No, I'm not talking red convertibles or 50-somethings looking for love in all the wrong places. I am talking about adults who have aging parents and growing children, each with significant financial and emotional needs. This may not add up to crisis, but without careful planning it can definitely lead to overwhelm.
Panic, though, would be the best description of the looks on the faces of my clients Rita and Joe. They are a couple in their late 40's with three children. Both work full time to support their family. Joe as a self-employed computer technician and Rita as an administrative assistant for a major medical supply firm. Everything had been going along fine until all of a sudden, it seemed, mid-life financial crisis set in.
"Our eldest starts college in a year and Rita's mother is in need of financial and physical assistance! We need Rita's income, but she is torn because her mother can really use her help! Honestly, we want to help but are really worried about our own retirement too!" Joe says, his voice cracking.
Their story is all too common. Joe's statements hang in the air.
Rita steps nervously in to fill the silence.
"Michael, there are so many issues right now, we don't even know where to begin. As our Financial Planner we are looking to you for some direction."
Joe shakes his head and looks down at the table. "John starts college next year, Katie two years later; that's two in college at one time. Rita's mother can barely make ends meet and her health is beginning to fail. She cannot stay in her home alone anymore. We aren't even maximizing our retirement plan contributions. Rita is contributing enough into her 401(k) to cover the firm's match and you know how I struggle to get my SEP contribution in by the deadline. There are simply too many financial issues converging at one time! Frankly, we are near panic."
Both Rita and Joe look at me with the wide eyes of someone hoping for a miracle. I wait a moment and then jump right in.
"Guys, the truth is, time is against you right now. There is just not enough time, money or emotional resources to handle all of this right away. So what I'd like to ask you to do is take some time to look inward and outward. When I say look inward, I mean for you to get in touch with your resolve to handle the issues at hand. Looking outward involves examining your own financial resources, as well as that of others in your family, to figure out how to meet all the needs of yourselves and your family."
Rita responds with a snort. "Well, it won't take me long to look outside. I don't have any other family to help out with this. I am an only child and the only person here to help my mother. I love my mother; I just don't know I can quit my job to care for her. Joe's business is growing but I don't think we can survive on Joe's income alone right now. Our son John has his heart set on going to college; he's worked so hard to get himself in the position to get into a great school. His wrestling coach thinks he could garner some attention at the state tournament."
Her words come out in a torrent of emotions and stress. Unfortunately, there is no phone booth handy in which to do a quick change into my Superman costume. It's just the three of us and the problems are very real.
"I hear you. I wish I could suggest a quick fix. To be honest, though, given the information I have at this moment, I don't see an immediate solution that will cover everything. Here's what you can do right away: gather around you those who are in position to help. By that I mean a geriatric case worker or social worker who can help review your mother's case and help gather resources available for her care. I believe working with an Elder Care attorney might give you some guidance as well. I also think you could speak with John's guidance counselor and coach to get a sense of what might be available in terms of scholarships and financial aid."
I pause to allow this to sink in. They are listening intently and Rita is taking some notes.
"Another idea is to seek the help of a therapist or counselor who might be a great resource to share your thoughts. In addition, is there a clergyperson with whom you are close and connected? They can also be a great help and comfort and might have some ideas for you as well. Lastly, we will work with you to realign your budget and suggest any potential changes that could make this less stressful. What we need most right now is focus. You are confronted by so many diverse issues that finding and maintaining focus can be next to impossible. By placing your focus on these small tasks I've just described, I hope that the overwhelm you're feeling will dissipate and make way for solutions."
Rita and John left with a fortified purpose; to take things one step at a time and to create an action plan based on gathering information and resources. While I would have loved to deliver a magic bullet solution, just giving them some pertinent actions had to be enough for now.
It would be great if we all had the financial and emotional flexibility to handle any and all challenges...but that's rarely the case. Life happens and all we can do is the best we can do. In the midst of a crisis, specifying your resources and asking for help can be the best solution possible. The collective community brain offers thoughts, knowledge and experience that can be invaluable in times of distress.
Like dealing with any crisis, it may not be easy. But you may just come away with more than a solution - you may come away with a stronger support system and the knowledge that you can handle whatever life throw at you. This is a gift indeed - maybe even a greater gift than that red convertible.