Feeling, Relating, Existing

On emotion and the human dimension

Out To Sea

Following the death of a loved one, we typically both grieve the person who has been lost and preserve the bond with the lost person within our own being. This dialectic of loss and continuance is beautifully captured by the song, “Out to Sea,” written by Stephanie Stolorow to commemorate the scattering of her grandmother’s ashes in the waters of Monterey Bay. Read More

Remembering Bernie

My tears right now come from the sense of loss.

I last saw Bernie at the Self Psychology Conference in San Diego several years ago, where he presented a review and elaboration of systems of pathological accomodation.

I came to chat with him briefly afterwards, and thanked him for the clarifications his paper offered and especially for the emotion in his delivery. He seemed slightly surpriseed for an instant, then his face lit up with a beautiful smile as he thanked me for my comment. This memory is the continuance!


Thank you for your feelings, Ernesto.

Oh, Bob...

I'm so sorry....


Thank you for your feelings, Anna.


So sorry for your loss, Bob, and for the loss to all who knew him or, like me, simply knew of his enlightening and compassionate work. My idea of the afterlife is that when someone has been important to us, we are who we are in part because of them, so they do live on in us.
Best wishes,

loss and continuance

Thank you, Tom. I think we are in agreement about the dialectic of loss and continuance.

My pal

is what he used to call me. His office was across the hall from my law office and for the psst 12 years we had regular lunches and at the end dinners when Elaine was alive. Simply one of the finest persons ever to walk this planet. A wise and kind man. A dear friend. Neville Johnson

our pal

Yes, the way you describe him is exactly how I experienced him. Thank you.


I never had the pleasure of meeting Bernie, but I am an example of someone who will carry the memory of his ideas with me forever. He lives on in anyone who reads his incredible work, and will continue on for many years to come. I'm sorry, Bob, for your loss of a dear friend, and thank you, Stephanie, for such a beautiful song and meaningful lyrics.


Thank you, Helen.


Thank you for writing about Bernie's passing, Bob.
Bernie was so important to my development as an analyst. Fortunately I did express this to him clearly in
a letter some years ago and he wrote me back, so I know that he heard me. I work from his ideas every day
in my practice and will honor his memory in my own writing going forward. Carol


I'm glad to hear about this, Carol, thanks.

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Robert D. Stolorow, Ph.D. is one of the original members of the International Council for Psychoanalytic Self Psychology, which stems from the work of Heinz Kohut.


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