Fighting Fear

Confronting phobias and other fears

Why Are Some Men Faithful to Their Wives?

It is hard to determine why some men are casually, or continually, unfaithful; but there are a number of reasons why other husbands are faithful Read More

#6

Although 3, 4, and 5 apply to me, I also don't cheat because I love my wife and made a promise to her when we got married.

I am currently in the 25th

I am currently in the 25th year of my second marraige. I first married a man when I was 21 years old and by the 3rd year he had cheated on me at a nascar race.(His so-called friends couldn't wait to tell me.) I stayed another year but could not get past it. I divorced him the fourth year. I then met and married my current husband, who I have been with going on 28 years, we have two sons, age 19 and 22. I had a hard time believing that any man could be faithful, because my dad also cheated on my mom constantly, and she would tell me even as a small child that that was why daddy wasn't home; certain times for several days. So I am sure that has had an effect on me as well. So for years now I would accuse my husband of cheating (I now Know he hasn't) I have never met another man that I thought about being with no matter how good-looking he is. My husband says the same thing. We have a great sexual and marital relationship. Not to say we don't have rough spots now and then, I think we all do. I am so happy to finally realize that I can trust him! I just hate that it took me so long.

Two thoughts

From what I understand, polygamy is banned in many Muslim countries as well, and there were rather stringent restrictions on how Mormon men could marry multiple wives. In the latter case, these restrictions were not always honored (as per my family history), but often they were.

To add my two cents: I feel that the vows I made at marriage ought to be honored for the duration of our relationship. For me, that sentiment exists regardless of my religious convictions. I married my sweetheart because I wanted to and felt the desire to live the rest of my life through her, through the good and the bad. My wife and I made promises to each other over the altar, and we owe it to ourselves and to each other to live up to our word.

We can never know that comes in the future, but I would hope that if our marriage became undesirable--if we no longer wished to remain together, if we wanted a new partner, or whatever other problem--we would terminate our marriage and move on. To me, there is no appeal in trying to live a double-life. I want to remain a man of my word.

Two thoughts

From what I understand, polygamy is banned in many Muslim countries as well, and there were rather stringent restrictions on how Mormon men could marry multiple wives. In the latter case, these restrictions were not always honored (as per my family history), but often they were.

To add my two cents: I'm with Mike: I feel that the vows I made at marriage ought to be honored for the duration of our relationship. For me, that sentiment exists regardless of my religious convictions. I married my sweetheart because I wanted to and felt the desire to live the rest of my life through her, through the good and the bad. My wife and I made promises to each other over the altar, and we owe it to ourselves and to each other to live up to our word.

We can never know that comes in the future, but I would hope that if our marriage became undesirable--if we no longer wished to remain together, if we wanted a new partner, or whatever other problem--we would terminate our marriage and move on. To me, there is no appeal in trying to live a double-life. I want to remain a man of my word.

Great to know why they DON'T cheat

I do sum up why they DO cheat: 1) They think they can get away with it. 2) Their need for instant gratification or sense of entitlement. 3) Their lack of respect for themselves, and therefore their wives and other women.
It definitely does not seem to matter whether or not your sexual relationship within the marriage is great. I've seen/heard them seek out either an object of an affair within hours of what you thought to be a an amazing, romantic sexual experience.
It is very sad, I don't think you can easily tell a "cheating"s type before you marry him... You just have to trust all you can while keeping your eyes open...

Just sayin'

I have nothing to add about when and why men cheat. I would like to point out though that in those studies of the offspring of monogomous animals, it would not be the male partner that is 'cheating'.

Bigger Picture

So Dr. Neuman, men are apparently pre-disposed to infidelity and the reasons for not doing so are based on selfish utilitarianism.

Then tell us, are you married? Do you cheat? And if not, which of your 5 itemized constraints have restricted you from acting on your innate inclinations?

Scarcity

Scarcity mentality, religious convictions, and disneyesque romanticizations of monogamy, love, and commitment.

The previous commenters have already alluded to this predisposition.

Morality and infidelity

I'm gobsmacked! Dr Neuman writes that "Nowadays, of course, it is considered immoral and improper for someone married to have more than one sexual partner". Notice the "of course", the self-evident assumption of absolute truth in this sentence.
And 'Men have an understandable inclination to lie about doing something everyone agrees is wrong'.
What sanctimonious puffery! What monstrously self-righteous judgementalism drips from these sentences. I can only surmise what lies beneath such pseudo-piety. Ah, the shadow, the shadow. The gentleman doth protest too much methinks.

The most

That was probably the most pretentious, obnoxious comment I've ever dry heaved through.

Reply to myself

I have just got email notification of a further post, also in response to this article and looking for it, I came across my comments made about 1 year ago.
I'm thrilled about what I had written.
I do not believe that, 'of course, it is considered immoral and improper for someone married to have more than one sexual partner'.
And I strongly baulk at 'Men have an understandable inclination to lie about doing something everyone agrees is wrong', especially the part about ' ... everyone agrees is wrong'.
I do not believe that sex outside of marriage is something everyone agrees is wrong.
I resent the exogenously imposed moral proscription and prescription in these statements.
Dr Neuman is free to conduct his marriage (if indeed married) or romantic monogamy in any way he chooses. He has no right to impute any immorality/impropriety about anyone else's conduct.
Societal norms change over the years and moral judgements therefore change as well.
The Latins had it right. Tempus mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis.
I guess there may be some outrage at what I have written. To those I would reply that once upon a time (in my lifetime) there were huge, pervasive, absolute moral repugnancies around homosexuality. Times change and morality changes too.
And I know that I may expect responses which begin with "yes, but ... "

Cheating and offspring

In the issue of cheating, people tackles the tabus, the restrictions, bla bla. What about who takes cares of the children if they get pregnant? If men would raise the children enterily on their own. I think not all the cheating would end but it would dicreasse considerably, because they would be too busy.

cheating

It's more simple than all the analysis shown here. Men cheating is due to the fact that generally, our gender is promiscuous. Many of us think with our groin. As Andy Rooney said, "God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time."

Men - Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

I love sex and realize my wandering heart would seek it anywhere & anytime. I'm more in love with God through knowing Him through the Bible. So, love costs everything & Jesus paid it all.

My choice is to love Him by trusting and obeying every day.

Text: Hebrews 13:4

Let brotherly love continue. 2 Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. 3 Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body. 4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Does it happen that men don't

Does it happen that men don't cheat just because they prefer make love with their wife ? I think it's the only valable reason to be faithful !

Sour Grapes

I'm guessing that most of the commenters on this page either are incredibly hideous and never receive any female attention outside of their marriages, or suffer from social anxiety disorders that would also produce the same result. However, for men who are hallway desirable, remaining faithful is an endless struggle of sorts, and really is contrary to men's nature. To assume that every man out there who cheats on his wife (and I'm talking about the men who fall prey to weakness here and there over the course of a lifetime with one woman, not the Tiger Woods) is a selfish, self-entitled, callous idiot is incredibly naive. Many men out there that cheat absolutely adore their wives, are good husbands and parents, but eventually find themselves yearning for a bit of passion that's impossible to emulate in a 10 + year marriage. Yes, even YOUR marriage. I'm not saying that every man out there needs a harem, but for most of us fidelity is a huge effort over the course of many years, and if men slip up here and there (and the same goes for women), a little practicalness and forgiveness goes a long way...

Don't be pathetic. Men like

Don't be pathetic. Men like all humans have free will, unlike base animals. They can choose (just as women can) to never enter a relationship outside of marriage. Give excuses for bad behavior if you want, a looser who can't take his vows seriously is just that, a loser. The human species is neither purely monogamous nor purely polygamous, however, human males do not need to mate with every freaking female they meet, they usually conform to societies' standards. Saying that men are made to be unfaithful is like saying we should murder people who are in direct competition with us. Is it not natural? Gee, animals do it all the time. It's lazy, pure and simple not to get a hold on your emotions. Besides, we are speaking of Western culture here where monogamy is the norm not some African tribe.

Don't be racist.

Don't be racist.

I was right with you ... until that last sentence.

I was right with you ... until that last sentence.

I've been cheated on and the

I've been cheated on and the pain is excruciating. Article after article that I'm finding gives excuse after excuse for men to cheat. If it is "normal" and men can't help themselves, then why is it so devastating? It's the worst feeling I have ever had.

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Fredric Neuman, M.D. is the Director of the Anxiety and Phobia Center at White Plains Hospital.

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