The Sandra Bullock-Jesse James Syndrome

We see it again and again: a beautiful, brilliant, successful woman-the image of what most women aspire to-falls in love after years of carefully searching for the right man. She finally marries him, and then-bingo! Just when she is at the pinnacle of her career, recognized for her achievements and admired by her peers, her husband is discovered cheating!

Do partners of highly successful women cheat because they can't tolerate the fact that their wives are receiving accolades and they're not? Is a fling an attempt to diminish an insecure husband's sense of inferiority? Does he crave attention from a lover who will look up to him as the big shot? Does he cheat because he feels neglected by his overbooked, on-the-go wife? Or because he identifies with his wife's superior status and feels entitled to a bigger "prize" himself?

Whatever the reasons, it seems that men who cheat on their successful wives are becoming a common breed. It's interesting, too, that such men tend to choose as lovers women who aren't nearly as accomplished as their wives. Of course it's impossible to draw conclusions without knowing the personalities involved and the complexities that exist in every relationship. Still, the Sandra-Jesse Syndrome raises a question, which is on the minds of many women: Why can't men handle a woman's success?

In my experience with female clients, colleagues, and friends, I've found that most women are very sensitive to a man's feelings, even when those feelings are unexpressed. When women earn more or are more highly regarded professionally than their partner, they generally do whatever it takes to make sure their partner doesn't feel like he's valued any less. Women are generally aware of the fact that, even in the post-liberation twenty-first century, a man's identity is still very much tied up with his earning power and his success in the outside world. When it comes to success, women still aren't held to as high a standard as men are, which has its pros and cons. The "con" is that some people don't expect as much from women as they do from men; the "pro" is that we tend to value ourselves for more than just our ability to be successful in the outside world.

Women may want to succeed, but most don't want to outshine their men. And many men can't handle being in the shadow of a woman who is more successful. When it's obvious that his partner's star shines far brighter than his own, a man may react on an almost primal level. His impulse may be to restore his superiority by taking her down.

And cheating fools him into feeling he's the victor.

- Dr. Ana Nogales