Entering a new relationship when you are still feeling emotionally connected to your previous partner is a complicated affair, and most self-help books, newspaper articles and blog posts strictly advise against entering such rebound relationships. Indeed, the average advice column will ordinarily contend that rebound relationships distract us from dealing with lingering emotional ties and are unhealthy in that they keep us from achieving resolution.
However, in the July edition of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin we find a study that begs to differ from this popular notion by demonstrating possible merits of rebound relationships. In particular the study shows that rebound relationships might actually help anxiously attached individuals let go of their former partners and achieve closure.
Attachment is of course a regular feature of human psychology, but anxiously attached individuals suffer from a hyper-activation of their attachment system. Because of this, finding reassurance from and reliability in others becomes a prerogative for anxiously attached individuals, as they become more susceptible to negative feelings of threat and rejection, even when no real threat exists. Other general features of anxious attachment are increased fear of rejection and obsession with an object of attachment; an obsession that is often not met with any sort of reciprocity.
Because the above mentioned symptoms of anxious attachment tend to counter-act adaptive acceptance of a breakup, anxious attachment often causes individuals to react to breakups with greater anger or grief, longer feelings of sadness and longing, as well as generally worse recovery. The recovery process is often accompanied by tendencies to view the breakup as a "terrible mistake", and attempts to "rectify", all of which are in line with the general research finding
"that anxiously attached individuals have a particularly difficult time disconnecting emotionally from ex-partners following relationship dissolution. They seem to be particularly vulnerable to ongoing negative feelings, such as sadness and distress, following a breakup".
In a way, the response to relationship dissolution that is typical under anxious attachment can be viewed as a coping mechanism for individuals who seek validation, fear being alone, and possess low self-worth, since by focusing on positive aspects of the ended relationship, individuals may still be able to derive some sense of affirmation, personal value, trust and intimacy for themselves.
In addition to what we already knew about anxious attachment, a new line of research now tells us that a likely underlying root problem of the above mentioned difficulties in letting go of passed relationships is the anxiously attached individual's pessimism about finding a new relationship. Because of this finding Stephanie Spielman and Goeff MacDonald from the University of Toronto argue that to the degree to which a rebound relationship can revive the individual's optimism about finding new love, these types of relationships can actually be "healthy" and beneficial to the process of resolving whatever emotional connection remains to the ex-partner.
As they state in their paper
"focusing on new partners-real or potential-can help alleviate anxiously attached individuals' difficulties of letting go of their emotional attachments to ex-partners. One common event that focuses individuals on a new partner following a breakup is the start of a new relationship."
It must be pointed out however, that it is not the rebound relationship per se, but rather the increased
"confidence in the availability of new sources of connection that anxious individuals need".
Nonetheless, the research suggests that
"rebound relationships may provide benefits that lay theories and self-help books either fail to recognize or underestimate. Given the significant negative consequences associated with pining for an ex-partner (from sadness to stalking), it appears that entering a new relationship may be a reasonable way to facilitate the process of letting go."
There remain of course considerations regarding the quality of the new partner, and other costs involved with getting into a new relationship; and of course the possible emotional damage to the person who is being "co-opted" as a rebound. Wherefore
"a focus on healing damaged self-beliefs still seems the most stable route to recovery from relationship dissolution."
Sounds like good advice.
Main Reference:
Spielmann SS, Macdonald G, & Wilson AE. (2009) On the rebound: focusing on someone new helps anxiously attached individuals let go of ex-partners. Personality and social psychology bulletin, 35(10), 1382-94. PMID: 19625631
