Self-Esteem vs. Self-Acceptance
Though related, self-acceptance is not the same as self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem refers specifically to how valuable, or worthwhile, we see ourselves, self-acceptance alludes to a far more global affirmation of self. When we're self-accepting, we're able to embrace all facets of ourselves--not just the positive, more "esteem-able" parts. As such, self-acceptance is unconditional, free of all qualification. We can recognize our weaknesses, limitations and foibles, but this awareness doesn't interfere with our ability to fully accept ourselves.
I regularly tell my therapy clients that if they genuinely want to improve their self-esteem, they need to explore what parts of themselves they're not yet able to accept. Ultimately, liking ourselves more (or getting on better terms with ourselves) has mostly to do with self-acceptance. And it's only when we stop judging ourselves that we can secure a more positive sense of who we are. Which is why I believe our self-esteem rises naturally as soon as we stop being so hard on ourselves. And it's precisely because self-acceptance involves far more than self-esteem that it's generally seen (as self-esteem is not) to be crucial to our happiness and peace of mind.
What Determines Our Self-Acceptance (or Lack of Same) in the First Place?
Similar to our experiencing self-esteem, as children we're able to accept ourselves only to the degree we feel accepted by our parents. Research has demonstrated that before the age of eight, we lack the ability to formulate a clear, separate sense of self--that is, other than what has been communicated to us by our caretakers. So if our parents are unable, or unwilling, to transmit the message that we're totally okay and acceptable--independent, that is, of our hard-to-control, sometimes errant behaviors (which, understandably, may frustrate or disappoint them)-- we're primed to view ourselves with ambivalence. The positive regard we receive from our parents may depend almost totally on our behavior, and we unfortunately learn that a considerable number of these behaviors are parentally unacceptable. So, naturally identifying ourselves with these objectionable behaviors, we inevitably come to see ourselves as in many ways unacceptable.
Additionally, adverse parental evaluation can, and frequently does, go far beyond individual behaviors. For example, parents may give us the more general message that we're selfish-or that we're not thin enough, smart enough, attractive enough, good enough, "nice" enough, and so on. As a result of what most mental health professionals would agree represents a subtle form of emotional abuse, almost all of us come to regard ourselves as only partially--or conditionally--acceptable. In consequence, we learn to regard many aspects of our self negatively, painfully internalizing the felt rejection we too often felt at the hands of over-critical parents. And this tendency toward self-criticism is at the heart of most of the problems we unwittingly create for ourselves as adults.
That is, given how the human psyche operates, it's almost impossible not to parent ourselves as we were parented originally. If our caretakers dealt with us in a hurtful manner, as adults we'll find all sorts of ways to perpetuate that unresolved hurt onto ourselves. If we were frequently ignored, accused, berated, blamed, taunted, chastised, or physically punished, we'll somehow contrive to carry on this indignity. So when (figuratively, at least) we "beat ourselves up," we're typically just following our parents' lead. Having to depend so much on our caretakers when we were young--and thus experiencing little authority to question their "mixed verdict" on us--we felt obliged to assume the basic validity of their appraisals. This is hardly to say that our parents constantly put us down. But, historically, it's well-known that parents are far more likely to let us know when we do something that bothers them than to acknowledge us for our more positive, or pro-social behaviors.
In fully comprehending the reservations we come to have about ourselves by the time we're adults, we obviously need to add (besides all the negative parental feedback we received) the disapproval and criticism we were subject to by teachers, relatives--and, especially, our peers, who, struggling with their own parentally-induced self-doubts, could hardly resist making fun of our frailties whenever we innocently "exposed" them. At any rate, almost all of us enter adulthood afflicted with a certain negative bias. We share a common tendency to blame ourselves, to see ourselves as bad, wrong, or in some way defective. It's as though we all, more or less, suffer from the same chronic "virus" of self-doubt.
. . . So How Do We Become More Self-Accepting?
Learning to be More Self-Compassionate
Whereas accepting ourselves unconditionally (despite our deficiencies) would have been almost automatic had our parents transmitted a predominantly positive message about us-and, additionally, we grew up in a generally supportive environment-if that really wasn't the case, we need on our own to learn how to "certify" ourselves, to validate our essential ok-ness. And I'm hardly suggesting here that independently confirming ourselves has anything to do with becoming complacent, only that we get over our habit of constantly judging ourselves. If deep within us we're ever to feel--as our normal state of being--happy and fulfilled, we must first rise to the challenge of complete, unqualified self-acceptance.
As Robert Holden puts it in his book Happiness Now! "Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you'll allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy. In other words, you enjoy as much happiness as you believe you're worthy of [emphasis added]."
Perhaps more than anything else, cultivating this capacity for self-acceptance requires that we learn how to be more compassionate toward ourselves. For only when we better understand and forgive ourselves for everything we've regarded as blameworthy can we obtain the relationship to self that till now may have eluded us.
To adopt a more loving stance toward ourselves--perhaps the key prerequisite for self-acceptance--we must develop a detachment that allows us to see ourselves as representative of all human beings--endeavoring to fit in and somehow prove ourselves to others (just as, initially, we may have felt we needed to justify our existence to our caretakers). And, also like virtually everyone else, our behaviors--misguided or not--simply reflect our efforts to counteract the legacy of our parents' conditional love.
Undertaking such a heartfelt exploration of what I'd call our well-nigh "universal plight" almost inevitably generates increased self-compassion. And it's through this compassion that we can learn to like ourselves more, to view ourselves as worthy of love and respect by virtue of our very willingness to confront, and struggle against, what we find most difficult to accept about ourselves. In a sense, we all bear scars from the past and are among the ranks of the "walking wounded." And the very recognition of our common humanity can inspire us with feelings of kindness and goodwill toward ourselves that we may have habitually withheld.
Letting Go of Guilt and Learning to Forgive Ourselves
To become more self-accepting, we must start by telling ourselves (repeatedly--and hopefully, with ever-increasing conviction) that given all our negative self-referencing beliefs and biases, we've done the best we could. In this light, we need to re-examine residual feelings of guilt, as well as our many self-criticisms and put-downs. We must ask ourselves specifically what it is we don't accept about ourselves and--as agents of our own healing--bring compassion and understanding to each point of self-rejection. By doing so, we can begin to dissolve exaggerated feelings of guilt based on standards and expectations that simply don't mirror what was possible for us at the time.
