Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality.

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., who holds doctorates in English and Psychology, is a clinical psychologist and author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy. See full bio

November 23, 2009

Shameful or Shameless--If You Had to, Which Would You Choose?

If you feel shameful—or have what’s called a “shame-based identity”—you believe that your very essence is dishonorable, even disgraceful. And frankly, I can think of almost nothing more painful than to go through life harboring such censorious thoughts about oneself. So answering the question posed in the above title should be a no-brainer. Better shameless than shameful, right? . . . Read More

November 4, 2009

Reality as a Horror Movie: The Case of the Deadly Sweat Lodge (Part 2)

The notion of instantaneous transformation can be enormously seductive to Westerners, almost always in a hurry to finish things and see results. Motivational speaker and self-styled guru, James Arthur Ray actually encourages such impatience by advertising his short-term retreats as experiences that will alter participants' lives forever. All they need do is pay an (exorbitant) fee and do exactly what he tells them to. . . . Read More

November 2, 2009

Reality as a Horror Movie: The Case of the Deadly Sweat Lodge (Part 1)

Horror movies are hardly known for their depth. They may be knee deep in gore, but they're pretty shallow in meaning. Mostly, they're about revenge if (beyond sending chills down your spine) they're about anything at all. The stark tragedy of self-styled guru James Arthur Ray's crudely constructed (and massively overcrowded) sweat lodge is a different "horror story" altogether. . . . Read More

October 27, 2009

Disarming Your Buttons: How Not to Get Provoked (Part 4 of 4)

"Trigger thoughts" include all your false assumptions and beliefs that lead to getting your buttons pushed. Almost inevitably, these thoughts involve logical fallacies. So internally refuting them isn't really a matter of deluding yourself through glib affirmations, but questioning the unwarranted notions that may in the past have led you to lose your cool. . . . Read More

October 26, 2009

Disarming Your Buttons: How Not to Get Provoked (Part 3 of 4)

Part 1 of this post focused on better understanding the origins of your hot buttons, while Part 2 centered on resolving past disturbances that created these buttons in the first place. Now, in the next two parts, it's time to look at ways of preparing yourself in the present to better cope with people and circumstances that still seem to threaten your mental and emotional equilibrium. . . . Read More

October 20, 2009

Disarming Your Buttons: How Not to Get Provoked (Part 2 of 4)

It's critical to identify just what pushes your buttons (or "yanks your chain"). Otherwise, there's no way you can pinpoint--let alone, work through--those past experiences that now prompt you to overreact to provocations that actually may be more "felt" than real. In fact, it's important to recognize that what incites you isn't necessarily anything that would provoke someone else. . . . Read More

October 14, 2009

Disarming Your Buttons: How Not to Get Provoked (Part 1 of 4)

Where do your (hot) buttons come from, anyway?

It's actually quite simple. When your buttons get pushed, you react. Automatically. After all, that's what getting your buttons pushed means. Stimulus-response, stimulus-response. . . . Or rather, stimulus-reaction. For "response" implies choice; and when your buttons are being hammered, your counter-behavior is instantaneous-sans forethought, deliberation, or (for that matter) discretion. In such instances, you're impelled--by a force that's far stronger, far more primal, than your rational adult mind--to strenuously defend yourself. Or to attack . . . Read More

September 23, 2009

Child Entitlement Abuse (Part 5 of 5)

Raising Children to Become Responsible Adults (con.)

Based on the views of many experts in the field, one of the best summaries for getting spoiled, entitled children back on track is offered by Sherry Rauh. Besides the often repeated suggestion to set clear and consistent rules and boundaries--and establish appropriate consequences whenever they're broken--she lists the following. . . . Read More

September 21, 2009

Child Entitlement Abuse (Part 4 of 5)

Raising Children to Become Responsible Adults

It's not nature but nurture--nurture that's excessive or misguided (in a word, "wrong-headed")--that's responsible for children's sense of entitlement. This false entitlement may enable them to get more of what that want (or at least think they want) from heedlessly over-indulgent parents . But in the long run it serves them poorly. And many writers, at the same time they propose solutions for what I'll call "the entitled child syndrome," detail how giving in to children is hurtful to them. Read More

September 17, 2009

Child Entitlement Abuse (Part 3 of 5)

The Entitled Adult

If the central role of parents in society is to prepare their children for the real world--a world in which we can't always get what we want (at least not right away), then it's pivotal that children learn how to maintain their emotional equilibrium in the face of frustrations and setbacks. Learning to interact cooperatively with others is also crucial. Sadly, however, these are life lessons entitled children are never really required to learn. On the contrary, here's what they typically do learn--even though they may have little-to-no awareness of such unconscious assumptions and beliefs. . . . Read More

Personality Basics

Questions of personality have vexed mankind from the dawn of personhood: can people change? How do others perceive me? What is the difference between normal and pathological behavior? One's personality is so pervasive and all-important that it presents a clinical paradox of sorts: it is hard to assess our own personality, impossible to overlook that of others.

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