What if, rather than putting out the fire, we endeavored to prevent the fire in the first place? What if we were mindful and paid attention to that which would most nourish our relationships as we went along, rather than trying to fix them after they are beyond repair?
This invective is more properly about what the masculine imperative can learn from Smokey the Bear. While the tendency to "fix it after it's broken" is a predominantly male pattern, it does, in fact, run to both genders, while remaining firmly grounded in the masculine archetype.
So often I sit with couples and one partner is saying, "You never showed up." and the other responds, "Well, I'm doing everything that you're asking me to do." And, invariably, the first partner asks, "Why did it have to go this far before you did?" Good question. The question, "Why didn't you say something sooner?" is a bit more subtle and a topic for another time.
Relationships evolve. Because men, as a rule, consider things in a linear fashion, the overall picture of malleability that is the very nature of life, never mind just relationships, often escapes them. Women, on the other hand, think globally and, as such, tend to see the bigger picture. So, when that picture starts to fade and yellow, attempts to fix the immediate concerns seem a weak - and often frustrating -- gesture in the face of preserving the whole thing.
Bear in mind that when we talk about the notions of linear perception versus global perception, and their relationship to archetypal roles, we are not just man-bashing. We are pointing out how archetype roles play out within the fabric of a relationship.
That said consider that in relationship there is always both a masculine and a feminine energy in play, whether that relationship be transgender or same sex. Plainly put, someone's going to be the boy, and someone's going to the girl, irrespective of definitive gender.
As archetypal roles and gender tend to line up in high percentage, it's the guys who typically get called out for not showing up in transgender relationships, and, in same sex relationships, the partner more clearly aligned with the masculine imperative. Regardless, when considering the on-going cultivation of relationship, we are compelled to consider, as always, mindful attention.
One of the fabled Michael Mantras is "Foreplay starts at 7AM". Aside from the obvious, this intones that it is important to be present and, frankly, show up, at all times -- not just when it is ego-suitable or convenient. It is a simple intention that implies prioritization, holding space, suspension of judgment, listening, and a whole host of other on-going behaviors that support and nourish conscious relationship.
So, instead of putting out fires, we would clearly be better served by preventing them through the simple act of paying attention. This suggests attending to context, and to the instructions that we are given, attending to our own needs and the responsiveness of our partner to those needs, as well as to that same sensibility of present and egoless relationship that brings everything to a higher level.
© 2009 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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