Thank you for this excellent blog Dr. Seltzer. I was dealing with passive aggressiveness just before the weekend and, fortunately for me, this blog is here today to inform me about it! I actually wrote about the topic, from a recent experience, on my homepage (of course, citing you as a reference).

I do, however, have a question. Identifying and understanding passive-aggression in ourselves, what I would say is the thesis of this blog, is very useful; but how does one deal with another whom you have identified as being passive-aggressive with you?

Good question. The short answer is "gingerly."

A somewhat longer answer is to deal with the person in a straightforward but non-attacking, non-accusing fashion. P-A's are likely to get very defensive very quickly, and then they won't be listening to you at all but preparing their rebuttal and defending their innocence.

You need to describe to them your own frustrations without also communicating that you see them as intending to hurt you or take advantage of you. Offer feedback, not criticism. And try, even as you're pointing out to them what in their behavior troubles you, to be as empathic toward them as possible (not an easy task). If you try to see things sympathetically from their viewpoint, then (unless they're too "far gone") they may be willing to listen to your own and begin to confront themselves (rather than you).

But try not to set your expectations too high . . . and let me know what happens.

I think you have just described my life for me. I'm a 53-year-old man who is so "nice" and passive that I feel like the Boy Scout in the Gary Larsen cartoon trying to help an elderly woman across the street against her will. My parents were masters of aggressive behavior thinly veiled behind their own overwhelming need to present a "normal" front to the world. This resulted in their becoming masterful manipulators, always ready to pull the rug out from beneath those close to them at the first opportunity.

Thanks to insightful friends, therapists, and family I've been able to catch myself replaying these manipulative schemes, as well as to observe my brother behaving in exactly the same way.

Thanks for a fine overview.

Yeah, when I read this entry, I felt like you knew me personally too. So how does one go about getting rid of the anxiety and angst associated with requesting personal needs and wants after a childhood steeped in silencing and corporal punishment for voicing dissent? I feel that I've forgiven my mother her abusive and neglectful treatement of me--though she was fundamental harder on me than any of my sibling to the point of quite obvious differential treatment. However, my work life is hampered by an inability to do anything other than be a peopel pleaser. I hope I don't manipulate others, and I think my main outlet of my frustration is creative writing, painting, and songwriting. It helps to personally vent, but it also limits me because I only acknowledge my anger and frustration to myself. Further angering and frustating myself with my inability to express my needs to others. Until recently, I felt that I had effectively managed my passive-aggressive coping mechanism into a more healthy response to problems. But I've begun to notice that the slightest crisis of need--be it in romantic relationships or job related incidences--I revert back to my passivity and ignore my desires for the good of others.

Is there some version of passive-aggressive without the aggressive? I used to be clearly passive aggressive, finally realized that taking my anger out on other people in covert ways was pretty foul, and stopped doing that. But an awful lot of the feelings, anxiety, repressed anger and repressed needs you talk about fit me very well.

Passive-Aggressive without the Aggressive would simply equal passivity--but that's not what you're describing. If there's still anxiety that you're harboring, or repressed anger, then it seems fairly clear that what needs to happen is that you find a self- and other-respecting way of communicating (unashamedly) your needs, realizing that the other person has the right to choose whether or not they wish to respond positively to your requests. (This is certainly a way of learning who your true friends are.)

If you find that communicating your needs straightforwardly is just too anxiety-inducing, or that anger leaks out every time you try to do so, I'd suggest that you consider some counseling that might help you with this. Being assertive can be forbiddingly difficult if it wasn't rewarded, or was even punished, when you tried doing this as a child.

Your article is excellent. Thank you for getting in touch with me. I'm off for a run at the beach next. I will reply to your email today, since I have just come back from a trip to Switzerland!

As a writer, I on a whim, looked up passive-aggressive as part of my research on a character I have been developing. Imagine my surprise when the description seemed to fit my father like an old glove. I had realized years ago that he was abusive, but people look at you like you are insane if you say he was verbally and emotionally abusive because he did not have the guts to be physically abusive.

I also realize that due to a lot of random events in my youth (including being the "forgotten" child for a brother with cancer and living with my father's parents - his mother literally did not allow any emotion other than happiness to be expressed in her presence) that made me very self-reliant at a young age, I have never exactly "fit-in". I have always felt excluded and known people did not like me, even though I have always been super sensitive and wanted nothing more than to make the people around me happy. As I continued to read, I began to wonder if I was simply imagining that the symptoms of passive-aggression completely fit me as well, even though I was the person who forced my father to back off his abusiveness when I was around through confrontation and straight-forward aggression (which almost came to blows shortly before I moved from my parents' home).

Reading your article has shown me that I only stand-up and assert myself in the most dire of sitations. To show anger is a sin - which is exactly what I was told as a child - so if you're going to say something, you might as well be fully aggressive about it. The rest of the time, I am quite simply passive-aggressive. I detest confrontation, have very low self-esteem and I seem to undermine my every move. Now that I have figured out exactly what topics to start with, I feel much more comfortable seeking professional help in learning to break this cycle. Thank you so much for the everyday lay-out of this personality that makes life difficult for everyone around it. Maybe now, with help, I can learn to have a meaningful relationship and one day possibly raise children who will not have to suffer or repeat the cycle.

My wonderful boyfriend and I are both in our 60s. I was NEVER allowed to express anger as a child and sometimes have trouble even recognizing it in myself or in others. My boyfriend was neglected as a child. Somehow, we've both managed to achieve quite a bit in life, but enduring intimate relationships have eluded both of us.

I believe that both of us have a great deal of difficulty expressing anger and accepting it when it is directed at us. This state of affairs threatens our otherwise strong, affectionate, companionable relationship. We seem to "melt down" if one of us criticizes (i.e., mentions being hurt by) the other -- something I see as an inevitable aspect of a close relationship. (Our meltdowns are quiet and verbal, but emotionally very taxing to both of us.)

I am in therapy. My boyfriend dropped out of therapy when we got together. Realistically, do you think there's hope for a couple like us?

Great post, very nicely worded! I'm curious about a few things; how does this idea fit in with recent research which suggests that our parents really don't have a huge influence on personality? I suppose I could be wrong about this, because perhaps this does not count as a personality trait. If that's the case, I apologize.

Sometimes I think, geez do we ever blame our childhood experiences for a lot of things! I'm completely ignorant about the field of psychology, but I always thought that through good role models and friend's influences, we could break those patterns in our late teens and twenties when we become independent adults. Even without psychotherapy. I thought that's what being a responsible adult was all about. Am I wrong?

I have read this with a pounding heart. It comes so close to the reality I live with daily. I am married to this person you describe but didnt realise for 15yrs that it was PA that was behind my frustration, sadness and rage at what was happening in my life; at the disappointments, lack of emotional attachment and insidious instability, inconsistencies and downright cruelty. I have swayed back and forth for years over, "Is it me or is it him?" Am I such a bad person with hopeless coping mechanisms and zero tolerance? And then I found something on PA and like this article It was a big "Aha" moment.This disorder has almost completely destroyed any peace that could have been had in a family as it undermined all trust because of the lying, excuses, irresponsibilty and sabotage. For many years I have tried and tried to solve our problem but the nature of the disorder makes it impossible to fix from my end. Or so it seems.
He has relied on my energy to keep the relationship together while simultaneously sabotageing it and then accusing me of being the problem. I am connected to him for along time because of our children but i feel I just cant cope any more with the pain of it. It literally drives me mad and I have engaged in so many coping methods but I am to the point now that i believe it is impossible to live with.
Have you got suggestions for people in my situation on how to get someone like this to see what they are doing. A method that is humanly possible for a non cousellor/psychologist who is closely realted(as in spouse or family member.
One thing that real bothers me with what you have written is that it is basically caused by parental neglect (esp in his case)and I dont want to feel sympathy or compassion for this. He has done too much damage.

Thank you for your article. I found it because it seems that everyone around me is expressing rage which they blame on everyone else including me. Closest to me though is my daughter who is now a mother of teens and in her thirties. Both she and I were constant victims of my ex-husband's anger and abuse. When we divorced (when she was 10) her defenses were built towards anyone in authority and me. It manifested itself in behaviors such as bed-wetting, stealing, lying and blatant rebelion in school and at home. I handled her agressiveness the only ways I knew - spankings, taking away privileges, extra chores and not giving attention to her unacceptable behavior hoping to defuse it. This was viewed by her as mistreatment and obvious favoritism towards her siblings. This has carried over into adulthood. Until her recent job, she has not been able to keep a job because of insubordination. I know that she realizes her self-sabotage but does not seem to know how to stop it.

I understand the hardships of raising children alone so I have tried to assist her with some of the children's activities. I can never do enough to please her even though most of her hardships were caused by her refusal to adhere to counsel. She now demonstrates to her children that they are deprived of some things because others won't pay for it.

Her siblings and I have for years tried to handle this situation gingerly, understanding some of the causes of her discontentment, until recently. Family gatherings have become anxious times for me because I don't know when something is going to break out. I know she loves me but at the same time I believe that she hates me. The suggestion of professional help only invokes more anger. What do I do?

I recently ended a relationship with someone I now believe is passive aggressive. His parents were a major factor in our relationship. They disapproved of me because I am black (they are white). Though my boyfriend told me that he didn’t need his parents’ approval, he behaved as if he did. He talked about the issue constantly and seemed to resent me for placing strain on his relationship with his parents. The other day he finally admitted that he did need his parents’ approval but denied that he was resentful of me for creating strain. Anyway, I am very hurt, as I could have ended the relationship several months ago, but he denied needing his parents’ approval in the past.
In addition to the parental issue, he slighted me throughout our relationship. He would always distance himself from me during events and not introduce me as his girlfriend to women and men, alike. I’ve asked him if he was ashamed because I am black, but he denies this. I don’t know why he behaved like this in public, specifically during church events. If it wasn’t because I was black, all I can think of is that he was trying to appear as if he were single. At times it seemed as if he had inappropriate interactions with other women, but I didn’t want to believe this. He seemed so nice and all of these interactions were happening during church. Yet, these extended conversations with women bothered me. He has confessed to cheating in the past, but I didn’t want to think he could still be engaging in such behavior because when he cheated before he had fallen away from the church. Now, I believe he was flirting with women right in front of me.
In addition to cheating in one relationship, he had another relationship in which he would break up with his girlfriend and then find a rebound girl only to return to his girlfriend again. I feel that he now wants me to be in this situation. I recently aired a bunch of grievances to him and he said that he felt ambivalent about being in a relationship with me. Now, he’s saying that he wants me in his life, that we should talk once in a while and that he needs a month or two to get closer to God and find balance in his life. I didn’t fall for it. I told him that it was best if he were out of my life completely. Now, I feel that I’ve been devalued. As soon as I told him how badly he’s hurt me, he wanted out. He also said that he didn’t feel “in love” and hadn’t felt that way in a couple of months. This is a man who has admitted not being able to last in a relationship for longer than a year without breaking up. Should I take it personally that he doesn’t feel “in love?” I asked him what being “in love” means to him, and he said “butterflies.” Well, I haven’t had butterflies for him since the beginning of our relationship. I know he has a history of not being able to commit, but I still feel bad, as if I could have done something to maintain his feelings of “love.” Should I feel this way or do passive aggressive men simply devalue women over time? I was independent during my relationship with him. I maintained friendships with other people, started new friendships and branched out in my career, so I don't think I was a clingy, desperate woman. Yet, he was bored with me.

I don't know if I'm supposed to reply, but since no one else has posed a question, I will respond to your question. I believe that I stayed with him because I was putting faith in a fairy tale of having a Christian home and marriage with him. I believe that I am usually a pretty perceptive judge of character, but I thought that he was a genuinely good person. I would confront him with issues, and he would behave as if we were having honest conversations. For example, when I asked why he seemed to be dodging me at a particular church event, he said that he didn't know how to be a boyfriend in a church setting. When I asked why he just introduced me as "This is NK" rather than "This is my girlfreind NK," he discussed taking a gender studies class that showed such titles were meant to treat people like possessions. He always seemed to have a reasonable explanation even if it didn't seem quite right or contradictory. Plus, I see now that he prepped me for his bad behavior by saying things like how anything worth its salt requires struggle. He also told me that he has "low empathy." So, when he did something that seemed inconsiderate, I never thought that he meant to be malicious. I thought that he didn't really know better. I even wondered if he had Asperger's Syndrome. That is what's heartbreaking for me now, the idea that he meant to hurt me. I feel so betrayed that I am having basic difficulty performing at work and going about my day. Yes, I have personal issues of my own. I was sexually abused as a young child and felt that my mother was incredibly insensitive about the abuse, as she behaved kindly towards my abuser after she learned that I had been abused. In my teen years my mother forced me to go to my abuser's wedding. I have been in counseling about this. I have read self-help books. I even stopped communicating with my mother for a time. I believe that I have some level of self-esteem, though clearly not enough. Now, I wonder if I am destined to play out this cycle of allowing uncaring people into my life forever. I have tried in earnest to heal. Now, I feel as I have failed once again. I am at the point of losing all hope.
Lastly, as crazy as it seems, I believe my boyfriend admitted indirectly to being jealous of me because I'm black. He told me a few days ago that he always thought that I was beautiful, which he struggled with because he didn't see that beauty in himself. He said that he felt out of his skin as a teacher in a mostly black and Latino school. Now, I'm wondering if he got pleasure from setting me up in a situation where his parents would reject me because of the color of my skin because he felt rejected in his work environment. Thanks for your time, Dr. Seltzer.

This blog and others like it have been extremely helpful in understanding someone who I thought was very close to me. He had an extreme fear of dependancy and intimacy. Until I started reading about passive aggression there was a huge part of our relationship I did not understand. His behavior made us both miserable. He always felt under-appreciated, but rarely discussed his anger. Rather he would just not speak to me or "forget" to be there when I needed him, which left me confused and furious. Then he would feel "beat down" if I expressed how this behavior hurt me, and would not speak to me at all. Almost as great as his fear of being dependant on me, was his fear that I might depend on him. Needless to say, that makes a close relationship impossible. I realize now that it isn't my fault, and that I never really knew him when we were together. He is a typical "yes" man at work, and will spend time reading about how to improve superficial work relationships, but his whole life has been about avoiding any real intimacy. He has only had one other year long relationship And that was 13 years ago, has no children, no pets,and cannot communicate with his family or friends. He freely admitted being selfish, but didn't change that behavior. He said I was the "only one" who he was ever close to, so I felt compelled to keep trying. He seemed so sorry and would literally cry with remorse but would just keep doing the same things. The traits he exhibited were weakness, selfishness, and deceptiveness, so I have to look at why I would want to make an effort with someone who has the traits I despise the most in a person and would never accept in myself. I am not as angry now (although I clearly still have some anger), I pity him. He is not willing to change, so sadly, he is repeating the same cycle of behavior and living a rather isolated existence, but with the help of this blog (and others) I have stopped blaming myself. At least one of us can be happy. Maybe one day he will address his problems, but I have let go of the need to "save" him and started living my own life. Thank you.

Not an emotional person, I found myself crying reading this blog. At 52 I recently ended a 4 month relationship and wonder if I will ever find love and kindness in an interpersonal relationship.

In this blog you closely described my childhood = My mother was easily angered and resorted to many forms of beatings, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect. We were told that we were entitled to nothing, and that food, clothing and shelter were all they needed to provide. We were beaten if we showed any emotion.

I stuffed my feelings and learned to cope thru humor, and found humor in everything - which usually resulted in more beatings as I was told I needed to be serious and sober about life. As a child I learned how to shut down and never cried. Over the years I became depressed(sometimes severely)but was still able to be the comic relief to others who had more to be sad about than I did. I was suprised not to read in this blog that depression was another result of this kind of abuse. I was treated for depression and have a good understanding of what was causing it, and have not had a reoccurance in 5 years.

I spent 23 years trying to find a place in my husband's life and heart, wanting to be treated kindly, needing an emotional connection. I turned myself inside out trying to make him happy. The more I did the more he expected. When he started an affair with a coworker I tried to work it out for two years as he told me he loved us both and didn't want to hurt either of us. I filed for divorce after two psychologists told me I had no other option. He was diagnosed with NPD by both. I stayed married for 23 years because I thought I had no choice - I took my vows seriously - for better or for worse.

I then spent another 6 years doing the same thing with a well-educated (masters in Psychology) therapist. No matter what I tried we were going to do things his way. In addition to verbal and emotional abuse I dealt with physical/sexual abuse. I got into a pattern of telling him that I didn't want to do this anymore. We did that in excess of 20 times over 6 years before I sought professional help to get away from him.

For two years I stayed alone before I ventured into the dating world, and it seems that I met another of the same kind. The most serious (and same) problem being anger management issues but he never hit me. This time I only let it go on for four months. Yeah!

I've realized that something I do wrong is in the way I ask for things. From my past interpersonal relationships, I learned that if I wanted anything I had to do it for myself. And I accepted that - I had no choice because the people involved were selfish and self-centered. However, on a rare occasion something might come up that I couldn't do for myself or needed help with. It made sense to me that since I do so much for so many that when I finally asked for something it shouldn't be an issue. But it was/is. I have found that these type people don't do anything for others unless they directly benefit.

It's only recently that I have recognized that when I ask for something I go about it from a place of expecting a negative response. I don’t make a direct request with an explanation of why I need it. So, I am beat before I try.

My question is would you recommend a book(s) explaining what a normal male/female relationship is? It is only in this type relationship that I have problems. My relationships with my children (3 sons), their g/f's, friends and siblings, and at work are easy with little conflict. We are close, communicate well, and all get along.

I'd appreciate any suggestion.