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• Stopping Trigger Thoughts. "Trigger thoughts" include all your false assumptions and beliefs that lead to getting your buttons pushed. Almost inevitably, these thoughts involve logical fallacies. So internally refuting them isn't really a matter of deluding yourself through glib affirmations, but questioning the unwarranted notions that may in the past have led you to lose
Below I list seven types of distorted trigger thoughts that can prompt you to overreact. If you're able to change these irrational thoughts, the distressing emotions deriving from them should change as well. Better, the things that formerly provoked you will no longer do so once you've managed to bring a new understanding to them. So here are the different types of button-pushing thoughts--as well as what you can say to yourself to effectively combat them.
1. Shoulds. The logical fallacy here is that your "shoulds" are somehow universal--that what is intelligent, reasonable, or moral for you ought to be for others as well. But as McKay, Rogers, and McKay aptly put it: "Shoulds are your values and needs imposed on someone with different values and needs." So others are unlikely to be persuaded that they're wrong or bad simply because they haven't lived up to your own basically self-interested standards. Consequently, in your revised self-talk you might say such things as: "People don't do what I think they should--just what's rewarding, or reinforcing, for them"; "I can't expect people to act the way I'd act (. . . or as I'd want them to act)"; "Just like me, people do what they're compelled to; or "I really can't blame others for focusing on their own needs, wants, or values."
2. Entitlement Fallacy. This misconception is grounded in the belief that if you really want something, it's only right that you have it (and to comprehend one possible origin of this fallacy, see my earlier posts on "Child Entitlement Abuse"). Such thinking leads you to get your buttons pushed whenever others (as is frequently the case) take exception to your "righteous" expectations and demands. For such demands may not feel at all reasonable to them--may, unjustifiably, be asking them to relinquish their own wants, needs, limits, or boundaries. If somehow this fallacy has become part of your mental programming, you might say to yourself: "Though I may have the right to want something, others have the right to say no"; or "My desiring something doesn't mean that others are obliged to provide it for me"; or "I have my wants and needs, and I need to respect that others do as well."
3. Fallacy of Fairness. Here the falsehood is that there exists a single standard of fairness and--surprise!--it's your own. The fact, however, is that fairness is a completely subjective concept, based on individual wants, needs, principles, expectations, and values. In short, your definition of what's fair is, finally, self-serving (as is everyone else's). So if your buttons have gotten pushed in the past because you thought you were being treated unjustly, here are some things you might say to yourself before your next encounter with someone whose notions of fairness may conflict with your own: "My notions on what's fair don't have any more authority than anyone else's"; "Their needs (or values) are just as legitimate and meaningful to them as mine are to me"; "What I see as fair is mostly just a reflection of my own preferences"; or "It's important that I validate their viewpoint, too, and think about how to negotiate our differences."
4. Fallacy of Change. This idea relates to the unwarranted belief that you can change another's behavior if you just work at it hard enough. But the fact is that people change only when it's rewarding for them to do so and, additionally, when they're capable of it. So to keep your buttons from getting pushed by others who seem unwilling to cooperate with your (we'll suppose) well-meaning directives, think of saying to yourself: "People only change when they're ready to; no sense trying to put pressure on them"; "The support (help, recognition, understanding, etc.) that I'm getting is all they're capable of giving me right now"; or "If I want this person to change, I have to figure out how they'd be more motivated to change--how change would benefit them."
5. Conditional Assumptions. The illogical thinking here pertains to your gratuitously assuming that because the other person disappointed you, they must not care about you. And once you arrive at such an unverified conclusion, you'll start to feel upset--primed to react negatively to them. In such instances, here are some more rational, "corrective" thoughts to consider: "I need to realize that my disappointment with them doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about me"; "It's not that they don't love me (or appreciate, value, respect, trust, empathize with me) me; it's just that their particular needs right now don't coincide with mine"; or "Sure, I'm disappointed--but they still have the right to act according to their own needs."
6. Assumed Intent. Otherwise known as mind-reading, the fallacy here is in assuming that if another person's behavior caused you distress, they must have intended to make you feel this way. And attributing negative motives to their behavior--because, after all, it did hurt or disturb you--is really (if you think about it) what's pushing your buttons. That is, similar to the other irrational assumptions and beliefs I've already described, it's your subjective (and frequently biased) interpretation of others--rather than their behavior per se--that finally makes you lose your cool (or your "blood boil"). So what you need to start doing in your head is formulating such "pre-confrontation" thoughts as: "I won't assume anything; I need to check this out"; "I'm not going to speculate about why they did that"; or "No mind-reading: I'll just ask them what they had in mind when they said (or did) what it was that so annoyed me."
7. Magnifying. If--perversely (!)--you actually want to let someone or something upset your equilibrium, all you have to do is negatively exaggerate the significance of that person's words, or the event that just occurred. Tell yourself that it's "horrible," "disgusting," "outrageous," "terrible"--or even "catastrophic"--and your buttons will get hammered every time. So to de-stress yourself when you're beginning to get upset and need to address the other person clear-headedly, think first of rehearsing to yourself such messages as "This is unpleasant for me, but it's not that awful either"; "I'm not going to get ahead of myself--this thing probably isn't anywhere as bad as I'm assuming"; or "I'm not looking at this accurately (or objectively): yes, it's inconvenient but it's hardly anything to ‘go ape' over either."
Doubtless, this four-part post has given you a lot to digest about the whole subject of button-pushing. And--if you're one who's struggled over the years to control their buttons across a wide variety of situations--possibly a lot to work on as well. But if you're truly motivated to make changes in your life--changes that in all probability you can make--the many suggestions I've offered here could potentially be of great practical assistance to you.
And try to remember that, in the end--even if someone really wanted to push your buttons--they couldn't do so without your consent.
NOTE 1: In case you missed the earlier posts in this series, here are the links to Parts 1, 2, and 3.
NOTE 2: If you found this post useful and think others you know might also, kindly consider forwarding them its link.
NOTE 3: If you’d like to check out other posts I’ve done for Psychology Today online—on a broad variety of psychological topics—click here.
© 2009 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
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