Very often, when choosing a relationship, we do so because either that relationship activates a memory map that leads back to an Original Wound, or because we are attempting to fix, or, at the very least re-shape, a relationship associated with that wound. Just as often, those relationships tend not to work out, and the break in the relationship leads us to an experience that can range anywhere from passive resignation to pathological mourning.
A first glance at the Original Wound tends to land squarely on the need to be loved. That need is tied directly to the primal survival imperative of belonging to a group and translates, in post-modern terms, fairly directly into a fear of rejection. Nowhere is this more evident than in the tribal behavior of adolescents, who, in cultural anthropological terms, are not so much seeking to be one of the "cool kids", but, rather, seeking a "tribe" to which to belong so that they don't get left out in the "wilderness" to "die" alone.
This Original Wound can occur at any point during our early development -- even as a pre-natal event or into later adolescence - and typically plays off the perils of social rejection and self-worth. Again, since we are talking about a social phenomenon, we refer to self-worth, rather than self-esteem; self-esteem is about you, whereas self-worth is about you in relationship to your social system.
What this interpretation points to is a template for understanding why it is that we often repeat relationships - even good ones. We have an experience and, because even the most insidious crisis creator is driven toward a sense of psychic balance, we want to bring that experience back to its balance point.
If we have a habit of choosing good relationships, then we will do so repeatedly because they make us happy. If we have a habit of choosing not so productive, or even destructive, relationships we will do so repeatedly because we are trying, at the very least, to get back to a zero sum by addressing that Original Wound.
To say in this context that men marry their mothers and women their fathers is almost too cliché. Stereotypes and clichés exist for a reason, however, and, in this case, the cliché points not so much to a specific relationship, but, rather, to our propensity for attempting to recreate a system. So, we might consider that we are referring to systems of origin, rather than families of origin.
To whit, an abused girl doesn't choose abusive relationships as a woman because she was abused by her father, but because she grew up in an abusive system; a man who consistently selects emotionally unavailable women was not necessarily emotionally marginalized by his mother, but developed in a system that was unsupportive and invalidating, and so on. It is not so much the choice of partner that matters, but the repetition of the relationship. This is why you, whether male or female sometimes respond to your boss in a remarkably similar fashion as you would your mother!
The work here lies in uncovering the source of this repeated behavior, and by association repetitive choice, otherwise we are simply mired in a neurotic cycle. Sometimes this is an obvious thing - our abused girl has associated love and pain in her definition of relationship and, until she untangles that association, will continue to seek it out. Sometimes it's not so obvious - a child who was the subject of an unsuccessful abortion (yes, it used to happen pre-Roe v. Wade) might live in a state of feeling constantly rejected, unloved or unwanted.
Uncovering this Original Wound sources the genesis of the behavior and gives us something with which to work. Shifting that awareness from the head to the heart - shifting the knowing of thing into the owning of a thing - is the first step. Learning to be present in our lives in such a way that allows us to recognize when we are playing out, or beginning to play out, our "game" or "dance" is the next step. Choosing not to make the Original Choice based on the Original Wound is the third step. And, finally, sticking to the Alternate Choice is, ultimately, the key to lasting change.
Not sourcing the original wound and remaining stuck can lead us to an experience that can range from passive resignation to pathological mourning. This range of experience needs an article all its own and will be considered in Part 2 of this little suite. Part 3 will look at grief and grieving in terms of the object of a relationship (your significant other) and the relationship itself - a grief cycle that really points to the experience of the unsatisfied Original Wound.
© 2009 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
Michael's Mailing List | Michael's eMail | Follow Michael on Twitter
Michael on Facebook | The Integral Life Institute on Facebook
