The famous French expression, Tout comprendre, c'est tout excuser (literally, "to understand all is to pardon all") is a dictum that we ought to apply at least as much to ourselves as others. For the more we can grasp just why in the past we were compelled to act in a particular way, the more likely we'll be able both to forgive ourselves for this behavior and avoid repeating it in the future.
Becoming more self-accepting necessitates that we begin to appreciate that, ultimately, we're really not to blame for anything--whether it's our looks, our intelligence, or any of our more questionable behaviors. Our actions have all been compelled by some combination of background and biology. Going forward, we certainly can--and in most cases, should--take responsibility for ways we've hurt or mistreated others. But if we're to productively work on becoming more self-accepting, we must do so with compassion and forgiveness in our hearts. We need to realize that given our internal programming up to that point we could hardly have behaved differently.
To gradually evolve into a position of unconditional self-acceptance, it's crucial we adopt an attitude of "self-pardon" for our real, or perceived, transgressions. In the end, we may even come to realize that there's actually nothing to forgive. Regardless of what we may have already concluded, we were, in a sense, always innocent--doing the best we could, given what was innate in us, how compelling our needs (and feelings) were at the time, and what (however unconsciously) we happened to believe about ourselves. That which, finally, determines most problematic behavior is linked to common psychological defenses. And it almost borders on the cruel to blame ourselves--or hold ourselves in contempt--for acting in ways that at the time we thought would help protect us from anxiety, or emotional distress generally.
Embracing Our Shadow Self
Tied to the above, self-acceptance also involves being willing to recognize, retrieve and make peace with parts of the self that till now may have been abandoned, shunned, or repudiated. I'm referring here to our illicit or anti-social impulses--our shadow self, which, though it may have confused, frightened, or even sabotaged us in the past, still represents an essential part of our nature and must be fully integrated if we are to become whole. As long as we refuse to accept-or in some way accommodate-these split-off aspects of self, unconditional self-acceptance will remain forever out of reach.
When we're able to sympathetically understand the origin of these darker, recessive fragments in us, any self-evaluation based on them begins to feel not only uncaring or uncharitable, but unfair as well. Accepting ourselves without conditions, we can view ourselves benignly, as we acknowledge to ourselves that we all harbor forbidden (and quite possibly, outrageous) impulses and fantasies--whether they entail brutally injuring someone we find obnoxious, exercising unbridled power over others, or (indeed!) running naked through the streets. We can learn to view all these "aberrations" as okay, realizing that however bizarre or egregious our imaginings might be, they're probably nothing more than fantasized compensations for hurts or deprivations we've suffered in the past.
Further, even as we come to accept our shadow parts as somehow inherent in us, we can yet maintain voluntary control over their expression. We might even discover ways to permit them some form of representation--but, of course, only in ways that would ensure safety both to ourselves and others. As long as we're connected to our deepest, truest self, we'll be coming from love and compassion. As such, it really isn't in us to do anything that would violate our natural compassion and identification with all humanity. Owning and integrating our various facets is a transcendent experience-and when we (or, really, our egos) no longer feel separate from others, the motive to do them harm literally disappears.
Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Improvement
It should be fairly obvious at this point that self-acceptance has very little to do with self-improvement, that it really isn't about "fixing" ourselves, or moving toward some sort of personal perfection. With self-acceptance we're simply affirming--non-judgmentally--that we are who we are, with whatever strengths and weaknesses we possess in the moment. The problem with our focusing on self-improvement is that such an orientation inevitably makes self-acceptance conditional. After all, we can never feel totally secure or whole as long as our self-regard depends on constantly bettering ourselves. Self-acceptance is here-and-now oriented--not future oriented, as in: "I'll be okay when . . ." Or, "As soon as I accomplish _____, I'll be okay." Self-acceptance is about already being okay, about seeing ourselves as "good enough" now--with no qualifications of any kind. We don't ignore or deny our frailties, we just see them as not relevant to our basic acceptability.
Finally, it's we--and we alone--that can set the standards for our self-acceptance. And once we decide to stop grading ourselves, or "keeping score with" ourselves, we can adopt an attitude of non-judging forgiveness. In fact, once we refrain from our lifelong habit of continually evaluating ourselves--striving rather to compassionately understand our past behaviors--we'll find that there's really nothing to forgive (remember, "Tout comprendre. . ." ). Personal flaws or shortcomings don't need to get in our way. Certainly, we can vow to do better in the future, but we can nonetheless accept ourselves exactly as we are today.
And here I can't stress enough that it's possible to accept and love ourselves and still be committed to a lifetime of personal growth. Accepting ourselves exactly as we are doesn't mean we'll be without the motivation to make changes or improvements that could enrich our lives or make us more effective. It's just that our self-acceptance is in no way tied to such alterations. We don't have to do anything to secure our self-acceptance: we have only to change the way we view ourselves. So altering our behaviors becomes a matter of personal preference, not a prerequisite for greater self-regard.
It's all a matter of coming from a radically different position. If self-acceptance is to be "earned," a result of working hard on ourselves, then it's conditional and always at risk. The "job" of accepting ourselves can never be done, never completed. Even scoring an A+ in whatever endeavor we're using to rate ourselves can offer us only temporary satisfaction. For the message we're giving ourselves is that we're only as worthwhile as our latest achievement. We can never finally "arrive" at a place of self-acceptance because we've inadvertently defined our journey as everlasting. In holding ourselves to such self-imposed standards, we may in fact be validating the way our own conditionally-loving parents dealt with us. But we're certainly not validating ourselves--or treating ourselves with the kindness and consideration our parents may have failed to adequately provide us.
To conclude, only when we're able to give ourselves unqualified approval--by developing greater self-compassion and focusing more on our positives than negatives--can we at last forgive ourselves for our faults, as well as relinquish our need for others' approval. No doubt we've made mistakes. But then, so has everybody else--and in any case our identity is hardly equal to our mistakes. For sure, such a linkage would represent a bad case of "mistaken identity."
There's no reason we can't decide right now to transform our fundamental sense of who we are. And we can remind ourselves that our various weaknesses are only part of what makes us human. If all our failings and flaws were suddenly to disappear, my pet theory is that we'd instantly turn into white light and disappear from the face of the planet. So in pursuing the challenge of unconditional self-acceptance, we might even want to take a certain pride in our imperfections. After all, were we beyond criticism in the first place, we'd never have the opportunity to rise to this uniquely human challenge.
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