It's not uncommon for us to establish an unfounded core belief that we are somehow unworthy as we mature. Holding on to this misperception we compensate, becoming overly accommodating and driven by a need to please. So, we often find ourselves in situations where we want, or even need, to say, 'No', but, instead, find ourselves saying, 'Yes'.
Social accommodation is not an inherently poor choice. But when we compromise or distort ourselves in service of that accommodation we move from an interdependent relationship to one much more codependent in nature. Interdependence suggests balanced interchange and transaction, while codependence tends more toward compromise and sacrifice.
Despite our intention to cooperate, when we move from this place of compromise, the 'Yes' we offer is not clean-it comes with conditions. It is transformed into 'Yes, but...' and that kind of conditional interaction can eventually be quite the bitter pill. Interestingly, the conditional 'Yes' is really much more about our inability to say, 'No'.
Saying 'No' often activates our fear of rejection. This is grounded in part in that same core belief that we are somehow broken, not good enough or less than. The conditional 'Yes', rather than establishing the firm boundary of a valuable self, puts us in a place where we are distorting ourselves and giving ourselves away. Over time and whether voluntary or not, this pattern of behavior can ultimately breed only anger and resentment.
The word 'no' is the means by which we establish our boundaries. The word 'yes' establishes our sense of place and our personal identity by making a statement, establishing a position and setting us up as a valuable part of the social world. These two related elements help define and defend our identity and sense of self, or the "I" that is "me".
Taken together, the bounded self and complementary sense of place are at the core of what we might think of as the self system, establishing our overall self-worth. Self-worth takes into account not only how we feel about ourselves, via identity and self-value, but also how we feel about the manner in which we interact with the world around us, through our boundary setting and management of relationships.
Learning to use these tools in a clear and efficient manner is instrumental in establishing a healthy relationship with both ourselves and with the world that we create for ourselves. Continuing with old patterns and habits of behavior can only leave us feeling frustrated and resentful of all of our relationships, including the one with ourselves.
© 2012 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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