Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality.

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., who holds doctorates in English and Psychology, is a clinical psychologist and author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy. See full bio

January 8, 2009, Anxiety

Comments on "Attachment vs. Detachment: Finding the Psychological Golden Mean (Part 1)"

Attachment vs. Detachment: Finding the Psychological Golden Mean (Part 1)

By Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. on January 8, 2009 in Evolution of the Self

Dysfunctionally Detached

If in the past we've felt taken advantage of, rejected or betrayed, we may erect stiff (even impenetrable) boundaries to protect ourselves. As a result of our adverse experiences--which frequently take place early in life when we're most sensitive to them--we may harbor anxiety or cynical beliefs about getting too close to others. Read More

Great entry! I'm looking

Submitted by T. on January 8, 2009 - 2:20pm.

Great entry! I'm looking forward to part 2.

Thank you for this post. It

Submitted by Alex on January 9, 2009 - 4:21am.

Thank you for this post. It really struck a chord with me. I always enjoy your posts and find that so many of them resonate with me, or with situations I've found myself in. They're truly a pleasure to read.

How do you learn to recognize healthy relationships?

Submitted by Becky on January 9, 2009 - 8:28am.

I work as a therapist, counseling adolescent females who have often been severely abused and victimized. They do not trust others and are very closed down towards intimite bonds. I want to help them form healthy trusting relationships, however, I am all too aware of thier risk for becoming re-victimized as predators can easily sopt those who have low self esteem. Do you have any suggestions for how these girls may reach out to others without being put at substantial risk for re-victimization? I try to be a role model and actively point out healthy and unhealthy connections, however, it seems most of my clients continue to struggle in recognizing what they have never actually experienced. Its a slippery slope because if they finally get to a point where they begin to trust and are then burned again, they may withdraw permanently.

To Trust or Not to Trust--Others and/or One's Self?

Submitted by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. on January 10, 2009 - 10:04pm.

This is a tough one--and for many reasons. For one thing, if your clients have unfinished business with an abusive parent, that much younger, child part of them is likely to be drawn to just those people (similar to that parent) who are likely to re-wound them (for the child part may still be struggling to bond to the "unbondable"). For another thing, they don't have adequate internal models to refer to as regards recognizing trustsworthy people. One of the first things to work on is probably helping them improve their self-esteem. The other thing is to tell them to look out for people in various ways reminiscent of their abusive caretaker--and warn them that against their better (adult) judgment, they may find such individuals actually more compelling than more healthy and evolved individuals. The other thing is to teach them that there are degrees of trust--that they neither have to be completely trustful, or completely cynical. Teach them how to go only so far out on the limb of trust until they receive evidence that the other is going to take advantage of them, and then a little further out on the limb, and so on. But all this can only happen over time--and they need to set the pace, not the therapist. On the other hand, they probably need some prodding and pushing as well (but not too much).

That unfinished business....

Submitted by S on January 11, 2009 - 7:26am.

...is something I've written about on my website. And, I'm dealing with it myself, or trying to - haven't gotten to the bottom of it yet. From my own patterns (and I'm 49 and STILL dealing with it - hardly a teen), it is true that one can be unconsciously more compelled towards unhealthy involvements due to - well, something - and likely something not reconciled from childhood.

The lesson is recognizing whatever it is, resolving it, then changing the behavior. However I've found that even being aware of it - because it's unconscious - it is still very difficult to change. Being aware isn't enough. It has to be resolved somehow - the "inner child of the past" has to be healed.

The thing is, we don't know what "normal" is. We've never seen or experienced it. What does a normal, healthy, emotionally intimate relationship look or feel like? What are healthy boundaries? What do those look like?

Some of my former involvements were with very UN-empathetic individual(s), who seemed to have shut themselves down at a very shallow level where emotional intimacy was concerned - and simultaneously had no ability or desire to empathize with others. They were emotionally unavailable (except during the beginning of the relationship, of course), and were probably also wounded as well but responding to their own wounding in a different, more predatory way.

Michael J. Formica wrote here on PT recently about these dynamics of abusive relationships and how abuser/victim fit together synergistically in an unhealthy involvement.

I don't want to shut out emotional intimacy (even at my age where opportunities for it are rare), but do want to be wiser about the choices made should another come along - as a means of improving myself if nothing else.

Thus, I look forward to Part II of this piece as well.

detachment as a defensive weapon

Submitted by Anonymous on April 3, 2009 - 6:18pm.

Its been my experience with myself that I've been using detachment as a defense against the intrusion of others into my life. I am very protective of my life as my own, not subject to what others believe, conform to, expect or deny. So too, I've noticed that others use detachment in the same defensive way.

But,is that somehow wrong? For some that may be true. As for me, I've seen how people (including myself) can manipulate, deceive and even force compliance by simply maintaining a detached attitude. Detachment can be considered a virtue to be strengthened by practice and discipline. Think of the soldier, the politician, the business CEO, the psychiatrist, etc.

Thanks for your thoughtful,

Submitted by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. on April 3, 2009 - 8:53pm.

Thanks for your thoughtful, well-expressed comment.

And, no, your own detachment, at least as you describe it, doesn't seem at all unhealthy--not so much a defense but a way of insuring that you're able to maintain your boundaries with others.

Detachment in and of itself is neither a virtue nor vice. It all depends, I think, on the underlying motives and whether it's unnecessarily hurtful to others.