In my relationship work, I have developed a model for conscious and effective relationship that talks about the deep structures and essential elements that create and sustain all relationships (1, 2). Several of my colleagues and clients, as well as many readers here, have requested that this model be presented in a legitimate “take away”, and not just as a couple of handouts.
Two previous posts on relationship (1, 2) have been expanded into a little e-Book entitled Conscious Coupling: 7 Essential Elements of Conscious and Effective Relationship, which describes a relationship as a three-way cooperative partnership that exists between the two partners as individuals and the relationship itself as something separate from, but related to, those two partners. The interaction between the two individuals creates and sustains the relationship, providing a context for both the foundation -- or deep structures -- of the relationship, as well as the seven essential elements that comprise the fabric that enfolds those deep structures.
The deep structures of any relationship are established very early on, and they tend to remain fairly consistent throughout the life of the relationship. These deep structures are part of what creates consistency and what also tend to keep us mired in repeating patterns of behavior, both within the relationship and beyond it.
The deep structures of a relationship are created and defined by the interdependent interplay of personal history, socialization, acculturation, and assumption, as well as the ideas and expectations of the individuals within the relationship. The essential elements of relationships held within the context of these deep structures are the social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, sexual and material interdependencies.
The social element refers to how we relate to one another interpersonally. It also suggests how we relate to our personal community, and how that extended relationship reflects upon -- and is a reflection of -- our more intimate relationships. The emotional element refers to the manner in which emotions and feelings are given and received.
The intellectual element refers not only to native intelligence, but to social and emotional intelligences, along with schooling and the more esoteric applications of the mind, including things like values, morality, ethics and social perspective.
The spiritual element refers not simply to religion, but to each partner’s relationship, or lack of relationship, with both God and personal divinity. The physical element is in some ways a subset of the social element, referring to a commonality in the manner in which couples engage on a physical level that includes intimacy, but excludes sexuality.
The sexual element refers not just to sex; it is about intimacy on a number of levels, each associated with all seven of the essential elements of conscious relationship.
The material element speaks first to financial matters and, at its deeper levels, articulates both shared values, as well as the personal and collective experience of social position.
Cultivating and attending to these essential elements is at the center of conscious coupling and conscious relationship. When these elements are in equilibrium for both the partners as individuals, as well as reflecting the interdependent interplay within the relationship itself, a relationship tends to work – sometimes effortlessly. When one or more of these elements is out of balance or neglected, the relationship can then find itself in trouble -- or, at the very least, unsettled.
Integral to this is that same notion of balance. Finding balance within and among the seven essential elements informs, supports, serves to maintain -- and, in some cases, transform -- the deep structures of relationship. With a conscious commitment to shepherding and shaping these elements as a relationship evolves, the success of that relationship over time becomes more of an expected eventuality than just a possibility.
© 2009 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
© 2009 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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