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According to a recent book by family coach and author Timothy Smith, there are some dangers in raising our kids merely to be nice. I have not read Smith's book, but I did watch a recent interview here. While the interviewers seem to miss the point in some ways, there is some interesting food for thought here.
Niceness is good, but it is not enough, according to Smith. Our kids also need to have some strength, the ability to set boundaries, and the ability to be compassionate, among other things. Part of the problem is that we gauge the welfare of our kids and the success of our parenting merely by the external achievements of our kids. They are on the honor roll, succeeding in the arts or athletics, and staying out of trouble. And yet this is setting the bar too low. We must also attend to the inner qualities, what have been classically thought of as the virtues. Such traits as wisdom, courage, self-control, and compassion, among others, are perhaps a better hope for our children than merely being nice.
It is probably more difficult to try to teach, model, and inculcate the virtues in our children, but it will be worth it for them in the long run. They'll be happier, better, and contribute more to the common good. We may not get the amount of praise and attention as parents that we do when our kids achieve some external goal on the field or in the classroom, but we can take pride in our efforts at raising a good kid, rather than a merely nice or successful one.
With the above in mind, I think some good questions for parents to ask themselves include the following;
- What sort of inner strength does my child have?
- Am I training my child in niceness to the extent that they avoid all conflict?
- Am I helping my child be an influencer of others in positive ways, or in my focus on "being nice" am I fostering a doormat attitude in him or her?
- Do I give my child the freedom to disagree with me?
- Does my child have the inner fortitude to stand alone in the face of pressure from peers or others?
- What sort of character qualities, or virtues, do I model well? Which traits should I seek to develop more in my own life?
I'd like my kids to be nice, when niceness is called for, and something else, when that is called for by their circumstances. It sounds like a cliche, but I really believe that what matters most for us and our children is not merely what we do, but who we are.
