Focusing Less on Feeling Good--and More on Feeling Good About Ourselves
Once we recognize what allows us to feel good only temporarily, we can start searching for more satisfying alternatives. This could take the simple form of changing our diet from mainly junk (or "comfort") foods, to one that's more heart-healthy. Or giving up a daily routine of smoking a joint, or imbibing some beer or wine, to instead devoting ourselves to developing a personal interest, talent or skill--or perhaps even re-thinking our career path. Or we might forego a video game habit and redirect our energy toward cultivating a friendship that won't simply fill an inner void but truly invigorate or inspire us. Or, best of all--if we're really going to accomplish the kind of personal work that ultimately will transform our sense of self--we might set about tackling a difficult problem, one which we may have put off indefinitely for fear of failure.
Generally, the path toward feeling really good about ourselves requires much more reflection, self-restraint and -discipline than we may have demonstrated till now. And developing these qualities begins with an almost spiritual commitment to self that previously may have eluded us--the commitment to becoming the best, most complete and "realized" person we can be. Here our fundamental concern is with liking ourselves more, being prouder of who we are, more self-accepting, -respecting, and -nurturing--and, of course, more empathic, compassionate and understanding toward others as well. Becoming happier (as is regularly noted by experts in the field) involves going beyond mere personal gratification to seeing ourselves as but a tiny part of the larger universe, and so motivated to make a contribution not just to our own lives but to the lives of others, too.
Finally, learning to feel really good about ourselves is a major part of what personal growth and evolution is all about. And our progress in this venture requires us to become more adult in our thinking. Which is hardly to say more serious and somber. For, however paradoxically, the kind of development I have in mind can have all sorts of joyous (even childlike) elements to it. The delight of discovery and self-discovery, of being more spontaneous, adventuresome, and self-challenging can be a lot more satisfying--and even exciting--than the most thrilling diversion we might come up with (think rock concerts, roller-coasters, or various types of revelry).
Most of what I'll address links intimately to the core concept of self-esteem. And my key recommendation on how to give up pursuing transient feelings of euphoria and instead seek out those things that culminate in far-more-lasting positive feelings about self is one that will also boost our self-esteem. And it will promote a self-love that is totally separate from any mere narcissistic gratification.
Here, simply put, is my "recipe." And let me add that while it's easy enough for me to articulate, it may be (certainly at times, will be) anything but easy to implement--or rather, commit yourself to implementing. For this formula might fly in the face of unconscious but firmly entrenched defenses you've adopted over the years to protect yourself from emotional distress.
The behavioral principle I'm advocating is this. Before taking action of any kind, ask yourself whether it's likely to make you feel better about yourself--or worse. Your sole criterion for determining whether to go ahead with any particular behavior is deciding whether doing so is in line with the more positive self-regard you're striving to cultivate. So, independent of how pleasant or gratifying the behavior under consideration might be, if you evaluate it as not likely to contribute to your feeling good about yourself, you're obliged to rule against it.
This could mean saying "no" to any number of behaviors that are enjoyable but can offer only immediate satisfaction (while leading to regrets later on). Or it could mean saying "no" to the kinds of unfair or exploitive requests you've agreed to in the past because (if you've been a people-pleaser) you felt you didn't dare decline. Or it might involve saying "yes" to taking on challenges that earlier your anxiety, or nagging fears of rejection or failure, compelled you to refuse--even though taking on such challenges might have been invaluable in helping you to get beyond irrational constraints or self-limiting beliefs.
When you rise above your reluctance to doing something that's good for you--despite initially not being inclined to do it, or feeling afraid to do it--what you'll notice is that with each positively evaluated action you take, you'll feel better about yourself. Any time you succeed in doing something you judge to be beneficial--or any time you triumph over your resistance to confront an issue or conflict (rather than take the line of least resistance and avoid it)--you'll be able to bask in your new-found courage, your willingness to take necessary risks, and your getting the better of ancient fears about inadequacy, disapproval, repudiation, or defeat.
Frequently, we resort to things that make us feel good as a way of escaping what feels threatening. The way we "cope" with challenges is by dedicating our time and energy not to cope with them. We procrastinate, twiddle our thumbs, or otherwise distract ourselves from the job at hand, for (however out-of-awareness) it's daunting to us.
If we're finally to transcend these internal barriers and elevate how we see ourselves, we simply must determine to choose our behaviors on the basis of how--not immediately but ultimately--they're likely to make us feel. And, frankly, to be honest with ourselves this way takes considerable discipline and fortitude. But it offers considerable rewards as well. Whenever we can disallow ourselves the option of taking the easy way out and do what--deep down--we recognize as best for us, we can experience a trust, appreciation, and liking for ourselves that far exceed whatever "highs" we might derive from focusing primarily on feeling good right now.
So, for instance, if we get ourselves to contact someone-say, to maximize the chance that a project we're working on will be successful--then (even though we may have experienced tremendous resistance about making such a call) we're likely to feel better about ourselves afterwards. And it's crucial to note that this should be true--deserves to be true--regardless of how the other person responds to us. We've managed to get ourselves to do what we decided we needed to, and the inherent praiseworthiness of our effort (i.e., making the difficult call) really doesn't have to be affected by the other person's reaction. Because we decided beforehand that making the call was necessary, we can self-affirmatively tell ourselves that the very act of making it represents a personal triumph. That is, independent of the result (which may well be beyond our control), we've earned the right to see our behavior, our taking the initiative, as successful.
Getting into the habit of choosing to do whatever helps us grow and expand--as well as deciding against behaviors that ultimately keep us stuck--virtually guarantees that we'll be on the right path to feeling better and better about ourselves. It will assure that over time we'll be able to say farewell to old fears--those nervous anxieties and apprehensions that may have governed too many of our actions in the past. And taking leave of these ultimately self-defeating behaviors will enable us, finally, to feel consistently good about ourselves. It will enable a sense of well-being that, after all, is--or should be--our birthright.
Note: As indicated by its sub-title, Part 1 of this post is about "Feeling Good--But Not Necessarily About Ourselves."
And, lastly, I'd like to invite readers to follow me on Twitter. (But I have to confess that I don't tweet about what I'm doing but what--psychologically--I'm thinking. http://twitter.com/drlee1
