Evolution of the Self

It first must be said that the article is long, wordy and somewhat repetitive. However, beyond that, it is a masterpiece. The knowledge being imparted here is worth a lifetime of inner struggle and development. Thank you for writing it.

Indeed this was very wordy, but it was a great piece. Self-acceptance doesn't get the same press as self-esteem. Both still deal with expressions of traits, evaluations of behaviors, thoughts and performance. I think if one goes even deeper, to becoming aware of & self-discovering one's own true spiritual nature, the core of any being, true and healthy self-love becomes a natural part of life.

Self-esteem essentially deals with feelings or evaluations in terms of one's abilities, performance and appearance. And as is known, people's behaviors & thoughts tend to maintain a certain level of self-esteem. So much so, most behavior is often directed at maintaining this level.

But this is very much an externally dependent process, that can take a life of its own. If for instance, you evaluate getting the highest grade in a particular class as raising your self-esteem, your value or worth,.. and others support this behavior (i.e. your parents reward you), then before you know it, the need to be the 'best' becomes ingrained.

Not only do we learn to base our self-esteem on external expressions, like having the highest grade in class, these evaluations are always relative. You need to have people that are lower than you to feel good. In addition to this, you might run a fast 400m, but fast compared to what & whom?

To sum it up: Self-esteem is finding reasons to feel good about one self based on evaluations of tangible, subjective views of external reality. "I feel good because I got an A."

Self-acceptance often becomes a sort of an ambiguous activity as well. Again it's often in response to external reality, or a material expression. Take for instance the 'dark side' of one's personality. When people come to accept an aspect to them that they deem as negative or dark, like being bitchy at times, it does feel better, but...

a lot of people attempt halfhearted self-acceptance. It goes a bit like this, "I feel good about myself DESPITE having this negative trait."

keyword being despite. Deceptively, this self-acceptance is still dealing with externalities or subjective evaluations of outward expressions.

If you go deeper, and go past subjective evaluations based on standards and beliefs and performance rooted in external experience,

you get to real self-love, which is stepping toward spiritual maturity. It's awakening yourself with the knowing that your self worth, your value and your power were always there. You can't have worth, value or power.

You are it.

That is a practice that doesn't relate to external observations, like how well one does in a test or how poor we do at mathematics. It goes beyond both self-esteem and self-acceptance.

Feeling good about yourself shouldn't be a struggle.

Too many people struggle with self-acceptance. How many times do you here about 'it took me x years to come to terms with this aspect of my life/myself'. That to me, is a clear indicator that one hasn't truly connected with the self-love of a spiritual kind. Rather one has struggled with self-esteem and self-acceptance. And that is like sweating it out in a hamster wheel. Madness defined.

Along similar lines, see my previous post on Secrets of Psychotherapy: Change or Acceptance @ http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200806/secrets-psychoth...

What I read was insightfull, yet there was a connecting theme of "blame" as the beginning thread of our lack of self-acceptance and as a consequence also our self-esteem. Yet you say that "[with] self-acceptance we're simply affirming--non-judgmentally--that we are who we are..." What about if the consequence of or nature is exactly that unaccepting self? Ridiculous I know, who would ever want to be in that perpetual self defeating state? But the arguement is that as a matter of nature, how much really comes from blame? and how much of a role our naural proclivities play in this state of acceptaance?

great post :)

but how can someone accept himself if dislikes something about himself? for example if someone hates that fact that he is over weight, fixing his self doing or doing anything else in the word won't convince him to believe that he is attractive . i believe self acceptance is good word but its highly inapplicable if the external factors weren't dealt with

@Anonymous (RE last comment): Even if the said person loses all this weigth, there will always be an external factor one can use to feel inadequate... trust me.

Because the feeling of inadequacy doesn't come from the outside, it comes from the inside. Because I have seen a million examples of people who have it all and still feel inadequate. And I have seen people who have nothing and yet they find their own way to be valuable to the world. Not by "fixing" themselves, but by leaning into their talents and gifts.

So I think the point of the essay is that even if you are overweight and not attractive, that doesn't mean that you are not a worthy, valuable and lovable person.

Accepting yourself is not about trying to convince yourself that you're perfect. It's about telling yourself, well yes I am not so great looking, my IQ is average, and I have no artistic talent, but I have a good heart, and I am a great listener, and I am a fantastic cook... and I'm absolutely lovable... and so I choose to be a friend to myself and love myself and give the best of what I have to the world, instead of sitting and worrying about the things I won't get because of some perceived shortcoming.

Because those things you won't get are probably not what would make you happy anyway.

BTW my mom is over 50 and very overweight, yet she married an attractive, adoring husband and, well, apparently has a very healthy sex life :-)

Oh, by the way... I actually came here to say that this essay was exceptional, and to thank the author for such a helpful article.

Ugh. So Hitler just couldn't help doing all that stuff he did, he was a product of his environment and his genes, and in no way should he be blamed for anything. There is no free will and no responsibility!

Interesting article you got here. It would be great to read more concerning this matter.

I think there is a lot of wisdom to this article. In the abstract, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and non-judgement are therapeutic and wholesome. HOWEVER, the problem with articles like this at least for me, is that they are murky at best when it comes to the "how". How does one build these skills? Without specific behaviors and a game plan to follow, articles like this ironically feed into the cycle of frustration, self doubt, and even "improvement seeking".

I can picture someone reading this, feeling better about things afterwards as if they are now armed for battle, and then once they encounter a few obstacles they begin to beat themselves up even more. "Why can't I accept myself still?? I read that article and everything!"

What is needed is a methodology to practice. I understand that self-acceptance isn't about "doing" anything. It isn't something you need to earn or that you must acquire. But the very act of self acceptance is a BEHAVIOR. It is a new way of looking at arising thoughts and feelings that practically requires its own lexicon. The concepts identified in the article are important and valuable, but without techniques to implement them into your life, they will never help anyone.

The article made a FEW specific suggestions:
- tell yourself that you've done the best you could given the circumstances
- be self-pardoning

But I hate "tips" like, "Stop grading yourself" and "see yourself as good enough now". They might be well intentioned but are horribly insufficient. How do you stop grading yourself? Do you notice when you are doing it and then refocus your attention elsewhere? Do you notice you are doing it and then question the validity of the "grade"? Do you question the NEED to grade and find ways to undermine those needs? Do you adjust the language you use to talk to yourself?

My point is not to bash this article, there's a lot of good stuff in here. However, it would be great if future articles delved more into the "how".

I used to be a complete idiot. I was always in conflict, losing jobs and rubbing people up the wrong way. In the end I decided I was not going to accept that any more- the negative elements were not acceptable and did not counterbalance the good I achieved. After all I had good friends and was a caring, helpful, interesting guy. My girlfriends were always happy but this was all about me. Damn others. So what was the game plan. CBT gave me a clue.

The catalyst was a Boderline relationship which demonstrated how much damage a person can do. My therapist used CBT a little. In the last three years I focussed on others and to be a caring, helpful, interested, supportive person. My conduct was excellent- buttons were still pushed- I did not respond. The core part of myself was accepted, the negative aspects "behavioured out" and diminished. My success at work, level of respect and influence were remarkable. I changed jobs and had even more success, becoming respected and popular despite not seeking this.

Ooorwilly adds some good advice above. Getting the social space postitive is important as there is less noise to distract one. Working inside is harder. My attitude was learnt from poor parenting and I have little to thank my parents for. There are a few bits left to clear up. I can be an enabler and get trodden on- only in relationships, not at work or in friendships. This last part, however, only appears with poor partners, not good ones. Picking them is another weakness I will not accept.

I think you should learn to accept yourself together with the need to improve the less satisfying aspects. This is a moral quest as it impacts others and one should not personally accept one's glib excuses for poor behaviour. Other people often will give good advice and help. A game plan may involve tactfully using others opinions to build and external picture of where one is at and where one should focus. Physical features are obvious and I think you can control many of them or improve them. The self-acceptance element is more tricky. You can certainly see it. I have had it but not always.

As for Curious above, the plight of young people is excessive grading. It is a plague on TV. As an adult I realise it is rather pointless as you cannot read into others minds. I do agree that self-acceptance becomes easier if others drop out of the picture and you focus on the what does rather than the what mights. Everything changes anyway and there is no absolute judgment. There are some very attractive "fat" people out there and some very unattracive "model" types.

I saw this post and wanted to say thank you. I have just recently gone through a short period of 'stinking thinking' and depression because of my thinking.
I went through the 'What if's' and 'how come I'm not here in life?' thing. After reading your post, I had a new insight to it all. The importance of understanding we are exactly where we need to be in this moment. If not, we would be elsewhere.

Thank you for helping me get out of the slump.

this is really really helpful for me.i have anxiety,panic and perfectionism problems.i cant sing in front of other people like i used to before my mom and i became really close then she started to come with me to my auditions..my mom is very loving,her not so nice side is her love for criticism.she would always tell me after singing how bad i sang,why i sang that way..she even told me the loo on the faces of the people watching me sing(how disappointed they are)...she would always criticize me for the way i sit,walk,stand,talk,just about everything.and that made my mind think that i am not an acceptable person just as i am.i even had agoraphobia,now its gone but im still struggling with my other problems.
this is really helpful.i just have to accept myself for just who i am and what i can only be.ive been trying to put into peoples mind that i am a great singer,actually i dont think i am,and thats just the way it is.no more pleasing,just accepting.

thank you sooo much for this.God bless you.

Brilliant article. You have to be in the right place to receive its message. You have to be right on the edge of taking the plunge into self acceptance, and then let the message gently nudge you over that edge.

I'm drowning in a sea of joy. Thank you!!

I think we could all use to learn a little more about self-acceptance. I recently read a great article that offered some steps to accepting yourself at http://www.jasminbalance.com/2011/01/10/accept-and-love-yourself-in-10-s.... I hope your readers find it helpful.

Good its a great post....i love this article.....

Well its a great post ... i love this article... thanks

What a fantastic post. There are so many guides on how to love ones self online, and they all start with 'make a list of your achievements' in order to feel better, utterly ignoring the difference between self acceptance and self esteem, two vastly different concepts. I am so glad to have found this after a lot of searching. I knew it to be true, but I was worried that I was wrong or I was the only one thinking it and that it was impossible to release yourself from your own judgement. But clearly it is! Thank you again.

I have kept this so I can re-read it. There was so much to take in. I have also sent it to all of my friends as I think that everyone has this issue to a certain extent. That's how we were brought up.

This stuff is very enlightening!

I've had some problems with depression in the past and I needed to seek for some help in order to get back on track. Pretty soon I realized that the cause of all my problems lies within myself and since then I've been I've been trying to get to know my mind better and identify and root out whats stopping me from feeling good. I got out of the depression phase a few years ago and feel kinda "normal" now, but still empty and not satisfied, a bit clueless about myself and my life. I've been trying to understand myself and my mind better ever since and feel that I'm slowly evolving to some direction. But this post really hit the spot. The problem descibed here is what I've been sensing about myself for a while now, but until this never really managed to pinpoint and define.

I find this to be very inspiring and well writen piece and I would like to pursue this approach. I found some other articles on the same subject but I have to agree with Curious - there's a need for a more practical approach as well.

After reading this I'm constantly noticing lot of different thoughts circling in my mind that are not those of a self-accepting person. The problem seems to be quite widespread, it's the way how I regret things I've done or left undone in the past, it's how I tend to got upset about my mistakes and doubt in my actions, it's how I try to impress people and how I'm afraid to show them some aspects of myself, it's how I can't feel self-confident in many situations and how I find it difficult to relax and enjoy myself - it's lurking almost everywhere.

I'm motivated to try and deal with all this because I feel it's the only way to go, but there are lot of different things here and can't possibly try to threat them all at once, or at least that's how it appears to me at the moment.

I still have more questions than answers. Where is the best place to start? I should probably try to identify and address these anti-selfacceptant thought patterns, but how? Can I categorize these thoughts somehow, try to find some common causes for them? What are the best techniques, tricks and exercises to be used?

I would really need some practical advice, techniques to practice and guidelines to follow so I could try to set myself on the right tracks for my ride into this process. Can you suggest any solid Internet resources or literature for this kind of advice?

P.S. And thanks again for a great post!

This was amazingly helpful. Thank you. I find it sad that 12 Step programs focus on the defectiveness of the individual and not on acceptance.