Enlightened Living

Meaning and mindfulness in everyday life

Soulmate Love and Authentic, Egoless Relationship

There are times when the psycho-babble falls silent, and there is nothing to explain the breathless experience of another human being as a perfect reflection and complement to ourselves. When something seemingly lost to us returns, we may, in a single moment of blinding clarity, find ourselves gifted with the essence of an authentic, egoless love. Read More

"Soulmate Love, on the other

"Soulmate Love, on the other hand, takes ego out of play...In addition, the ego is not only taken out of play -- it is never actually in play."
Is it possible that a relationship can form and grow from one where the ego was present (in play), to one where the partners realize how much they love each other, and begin to put the other first(because they want to)? And is it possible that ego could ever possibly interrupt soulmate love?

The short answer...yes...

Of course. These are absolute categories that we are considering in a vacuum. There are very rarely absolutes in any part of human experience. While the article posits Soulmate Love as an ideal, in fact it is more realistically something that evolves out of the divestment of the ego over time.

The same can be said of Ego Love, where Soulmate Love is polluted by the demands of one partner placed on the other by virtue of the imposition of needs, wants and desires, which, again, reveal themselves over time.


"Soulmate Love, on the other hand, takes ego out of play...In addition, the ego is not only taken out of play -- it is never actually in play."

Isn't ego an intrinsic part of our inner world? We can train it, suppress it, go at odds with its dictates, but would we ever be able to quench its voice? Ego underpins judgement and affects our actions, but can we commit to act on principles, and if so, acting in interests other than our own, wouldn't we be ultimately doomed to destruction? Is Soulmate Love - when ego is permanently taken out of play - realistic, or is it an unreachable ideal? If so, aren't Soulmate Love and Romantic Love two sides to the same coin?

Your definition of soulmate

Your definition of soulmate love - a love that is complete in its selflessness and unconditional security and acceptance - is what I've always had from my parents, sibling, life mentor, and grandparents. I've never known not being loved in this way or loving in this way - however, I have a hard time fathoming receiving (or giving) the same kind of unconditional devotion to a romantic partner. I'm not sure if a relationship that grows out of a romantic partnership can be "ego-less". I have a very hard time handing over that level of trust - nor am I convinced that I should. I recall reading an article about how one can "learn to love anyone" - what would be the rationale to go through that kind of cognitive exercise? It takes away the allure of the "soulmate" mystique and makes it more like homework in a subject that may not be your best - risking resentment at the end of the day.


In Canada they don't lock their doors. If you've ever seen Bowling for Columbine you'll see a part where a woman in Canada is interviewed by Michael Moore after he waltzes through the front door.
The woman looks surprised but not afraid. He asks her why her door isn't locked and she tells him, she never locks it.
He says, "what if you get robbed?"
She answered laughing, "I have... 3 times!"
He's surprised and says, "and you still don't lock your door?"
She says, "nope."

Loving all people is possible. You unlock the door and leave it open. There may be danger that enters and there may not be.
Would you rather live anxiously, locking doors everyday in fear? Or leaving them open with trust and handling a bad incident once in a great while?

Whether it's love, or fear, in the end, everything is just about letting go. It's extremely hard, but possible and completely rewarding.

Well said...

Thanks, C.

Blessings and Namaste,



Yeah, it´s worth the risk

This is how I have always chosen my life as much as possible. I prefer to trust people as a general approach to life and people cause this makes life so much better and I have rarely had anything stolen or never anyone "breaking" in to my house.

The definition...

Metaphysically speaking, we all issue from the same point in space/time and that point is what we refer to as God, or whatever.

The only difference between a romantic relationship -- or any relationship -- and the relationship you have with your family members is this artificial social constructs that we call "family" or "tribe".

And what underpins that construct? -- ego. The unconditional love of "family" is not the same as soulmate love, because that unconditional acceptance issues from an ego based construct, not a the converse.


egoless love..

I'm happy to have found your article Michael. I've been struggling with my ego in a new relationship recently. The thing is, when you *fall in love*, you know, butterflies in stomach, wanting to see the other person all the time, etc, it's a very addictive process. I mean, it always fades away eventually, but I see myself cling to it. In my case the end of the honeymoon was very sudden, I took it for a lesson. Everyday I struggle with my wanting to have, to posess the other, to fulfil my needs, etc. I try to accept my needs and my urges, but at the same time, I'm trying to give as much space to my partner, as possible. You wrote, that ego-less love is putting yourself aside a little bit and putting forward your partner. It rings very true, however I find it difficult to achieve. On top of it, there's social conditioning related to romantic love, be mine, be my other half, etc.

Giving ourselves away...


I am happy that you found some solace in the words here. One thing that's important to bear in mind, though, is that the definition of true love, as I've put it here, does not mean to suggest giving ourselves away in order to maintain a relationship. Being egoless and being enabling within the context of an imbalanced emotional relationship can sometimes become a blurred distinction.

Take a look at this article -- The Enabling Relationship and Not Giving Yourself Away -- here.


Damn Near Impossible

In the 4 1/2 years or so that I've been single since my divorce, I've often thought about ego-centered vs ego-less (Soulmate) love. I've pondered it as a chicken vs egg thing -- does a potentially great relationship get sabotaged by one or both partner's fundamental flaws? Or does a fundamentally flawed relationship -- flawed because of timing, spiritual differences, geographical incompatibility, parenting styles, or any of a myriad of life circumstances -- spur bad behavior from partners who are otherwise healthy, well adjusted, relationship-capable people? Or is it a combination of both?

I was still pondering this question about 9 months ago, after countless first dates, and several brief relationships that tanked miserably for a variety of reasons, when I essentially decided to quit looking. I was resigned to remaining single, and became more determined than ever to fully embrace & enjoy the gifts I do have -- great health, a wonderful family, fantastic friends, and a career & job I love.

... and as the fairy tale goes, that's when he walked into my life - a warm, brilliant, funny, kind, spiritual, stable, goofy, creative high school history teacher and father of three who lost his wife to breast cancer ten years ago. As this wonderful relationship and our love for each other has grown, none of the ego issues you mention in your article happened. None of it. Despite some real challenges related to the blending our family of 5 children, it's been beautiful, perfect, authentic, great fun, and has felt nearly effortless. We met in the right place, at the right time, and in the right circumstances, but most importantly we and our families feel like we were perfectly made for each other. We are blessed.

In hindsight, I can understand with clarity now why I experienced so many starts, stops, and dissappointments in my love life. It's damned near impossible to achieve all the ingredients required for a healthy, lasting relationship. But take comfort, those of you who are still searching, damn near impossible is not the same as impossible!

thanks for your post

yeah i am making the 4.5 year journey too. somehow it feels like you have to die first to live again. it seems that the singleness forces you to face stuff that you could easily blame on someone else.

anyways am just going to try to get comfortable and live to the fullest.

He had the other half of my heart.

Something I noticed.

I always had this other voiceI would talk to. I always thought I was talking to myself. I would come out with great ideas and share, sometimes write them down. When I met my soulmate, it stopped, he became the one where i share my dreams and all the ideas that pop up in my head. I love him. LOVE. As in I love seeing him happy, cause that is my happiness. Simple.
We are free. When he is nxt to be im the best version of myself. I am me. Circumstances helped bring us together, I knew him for 1 year b4 the day I got close and my heart recognized his heart, and since that moment we have been in love. He has healed me. I have done the same. Its real. I am blessed.

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Michael J. Formica, M.S., M.A., Ed.M., is a psychotherapist, teacher and writer. He is an Initiate in the Shankya Yoga lineage of H.H. Sri Swami Rama and the Himalayan Masters.


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