Fighting Fear

Confronting phobias and other fears

Being Attractive is Attractive Enough

It is not necessary to be the most attractive person around. Feeling competitive is not justified by the facts of attractiveness and the elements that go into being attractive. Read More

Mostly true

For the most part people are attracted to a kind personality and somebody who will listen to them. One does not have to be a model to attract the opposite sex.

However, there are a few exceptions. When one is a narcissist or self-involved, they are not interested in getting to know another person but far more concerned in the type of person with whom they will be seen by others. Back in my early 20s I dated a guy who seemed to be getting uglier by the day yet was very concerned how I looked and whether he should dump me because wanted a prettier girlfriend. He did ultimately break it off with me because he wanted to ask out a pretty woman who lived in Alaska who had recently gotten engaged to another man.(True story)

She declined his offer of a date but I was glad to be rid of him.

Kudos to you. Im sure you

Kudos to you. Im sure you were the prettier girlfriend anyway!

Dating only very attractive women

It may be reasonable to describe such men as narcissistic, but I am struck more by how insecure they are. I remember an acquaintance from college who told me in so many words that he did not have enough self-confidence to date someone who was not very attractive. It struck me at the time as sad.

You are correct.

I am very average looking, yet I have a dynamic, outgoing personality which attracts men. I always ask questions about their careers, lives (in some cases their wives;-) ), and that hooks them. Everybody is different and I find others lives fascinating. People pick up on my interest and they, in turn, become interested in me.

Visibly aging is a drastic

Visibly aging is a drastic change in appearance, and it's inevitable. If you marry at 20, your husband will think you're ugly at 40. If you meet a man at 40, he will find you unattractive at 60. One need not gain 100 pounds or lose a limb or become disfigured to acheive that dramatic change in appearance. All we have to do is get old.


Your statement is far from being universally true, not to mention absurd. Taken to its logical conclusion by your statements, the solution is for everyone who married at 20 to switch partners at age 40.

Men often find a greater range of women to be attractive as they age. For many men at age 40, attractiveness is a youthful look, which can easily be exhibited by a 40-year-old woman who has lots of energy, sense of humor, and enthusiasm for exercise like running to keep her slim and trim. At the same time, there are many 20-year-olds who are badly out of shape and show little interest or energy.

In fact, I can remember when I was 20 years old I found myself embarrassingly attracted to a few 40-year-old women who seemed much more mature and sophisticated than my age peers.

So your statement is total baloney as it is worded.

This is True

"Men often find a greater range of women to be attractive as they age."

This is definitely true, especially if the men are married!

First of all, men don't look

First of all, men don't look all that hot as they age either - and they know that, and they worry about that too. Still, like women, they love to be appreciated for all they offer, not just youth.

Also, not all women or men peak in their 20s and 30s! I have a lot more men interested in me now that I did back then, and I think it's for two reasons: first I got in really good shape, and second, I love men, I'm interested in them, I try not to prejudge them, and I don't NEED them.

Another interesting observation -- haven't you ever been to a bar or someplace where two people who might not be classified as stereotypically beautiful see so INTO each other and are having SO MUCH FUN together. Doesn't it make you jealous as all hell?!

It's also in the eye of the beholder

Yes, not only is there variation in the "hotness" of people as they age, there is also variation in what people think is hot. The conventional wisdom is that a young person would not be interested in someone more than twice their age except for the money. And some cynical people would claim there are no exceptions to this rule. They're wrong.

I personally know a couple who met and married when she was 20 and he was 40. They've been married almost 40 years and they still say it's been worth every minute. Had NOTHING to do with money.

clothes and fit

Clothing and grooming on both men and women can have a subtle and significant effect. Also diet and exercise can make a difference. These two factors together can make a huge difference. This is not really mentioned in article.

This article gave me an

This article gave me an insight on the true factors of attractiveness. Setting, is a factor that I never would have thought could make a difference on the attractiveness of a person. I did not realize that certain settings could make a person look more attractive than what they would be in a normal setting. This article goes to show that looka are not what we always look for when chosing significant others.


This is probably one of the most accurate articles I've seen thus far on the subject of attractiveness. There were several key points that were excellent and highly truthful that you don't hear laid out as clear and concisely as here.

Most people search for a mate blindly, and don't really consider what they really want. This is what usually leads to bad relationships and subsequent break-ups. Because people visually observe others before they even get to know a small piece of personality or attitude, this tends to be the starting motivation to date certain people, and not others.

Without even realizing it, we classify people into "date-able" and "non-date-able" based on their appearance. The people who are "date-able" may not even be the ones we desire for at first, but if they were to express interest in us (and the personality aspects were desirable), we would likely be willing to give them a chance.

Being overly attractive is not nearly as important as just making yourself date-able (i.e. Not giving them a physical or social reason to not date you) to the people you're trying to date. This usually comes in the form of being relatively in shape, a pleasant positive person, and taking care of yourself.

Great article.

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Fredric Neuman, M.D. is the Director of the Anxiety and Phobia Center at White Plains Hospital.


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