Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality.

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., who holds doctorates in English and Psychology, is a clinical psychologist and author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy. See full bio

June 30, 2009, Personality

Comments on "Criticism vs. Feedback--Which One Wins, Hands-Down? (Part 2)"

Criticism vs. Feedback--Which One Wins, Hands-Down? (Part 2)

By Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. on June 30, 2009 in Evolution of the Self

What Makes Feedback So Superior to Criticism?

It's hardly a coincidence that the word criticism--though many of its synonyms are not in themselves unfavorable (such as analysis, appraisal, or review)--almost always carries negative connotations. The term feedback, on the other hand, is as likely to refer to something positive as it is negative. . . . Read More

Recipient's behavior modification?

Submitted by Anonymous on August 29, 2009 - 12:19pm.

The explanations are extremely helpful in discerning the behaviors...thank you. However, as an extremely empathic person - I've always found that my knee-jerk reaction to judgemental, moralistic and authoritarian criticism has been strongly emotional, and not empowering. I would love to be able to stop reacting like that... since the criticism (warranted or not) can be dissected and understood better with the information you've provided - but it would take me hours, if not days/weeks to become centered enough to be able to do so.

(I work with someone who's overt, persistant criticism peppers every conversation we have, and due to the working arrangements, I'm not at liberty to stop talking with him....and after looking at your talking points - agree that the majority of it is judgemental, moralistic and not usable in terms of productive feedback - however that doesn't stop me from instantly trying to resurrect my self esteem by providing excuses, apologies and defenses to this person.)

Do you have any suggestions for stopping this knee jerk defensive emotional response?

What you're suggesting is

Submitted by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. on August 30, 2009 - 12:40pm.

What you're suggesting is that you may still have a rather weak ego, so it feels as though it's under assault whenever this person criticizes you. The main thing, I'd imagine, that you'd need to do to become less susceptible to his criticism is to strengthen your ego. In this respect you might want to look at two of my other posts: "The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance" and "Our Egos--Do They Need to Be Strengthened or Shrunk?"

You might also want to rehearse from inside yourself ways of responding differently when he next criticizes you by playing from within how you might have responded differently to past criticisms. If you can make this more adaptive response more and more real inside your head, you'll improve the likelihood that you won't react automatically as you have up to this point when he "zings" you in the future.

That's wild, I didn't

Submitted by Anonymous on September 2, 2009 - 3:08pm.

That's wild, I didn't consider that. I did consider thwacking him with the nearest Nerf bat, what little good that would have done, other than my brief personal foray into blatant overwhelming relief from frustration.

Fantasy aside, I will read your further posts, thank you for the references. I've gotten far enough into this to admit to the fact that I cannot change this other person, and have to change my reaction to him - so hopefully with additional reading and introspection - something else will ring a bell and bring on some additional clarity.

Thank you!!