The young couple, married only a year or two, sat across from each other at the conference table. Consternation and confusion mixed briskly in the air.
"When you said that you were going to buy a car, I never expected you to buy that car. I mean, there wasn't an option you didn't include. We don't need anything that fancy," Lynn was saying. Her demeanor was not confrontational or accusatory; she really wanted to understand.
Her husband Jim tried to explain. "I don't know; it's just how I do things. Maybe I should have talked more about it with you before. I really didn't think it was a big deal."
Before any chance for the conversation to devolve, I proffered a suggestion.
"I'd like you to take a look at this exercise; it's called Money Memories and it is designed to provide a deeper understanding of your money biographies and therefore your attitudes about money. It would be useful for all of us in this discussion and as we move forward in the planning process."
They each tore into the exercise, writing their answers thoughtfully. When they finished, I reviewed their responses.
"How was that for you?" I asked, turning first toward Lynn.
"This was incredibly revealing, Michael. While I work at a top firm and make an incredible living, I come from a very modest upbringing. It all makes sense to me now - when I think about buying a car, I think as my family did. My family would only buy a previously owned car for basic transportation - no bells and whistles. That was normal to me, so when Jim came back with that mega-car, I was totally floored."
Jim was dazed by the revelation. "That's so interesting. I guess, being raised in a household where money was no issue, it's what I always experienced. My father would buy top-of-the-line cars with all the options and nothing was ever mentioned. This was normal, even expected."
They looked at each other and smiled, realizing that while they both spoke the same language, 'normal' meant different things to each of them. In all their years of dating and marriage, this was the first time it became real.
"As you can plainly see, there is no right or wrong. We make decisions based on what is 'normal' to each of us and thinking about how the other might define it doesn't usually come up, unless you are aware from the start. You two are such a great couple, both focused on success and a balanced and happy life. This is a great opportunity for deeper understanding and for creating better dialogue, especially around money."
They nodded and smiled more. They learned a great deal during this hour of discussion, a lesson that would bring them even closer and, of course, help in the purchasing of their next car.
