ego-driven riches are nowhere to be seen; it's about life, family and security. It takes a disaster to bring those values back to the front of our thinking. Values-based thinking is that which aligns our heart and our actions. I have witnessed all too often the disconnect that misaligns our actions from our values, and, to no one's surprise, money becomes the tipping point.
So much of our decisions are guided not by our values, but by our fear. The fear of other's perceptions and judgments creates decisions that lead us far from what we care most about. During a recent meeting with a prospective client, the following transpired:
"Help me understand," I asked, "what is it you want most? What would you consider success?"
After a thoughtful pause, the response was: " I want to put my head on the pillow at night and sleep peacefully. I want to stop worrying about bill collectors, phone calls, not having enough to cover my basic expenses. I want to breathe without feeling this enormous weight on my chest."
It was a tearful and painful admission of the state of their lives.
If you were to judge them by their clothes, you would think they were well into the range of being comfortable financially instead of scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck.
By examining their money biographies, it was easy to see why:
Both spouses grew up in households where money was a focus of crisis and conflict, which typically results in difficulty in communicating about money.
One spouse grew up in a household where money was used to show their "success." So, this became her "normal."
The other spouse grew up where neither parent talked about money —it was a taboo subject.
While these perspective clients really wanted a financial life that was free of the terrible stress they were experiencing, neither one knew how to move forward and were shackled by their past history.
During the course of our meeting, I could see the awareness begin to take hold. They were playing out the lessons they learned that were ineffective and destructive. There was complete agreement that real change had to occur. They needed to take control of their money life, their attitudes about money and place their true values at the center of their beliefs and actions. Their personal financial tornado has left them with nothing-other than the opportunity to rebuild.
