Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality.

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., who holds doctorates in English and Psychology, is a clinical psychologist and author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy. See full bio

February 5, 2009, Anxiety

Comments on "Why Criticism Is So Hard to Take (Part 2)"

Why Criticism Is So Hard to Take (Part 2)

By Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. on February 5, 2009 in Evolution of the Self

This post offers additional bulleted explanations to help account for the almost universal susceptibility to criticism. Read More

Critisim and shame?

Submitted by Adrian Villalobos on February 5, 2009 - 10:36am.

I've been in and out of therapy for the past 8 years. Currently I have been working with a therapist for two years, consistently. He has always told me about early childhood pain I have suffered and how it relates to my emotional state of being, just as was described in this article. What I'm trying to overcome is the shame I feel when critisim is given to me. Even the good comments bother me and I do not like them.

Is being ashamed a part of one's inability to handle both good and bad critisim?

Guilt-based criticism

Submitted by Lee Horton on February 5, 2009 - 11:40am.

Excellent articles on criticism. Criticism is an effective way to get what you want if the other person is suseptible to guilt. To change this you must change your beliefs:
1-stop telling yourself that giving in is no big thing.
2-stop believing that what you want is bad or wrong.
3-stop believing that you don’t have a right to an opinion, or that your point of view is less legitimate than someone else’s.
4-stop trying to please the guilt manipulator.
5-stop giving away your power.
6-stop letting the guilt inducer dictate who you are and how you should feel.

criticism from a partner/spouse

Submitted by S on February 5, 2009 - 1:16pm.

I will be particularly interested to see what you have to say about this since it can cut especially deep coming from someone we're emotionally attached to.

Further, if you can touch on the subject from an abusive relationship perspective also - where criticism is typically coming constantly from one partner to/at another and can be particularly cruel - and where issues of power and control (over the other) are involved.

How can a target of such criticism handle that barrage - besides eventually leaving the relationship?

i strongly agree with you

Submitted by farouk on February 6, 2009 - 2:19am.

i strongly agree with you

This is a great topic! I

Submitted by M.S. on February 6, 2009 - 7:22pm.

This is a great topic! I always thought I was especially sensitive to criticism, and was actually ashamed of it! Now I get the message that it's universal; Some people must just hide it well or dismiss it defensively.

I also am interested in the special pain of criticism coming from a spouse. I was in a relationship where I got daily criticisms without criticizing back, and my sense of safety in the relationship went out the window. Now, years later, my spouse has changed. But I can't seem to trust him, even though I have tried. It seems like the mistrust is at such a deep level that I can't get at it to talk myself out of it. I wonder if I ever can. I wish I could.

Quick suggestion here. Have

Submitted by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. on February 6, 2009 - 11:31pm.

Quick suggestion here. Have you tried, with tact and diplomacy, to explicitly talk to your spouse about your problem with him? After all, if he's really changed, he ought to be able to listen with the empathy, consideration and respect he lacked originally. It seems to me that your best chance of getting this trust problem resolved--and you de-sensitized--is to share your struggles with him. It doesn't seem that you can effect the healing you want on your own--and it's reasonable that if your husband is able to reflect back your experience with love and concern, the wounds that were, apparently, caused by his insensitivity to your feelings might begin to be healed. If you do approach him, be careful not to blame him as such (and make HIM defensive). Presumably, he wasn't the man he evolved into today. And in the past he may not have been able to identify with your distress in such a way that he could have more carefully monitored whatever impulses he had to say something harsh to you. If you can address your present problem with him in a way that elicits from him a compassion that maybe you hadn't before seen in him, you might be able to start feeling reassured that it's safe, going forward, to renew your trust in him.