Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality.

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., who holds doctorates in English and Psychology, is a clinical psychologist and author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy. See full bio

February 22, 2009, Anxiety

In Families, Blood May Be Thicker . . . but Skin Is Thinner (Part 3 of Why Criticism Is So Hard to Take)

In families, blood may be thicker . . . but skin is thinner.

couples fighting Moreover, when our spouse criticizes us--perhaps because our differences make them feel anxious and invalidated--we're likely to criticize them right back. And we may argue with such animation that it's as though we've brought the past into the present and, almost literally, are fighting for our lives (i.e., our vital union with our parents). Within both of us, such quarrels are unconsciously undertaken--and continued--to vindicate ourselves to those original caretakers now so firmly ensconced in our heads. And each of us shares the same unrecognized motive of trying to stave off the fears originally evoked by our caretakers' disapproval--which back then (with our primitive, absolutist thinking) felt like the withdrawal of all the love and support we were so dependent on them to provide.

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To conclude, if our present-day relationship is to thrive, we need to find ways of better understanding and accommodating the inevitable differences underlying our conflicts. In brief, we must learn not to take each other so personally. Realizing what's going on beneath the surface of our discontent can go a long way toward ending once and for all the recycling conflicts that may be sabotaging our best efforts to make our relationship work.