Defusing Past Disturbances to De-Activate Present-Day Buttons
The topic of protecting--or even eradicating--your buttons is one that, at least indirectly, I've covered in several earlier posts (see especially, "The ‘I Feel Like a Child' Syndrome," but note as well "The Power to Be Vulnerable, Part 2" and "The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance"). And the various methods I've discussed all relate to talking to yourself in such a manner that what was once seen as threatening or hazardous, is now viewed as "no big deal"--as, in a word, manageable. Still, the problem with reactivity is that it can happen in an instant--before, that is, you're able to provide yourself with the self-validation and self-soothing needed to respond judiciously. Again, by definition, when your buttons get pushed, you can't help but react--which is to say, be driven to behave emotionally.
What all this should suggest is that it's critical to identify just what pushes your buttons (or "yanks your chain") to begin with. Otherwise, there's no way you can pinpoint--let alone, work through--those past experiences that now prompt you to overreact to provocations that actually may be more "felt" than real. In fact, it's important to recognize that what incites you isn't necessarily anything that would provoke someone else.
Finally, it may be only because the current-day stimulus unconsciously reminds you of something that upset you weeks, months, years, or even decades ago, that you're compelled to "lose your cool" in the present. But once you can make the required connections between the there-and-then and the here-and-now, you can begin to de-activate those buttons that, till this point, have irrationally taken over your behavior. Once you're able to bring a new and more positive self-understanding to whatever distressing messages about yourself you received--or thought you received--when you were younger (probably much younger), your essential self-image can undergo all kinds of transformative changes.
So what exactly is it that triggers your buttons? And just how do you determine what causes you to become provoked?--what you can't help but react to as an affront, annoyance, indignity, or insult?
Begin by asking yourself: Does this hot button relate to getting criticized? disagreed with? nagged? slighted? scolded? disregarded? ignored? . . . Is it tied to being rebuffed? spurned? made fun of? humiliated? . . . Is it about feeling trifled with? Made to feel weak? inadequate? stupid? Might it be connected to feeling unappreciated? unimportant? devalued? Or maybe taken advantage of? powerless? disrespected? . . . Is it attached to feeling falsely or unfairly accused? distrusted? disapproved of? rejected? Or is being mistakenly perceived as dishonest? guilty? shameful? Or could it be some verbal, or non-verbal, cue suggesting that you're unloved (or--far worse--unlovable)?
Consider making as comprehensive a list as possible of all the different things you can think of that have goaded you into seeing red in the past, that triggered you to instantly defend yourself, or attack the person who (presumably) intended to hurt you--or (as it were) slam the door and "act out" your distress by angrily disengaging from your seeming provocateur entirely. Remember, it's safe to assume that anything powerful enough to have pushed your buttons previously is quite likely to push them again. By now, it's been said countless times that nothing predicts the future better than the past. And the psychological dynamic of button-pushing hardly represents an exception to this familiar adage.
So catalog everything you can think of that incited you in times past. And definitely consider as possibilities the extensive checklist of indignities inventoried above. Unquestionably, you'll find a pattern--whether it's a sensitivity to being criticized, to feeling demeaned or disrespected, to experiencing the other person as devaluing your viewpoint, or even to feeling utterly abandoned or rejected. If you're like most of us, you'll probably discover that you've got considerably more than a single button susceptible to external provocation. And if you're particularly insecure, you may find that you have more vulnerability buttons--or "soft spots"--than, frankly, can easily be enumerated. People characterized by others as "thin-skinned" may well have the most buttons of all.
Once another person hits a nerve deep inside you, there's very little (at least in the moment) that, realistically, you can do. But if, beforehand, you can (1) desensitize yourself emotionally from those past experiences that were originally experienced as deeply threatening, and (2) reassess positively the self-referencing negative meaning these past upsets held for you--that is, reinterpret these disturbing events in a way that is both more accurate and self-validating--then you're well on your way to responding calmly (vs. reacting defensively or angrily) to current-day situations that in the past may have sorely taxed your emotional resources. (And again, my earlier post, "The ‘I Feel Like a Child' Syndrome" goes into considerably greater detail in describing such a self-healing process.)
To the extent that (however unconsciously) you're still programmed to give others the authority to make you feel bad or doubt yourself, you'll instantaneously feel compelled to diminish their power over you by reacting negatively to them. But if you've been able to "update" your self-image by cognitively re-evaluating your past--thereby coming into your own, irrefutable authority as an adult--you'll no longer feel the urgency to react this way. For your emotional equilibrium, shored up by your ability to self-validate and self-soothe, will remain intact.
Even in the face of serious outward challenges, if you've developed an essentially favorable sense of self you won't feel threatened by another's insensitivity, put-downs, or lack of compassion or understanding. For (to put it succinctly) you're no longer dependent on external validation to feel okay about yourself. Your feelings of inner security are now firmly anchored from within. And as a result, if someone says or does something to you that seems unfair or unkind, you're now fully capable of addressing it--or them--in a manner most likely to be effective.
At this point, the other person's once incendiary behavior won't throw you so off-balance that you can no longer keep your cool. Once your fundamentally positive sense of self has crystallized, it's virtually unassailable. And so, in trying situations you're in an ideal position to explain yourself both tactically and tactfully--and without having to be concerned that your expression (facial or verbal) is likely to make matters worse. Additionally, responding assertively is in direct opposition to reacting aggressively--which may have been what happened routinely in the past when your buttons got pushed.
It's somewhat analogous to being bullied, which is an extreme example of external provocation. Once you're able to stand tall in the face of another's ridicule or derision, you're practically immune to them. Nothing your bullheaded opponent might say can make you feel oppressed or intimidated. No one can tease you (or, for that matter, torment you), for you've now "consolidated" a favorable sense of self-one that's impervious to anyone who might, sadistically, wish to taunt you.
