One way that we can get drawn off our center is by confusing who we are with what we do. It is indeed true that our actions very much define us, but, to be fair, we might be better served by choosing to consider the source of those actions, and reflect upon their motivation relative to our core character.
We tend to be our own worst critics, and the judgment of others can also be a very powerful thing. Both can draw us right into a conversation with The Committee. If we haven't established, or do not, in the moment, feel a strong connection to, our core identity and sense of self, then, in the face of this other-judgment, it is easy to start questioning ourselves, rather than exercising a more realistic perspective.
If a man breaks into a pharmacy and steals drugs, is he a bad person? That depends - is he a gangbanger stealing Oxys and Vikes to sell to kids on the playground, or is he an out-of-work and uninsured householder stealing insulin to keep his diabetic wife alive? Even without falling prey to the trap of moral relativism, this is something of a dilemma -- unsavory character engaging in narcissistic and socially undesirable, if not potentially sociopathic, behavior versus solid citizen doing wrong in order to do right, but both doing the same thing.
This question was posed to us by Father McKenna in one of my Ethics courses in college. It is one that I have carried with me for years because, not only does it not a have a solution, but it also reflects a very important point - it's all about perspective and there are no absolutes in judgment.
When it comes to our sense of self, an important consideration is this notion of core character versus behavior because it is this that allows us to make the distinction between doing something abjectly wrong and making a mistake. If we can't hold space for our own human frailty, vulnerability and the notion that we are not perfect then we can become trapped within a prison of our own self-judgment; something that can ultimately be very destructive because it is a self-condemnation to which our larger sense of self can easily fall prey. That is a vicious little cycle.
Making a mistake means acting in a way that is careless, thoughtless, and usually impulsive. Doing wrong means acting with intention, as well as with overt or covert malice. This is not to say that within the course of making a mistake there is no wrong-doing, and conversely, there is indeed a mistake made when doing wrong. As ever, it is the consequence that is the most important consideration here - the pebble in the pond.
How's that work? Well, when we do wrong, the consequence tends to be primarily external, outside ourselves - think playground kids on drugs. When we make a mistake, there are indeed external consequences, but the lion's share of the consequence is a burden that we bear internally and, if we can't sort that out based on our own understanding of who we are, then it can be morbidly self-destructive.
Should we be unable to gather perspective on our actions and discriminate between wrong-doing versus a mistake, then we can quickly go down a road of self-condemnation that erodes our self-worth. Adequately judging ourselves depends upon a strong sense of our core identity, so that we don't end up falling down a rabbit hole of shame, guilt or self-loathing.
Gathering perspective based on an understanding and appreciation of our core character allows us to discriminate between who we are and what we've done when what we've done might be construed as a transgression. In this way, we can admit to the wrongness of our actions, while not vilifying ourselves and falling into a level of shame and remorse that is self-destructive.
The take away here is that we always want to act from a place of what in the Yoga tradition is called ahimsa - non-harming; that includes non-self-harming. If, however, we find ourselves in a place of doing harm, we need to have a solid point of reference within the context of our self-judgment for understanding the weight of that harm, as well as our motivation for enacting it, so that we can appropriately apply it to our self-perspective.
Bottom line: unless someone is dead, ruined, bleeding or on fire, don't be too hard on yourself, but bear in mind that taking that ream of paper home from the copy room is just not cool.
© 2009 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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