Enlightened Living

Mindfulness practice in everyday life.

Michael J. Formica, MS, MA, EdM is a psychotherapist, social scientist, and educator in Westport CT. He is an Initiate in the Shankya Yoga lineage. See full bio

July 3, 2009

Communication Breakdown: Say the Words, Ask the Question

One of what would appear to be the simplest rules of communication - speak your mind - would also appear to be one of the most difficult to enact. The English language is admittedly clumsy, at best - the Inuit have more than 20 words for ‘snow', while we have one; the French, the same for ‘love' and we have, well, one. Yet, rather than making the most of the directness associated with the language, we are more often mired in euphemism, innuendo and just plain oblique reference. Read More

June 30, 2009

Cultivating the Seeds of Compassion, Conscious Connection and the Self

In the Buddhist wisdom traditions there is a teaching about the three poisons --- craving, aggression and ignorance. These three poisons are associated with three objects -- people, places and circumstances. These poisons and objects then lead us to the three virtues --- non-attachment, tolerance and acceptance. All of this provides a context within which we might develop true compassion, for both ourselves and others.

June 25, 2009

Deep Structures and the Essential Elements of Conscious Relationship

In my relationship work, I have developed a model for conscious and effective relationship that talks about the deep structures and essential elements that create and sustain all relationships (1, 2). Several of my colleagues and clients, as well as many readers here, have requested that this model be presented in a legitimate “take away”, and not just as a couple of handouts. The result is a little e-Book entitled Conscious Coupling: 7 Essential Elements of Conscious and Effective Relationship.

June 18, 2009

Karma Yoga and the Art of Giving Back

Karma Yoga is the practice of giving back to the communities of which you are a part. In its purest form - seva, or selfless service - it is an act of kindness and generosity that neither demands, nor expects, reciprocation. During this time of great social, economic and environmental need, what do you give back? Read More

June 16, 2009

Black/White Interpersonal Relationships and Borderline Behavior

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has become something of the flavor of the week in recent years. It is a useful label when properly applied, but has become so ubiquitous as to have lost some of its gravitas. In truly understanding this disorder, it is important to appreciate one of its most salient social characteristics; the tendency for the borderline to "split" others, defining them as black or white; that is, wholly good or wholly bad, with no room for a grey area. Read More

May 26, 2009

Loneliness and Aloneness: Building the Community of the Self

When I was an undergraduate, I was assigned a little pop sociology book called "The Pursuit of Loneliness". It turned out to be profoundly influential on my thinking at the time and part of what prompted an exploration into the literature of alienation,which led me to one singular conclusion - one which I abide by and continue to teach - being alone and being lonely are two very different things. Read More

May 4, 2009

Understanding the Continuum of Relationship Style: An Addendum

One thing that has become abundantly clear, based on the responses that I have received regarding my last post, is the apparent misunderstanding that styles of relationship are equivalent to categories of relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth.

April 30, 2009

Understanding the Continuum of Relationship Style

Relationship style comes in several different distinct flavors -- independent, dependent, interdependent, co-dependent and counter-dependent. Bearing this in mind, if we consider one of the prime tenets of forensic psychology - the way that people do one thing is the way that they do everything - we can begin to reveal the consistencies, and, by association, the repeated patterns of behavior, in the vast majority, if not all, of our relationships. Read More

April 22, 2009

Self-responsibility and Insulating Ourselves from Ourselves

A very wise friend of mine, mentioned before in the post on parallel process, often talks about the notion of insulating ourselves from ourselves. That's his way of considering and communicating the idea that we create distractions for ourselves, so we can avoid the work at hand. Such a rich concept bears some exploration.

April 9, 2009

The Addicts Dilemma, Pt. 2: Transparency and Re-building Trust

A previous post considered that one of the more difficult challenges facing those confronted with addiction has to do with the social consequences that they create for themselves by virtue of that addiction, and their addictive behavior; namely, the disintegration of trust. Read More

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