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by Michael J. Formica
Michael J. Formica, MS, MA, EdM is a psychotherapist, social scientist, and educator in Westport CT. He is an Initiate in the Shankya Yoga lineage. See full bio
August 22, 2008, Therapy

Comments on "Pornography, Emotional Availability and Female Objectification"

Pornography, Emotional Availability and Female Objectification

By Michael J. Formica on August 22, 2008 in Enlightened Living

It is no secret that men have a lesser degree of access to their emotions and feelings than do women.  Women are more likely to express emotions and feelings directly, men are more likely to express emotions and feelings more indirectly, if at all.  That indirect expression of emotion is usually seen in behaviors, rather than words.  The upsurge in convergent media, and coincident availability of pornography, has created a curious phenomenon with regard to this indirect expression of emotion in men -- pornography addiction. Read More

Porn is baaad, mkay?

Submitted by Anon (F, 27) on August 22, 2008 - 6:47am.

I have a lot of problems with this, but, just for starters, what does this say about the men who do love for their wife/girlfriend to dress up in fishnets and rubber? What about the women who love dressing up, for that matter, what about the many women who love porn, what's wrong with them, eh?

I'm not saying that there aren't men who have a problem with porn, in that they spend to much time/money on it, but you're making some sweeping accusations here at the address of ANYONE who uses porn at any time. Doesn't that include most of us?

No accusation...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 22, 2008 - 7:35am.
Actually, I'm not making any accusations. I am writing on a specific subset of the population that is addicted to pornography, and I am making no statements about the healthy sexual choices that people may make in their own lives. What you might want to look at is why you received this article as accusatory and, further, why you felt like you needed to take a defensive position. Blessings, Michael

Michael, I don't think it is

Submitted by Cindy Taren on August 22, 2008 - 8:00am.

Michael,

I don't think it is nice of you to try and turn Anon's opinion against her. In asking her to ask herself why she is on the defensive, you are advertantly putting her on the defensive when she was only asking a question about the demographic your article is commenting on. It may seem obvious to you as the writer; but as an outside reader I must agree with her that your article is ambiguous as to exactly what type of porn addict you are referring to. After all there are addicts who indulge every day and those who indulge a few times a month or even year; but the fact is that they're all addicts either way. So I guess what I'm saying is that her comment should have put you on the defensive. After all, you wrote and so you should defend it since there is an open call for questions.

Thanks

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 22, 2008 - 11:19am.
Thanks for your input. Blessings, Michael

What is healthy in sexuality

Submitted by Galloway on August 24, 2008 - 1:15am.

What is healthy in sexuality and what is not?

Healthy sexuality...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 24, 2008 - 4:16am.
Galloway: Sexuality is like anything else. If it is whole, wholistic, well-grounded and well-intended it is healthy. If it is distorted, it is not. Let's use a metaphor to look at this, because sexuality is charged and can distrct us from the actual point. Co-dependence is a necessary (and healthy) element of every relationship. When co-dependence becomes distorted...meaning someone gives up something of themselves to maintain or behave in manner that they believe will maintain the realtionship, then it is distorted and, so, unhealthy. Is the BD/SM lifestyle healthy? You only need to look at this month's issue of Psychology Today to get a perspective on that. Is swinging healthy? Socially, it's a subculture that is considered deviant, but an evolutionary psychologist would likely argue that it is a predictable (and therefore, if not healthy, at least psycho-socially justifiable) behavior. Is finding your 15-year-old daughter's friend sexually attractive healthy? Biologically, yes...your imperative is to procreate and she is a female of child-bearing age. Socially, it's a little creepy and might suggest some issues. Psychologically, if you act on it, then it's unhealthy because you're a pedophile. I counsel a MFF "triple" -- is their realtioship unhealthy? It's outside the norms of accepted socio-sexual behavior, but it works for them. Basically it comes down to this -- if two people are in a mutually consenting situation, where the boundaries are clear, limits are understood, both people are exercising care, compassion and consideration and no one ends up dead, bleeding, psychologically damaged or on fire, then it's healthy for them. Blessings, Michael

sacred sin

Submitted by Cindy Taren on August 22, 2008 - 7:47am.

I have to agree with the above. My boyfriend has had a healthy interest in porn from the very beginning of our relationship, and both of us are emotionally healthy people. Neither of us are lonely or isolated or needy; we simply like that erotic boost we get from porn (I don't know anyone who doesn't whether they admit it or not). Dressing up is equally if not more effective. My boyfriend would never be "appalled" at me for doing so, rather he would be pleased and excited. I would caution anyone reading this article not to get scared if your partner has an interst in porn; it's not always a bad thing like this article pre-supposes, it doesn't necessarily mean that your partner is emotionally conflicted; it can and likely will benefit your relationship. Pornography was developed out of a desire of both men and women; let's not turn our ingenuity into something to shame ourselves with.

PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION!!!

Submitted by Anonymous on August 22, 2008 - 8:40am.

What part of pornography addiction are all of you people misunderstanding? The article is hardly ambiguous, and talks very directly about men who are invested in internet porn because they are emotionally immature.

It also talks about how that immaturity would make confronting pornographic behaviour on the part of a sex partner in REAL LIFE a problem for that kind of man.

The article has no commentary on healthy sexual behavior that involves pornography or playing dress up or anything else. Talk about defensive. Get a clue.

Misperception

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 22, 2008 - 11:21am.
Cindy: All that said, both you and Anon misunderstood the thesis of the post. Again, thanks for your comments. Blessings, Michael

what if youre a female who

Submitted by just wondering on August 22, 2008 - 8:44am.

what if youre a female who loves to only watch gay male porn? and this gay male porn really turns you on?

Gay male porn

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 22, 2008 - 8:57am.
Frankly, as my experience is only with males who evidence an addiction to internet pornography, and this article is a commentary on some ethnographic observations within that population, I don't feel that I can really speak to that question. Blessings, Michael

Though you can't

Submitted by Will on August 22, 2008 - 3:57pm.

Though you can't underestimate the "medicating" effects of a climax, I like your formulation. This type of addiction can obviously attach itself to interpersonal conflicts and social neuroses.

Replacement for another addiction

Submitted by Living the Life on August 22, 2008 - 5:39pm.

Completely understand the blog, as I have been living in the world of someone with this.

Background: recovering alcoholic of 23yrs (no relapses) recent retirement from Marine Corps after 30 years service. Retirement ceremony was shortly after his father passed away. Not long after, 20 yr old son announces he is leaving school to join the Marine Corps, two teenage nieces were killed in car accident and youngest son joins Marine Corps. Throw in having to find employment as a civilian for the first time in your adult life at the age of 48.

This stress would make most go back to the bottle....that addiction he does battle every single day (I have seen him break out in a sweat when bourbon was near!) so, he has replaced that addiction - not with porn though - with sex - there has been a total emotional disconnect as well - but to an outsider everyone would assume all is well at first, but as time has gone by others have picked up on it all....I have tolerated the "being left out" for as long as I can, finally told him that with every thing going on, and having the events happen in Afghanistan and Iraq (Iraq is a cake walk compared to Afghanistan) he needed to get professional help, someone from the outside looking in to put everything into perspective and sort everything out and how to deal with it all.
So he goes to a therapist, we don't go into great detail as I want to respect his privacy, he will tell me when he is ready...he is getting better about it as time goes by. The therapist first told him that he needed to cut ties with certain people in his life....I was one of them, because I feed that addiction for him...EXCUSE ME????? whoa...we have been together 9 years total....take time out for deployments and you have 4 years total. As I replayed the chain of events....that is when the emotional disconnect had started; when events in his life were not going as planned....
He is from a family that does not discuss things (Dad was also a Marine - and gone alot) and as a Marine he was trained to "hold his bearing" so he has always put things to the side and not dealt with them. Now he has to and doesn't like it.
This is definitely a difficult addiction. Unfortunately, a person with an addiction as severe as his with the alcohol; will probably always be fighting something.

First of all, I think that

Submitted by Leute finSTÖ on August 24, 2008 - 1:37am.

First of all, I think that men have not lesser access to emotion than women to begin with. I think that this is something that is learned behavior because this is part of the male role model. It is far easier to appear strong if u do not have emotions. Like it or not.

Objectification of women? Are you a male feminist? How often does that happen the other way round? How about Brad Pitt and so on isn't that sexual objectification too? What about movies (e.g. The Dark Knight)? Isn't that objectification too? Objectification as a vehicle for phantasies and entertainment.

"Because pornography is about emotional disconnection, not emotional connection - it fills a gap in emotional maturity and never the twain shall meet - at least not inside a healthy head."

What if I watch pornos with my girlfriend? What is this gap in emotional maturity? What should be in this gap? What is in a healthy head? What are the standards for a healthy head?

I agree with everything you say about the too much, the addiction and so forth but I don't agree with the moral subtone in your post. I think as a scientist you should not be that judgemental unless you can state evidence.

On moralizing...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 24, 2008 - 4:47am.
I couldn't agree more. I was stating a fact of the human social condition, not it's genesis. I believe that mens' failed access to emotions is both socialized and aculturated. Again, I agree. Men are objectified, but that objectification tends to be balanced by the fact that we live in a patriarchy, so, as you noted, the objectification is for the sake of fantasy and entertainment, and is not supported in the social milieu. If an athletic man showed to a job interview with a female executive in a muscle shirt and form fitting trousers, he would be viewed as unprofessional. If a woman showed up to a job interview with a male executive in a pencil skirt, stilettos and showing a bit of cleavage, not only is she more likely to get the job, her "object" is going to get some play in the water cooler conversation. The objectification of men is primarily for illusory purposes, the objectification of women is a social condition. A male feminist...why is there no female masculinist. No, I don't believe so. I like to believe that I exercise a degree of gender, ethnic, cultural and religious tolerance and equinimity that creates a level playing field. If you watch pornography with your girlfriend, there is no gap in emotional maturity. The gap in emotional maturity is an expression of pornogrraphy addiction, not the healthy integration of pornography into a realtionship. What should be in the gap? The degree of emotional maturity that promotes emotional availability for oneself and within context of one's relationships. A healthy head, in this context, is one in which there is no gap between emotional connection and emotional disconnection, where that bridge is defined as emotional maturity or emotional intelligence. What defines a healthy head?...I suppose good, socially acceptable and personally productive decision making. Frankly, I didn't think I was moralizing, and if I was, it was certainly not my intention. I am not judging anything or anyone -- I never do because it goes against everything in which I believe. I am speaking here STRICTLY about pornography addiction and its mechanisms. For some reason, many readers have not heard this, and I am not certain if the post is unclear or it is the subject matter itself that is creating an obstacle to understanding because it is so charged. Do you drink the occasional glass of wine with dinner? Me, too. Do you buy the occasional lottery ticket, or play the occasional friendly hand of poker with friends? Me, too. Do you sometimes buy things you don't need? Me, too. Do you sometimes eat too much? Me, too. Do you spend too much time at the gym? Me, too. Do you work too hard, and too long? Me, too. Yet, neither you, nor I, are alcoholics, gamblers, shopaholics, foodaholics, exercisaholics, or workaholics. DO you sometimes watch a porno with your girlfriend? I am not talking here about the healthy use of sexual aids or enticements...I am talking about addictive behavior, which, to my mind anyway, is not moralizing or judging, but observing. In addition, as I've noted several times here, my take on addicition is that behavior of the addiciton is a symptom, not the core of the addicition. Pornography is an artifact of emotional disconnection associated with addictive tendencies, just as drinking or drugging is an artifact of avoidance associated with addictive tendencies. Blessings, Michael

Well very interesting. I

Submitted by Galloway on August 24, 2008 - 8:51am.

Well very interesting. I have studied psychology in the USA for a year and I am back in Europe now. One thing is that the pornography debate/issue seems very strong in the United States compared to the rest of the world and therefore I assume some connection due to a strong religious background. Of course there is a point when it becomes to much, maybe thats a thing people in the US pay more attention to, but concerning pornography that has never been an issue in Europe as far as I know.

I am not sure if there is an inbalance in power between women and men. As far as I am concerned with feminism I support a meritocratic payment and promotion system but thats all. If women can't handle pressure, responsibility and power they are not fit to be leaders. Principles of leadership do give a damn on gender issues. That is the reason that successfull female leaders often exhibit "masculine" traits which are also strongly promoted by role models.

On role models, one may like them or not but they have a strong impact on everything we do in our society. May it be mating, sexuality and so on but that would lead to far. They have their advantages and disadvantages.

Emotional connction might be a thing that is relevant in a relationship but is also very risky. I think especially people which are not successful in mating and are hurt a lot will try to stop this pain by stopping their emotions and using porn to satisfy their needs. Sure you can send everybody to a flirt course but mating is still like a free market with winners and loosers and thats a very rigid thing. Thats the reason marriage has been invented and thats the reason prostitution and pornography are so successfull. Because there a people who are unable to regulate their needs be it reducing their sex-drive or finding suitable mates. Especially with sex it is more like once you feed it it wants more. Hedonistic adaption so to say.

I think people become emotionally disconnected because the connection is too painful. Psychological self defense if you want. But how can you tackle this problem?

Hm, very well. I can't say

Submitted by Anon (F, 27) on August 26, 2008 - 8:09am.

Hm, very well. I can't say that that underlying attitude came through very clearly in the article, and it seems I'm not the only one to read it the way I initially did.

I think you could have been clearer about the fact that you were talking about addicts (and what that means) not porn users in general. You can't be unaware that there is a group of people who consider any porn use disordered and who would like to clean the world all porn and obscenity, as defined by them. You kinda sounded a little like them.

I'll let you off though. ;) Carry on.

All due respect...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 26, 2008 - 8:29am.
Pornography addiction is stated as the thesis of the article -- in Home Page tag line and the sixth sentence. The entire second paragraph is about addiction and refers to another article on addiction. The phrase 'pornography addiction' appears in the article 7 times. Frankly, I'm honestly at something of a loss as to how a reader could miss the intent of the article. Either way, thanks for your blessings. Keep reading...I'll keep writing. Blessings, Michael

Call a spade a spade

Submitted by Cindy Taren on August 26, 2008 - 10:48am.

"The phrase 'pornography addiction' appears in the article 7 times."

However true, what a majority of people are pointing out here is that you don't DEFINE the term very clearly. This is what is making your commentors upset. You force them into "defending" themselves because you have in this article (and whether you think so or not) put every porn addict into your category of "emotionally unhealthy."

You can be an emotionally secure person and still be addicted to porn. You say: "Pornography is about emotional disconnection" - NO, pornography is about entertainment and the popular ideal of the erotic; it objectifies both men and women because that is its pure essence. The only time this becomes a negative thing is when people like you imposed your moral affiliations on it.

In the last paragraph, you akin pornography to drinking and gambling. This association is invalid for so many reasons, but mainly because gambling and drinking are inherently detrimental to physical and mental well being, whereas porn is not inherently bad.

I'm not saying that your intentions for this article weren't pure. Indeed there is a lot of merit in asking questions about why some people are more into porn than others. I think what it boils down to is that you're dealing with obsessive behavior here (something that you never mention) more than actual addiction. I'm not asking you to admit that it is a poorly written article (something that you will likely not do anyway), but I'm saying that it is. Our collective "misperception" is a direct cause of your misuse and misdirection.

Thank you

Again...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 26, 2008 - 12:16pm.
Thank you for your input.

How dull could you possibly be?

Submitted by Anonymous on August 26, 2008 - 12:27pm.

Cindy,

How would YOU define pornography addiction better? Its an addiction to pornography. Duh.

And your saying that it's OK to be addicted? To anything? How could a person that is emotionally secure be an addict. That's idiotic.

You know, if you GOOGLE your name, it comes up with all the other comments you've made on these blogspots. All you do is disagree and tear people down and make statements defending mental illness like its OK or something. And you have the hutz to say someone else is not nice? That's not right.

Since you were interested

Submitted by Cindy Taren on August 26, 2008 - 1:37pm.

Since you were interested enough (and obviously have no life) to Google my name, then I guess you've seen all of the well written articles authored by me over the last few years.

Healthy debate is important in all aspects of academics. I frame frame my arguments in a way that they aren't meant to tear down, but to help the authors and readers understand the topics that they are speaking on and who their audiences are. I'm sorry that you don't agree with this basic philosophical tactic, but I am simply an active participant of the blogoshere (not in the wrong here).

Regards,

Uh, actually, no

Submitted by Anonymous on August 26, 2008 - 1:48pm.

See, there you go, just plain nasty. Nothing came up except the articles here. And well-written is a matter of taste, not fact. Also, it's really interesting that EVERYONE you've slammed here has pointed out that you've misunderstood their articles. Curious, that.

Actually, I comment on this

Submitted by Cindy Taren on August 27, 2008 - 8:54am.

Actually, I comment on this site frequently and not all those instances come up in the "Google file." When the articles are both readable and thought-provoking I will usually compliment the author as well as ask further question about the work if I am so inclined. However, the FEW times that I have criticized someone's thesis as being ambiguous I was not alone in that argument. As I writer, I know that thesis development is the most difficult part of the writing journey. I am just trying to help others as I have been helped in the past. If you were any type of quality individual, you would understand that constructive criticism is a positive tool for development, not something to be afraid of.

However I must ask that you refrain from debating me in this venue, as this page is for the discussion of Michael's article and we seem to be moving away from that at this point. If you have anything more to say to me or you just want to talk, please go to this address: myspace.com/see_empty

Thanks, ct

So, basically

Submitted by Lara on August 27, 2008 - 1:24pm.

So basically you're a student who has the arrogance and audacity to challenge a professional who has been practicing in this field for probably more years than you've been alive??? Let me think...oh, yeah -- SHUT UP!!!

qualified

Submitted by Cindy Taren on August 28, 2008 - 8:52am.

I have an MA in Writing so yes, I beleive I have earned the privilege to speak on the topic of thesis development and usage, and again, direct your insults to me in another venue besides this one.

Wow.

Submitted by Carolyn on August 27, 2008 - 6:31pm.

Michael.

Well I'm sure my words will get lost somewhere in this crazy banter between people stuck on words instead of material but wow. What the hell happened in this forum?

I know I can be quite bias in regards to your writings but I am not awed with each article, nor do I agree with every word you say.

But I read this article the day it was posted and nothing struck me as out of place, judgmental, accusatory or any other intense call out that's been thrown in your face.

Normally I could find something to say about each article to disagree, agree or just comment. But when I read this, it struck me as just a person looking at another situation and writing about it. Upon reading the looong line of comments and responses, I only confirmed my thoughts of your intent. It reminded me that just like the word... "God"... all other words get lost.

I hope you don't take this chaos personally because I know that YOU know, people just can't help themselves.

Maybe everyone should chill out and stop feeling so guilty about the taboos of the US. Maybe that's why they're freaking out? Feeling guilty much? How would I know?

This took me forever to read all the way to the last angry word but I assure you, I laughed all the way down.

And you?

Give Peace a chance!
Me ;)

p.s. what's with the math question?!

Thanks, C.

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on August 28, 2008 - 2:51am.
Like the majority of negativity in the world, I attribute most of this off-message banter, if not to an over-availence (is that a word?) of ego, then at the very least to a failure of humility. Although I don't find it funny, as such, it is certainly both amusing and instructive to watch. Such is life. Actually, to see the consistency of human nature at its worst, you need to look at the article on Customer Service Reps...there are 9+ pages of comments and they are all people arguing with one another in the nastiest way, with nary (sp) a word about the article itself. And, while I in no way condone personal attacks and am grateful to the one commentator who asked that they desist, I must observe that the commmentator most under attack has repeatedly exposed themselves in the PT forum as a whole -- on that point, one critic is on-target -- as someone who might have deservedly invited (although maybe not deserved) those attacks (see the last Martha Manning Post). I find that unfortunate in so many ways. And you know me well enough to know that while, as you so subtley pointed out, I can at times be a bit terse -- if not downright snarky -- and sometimes defensive in this forum, it is rare that I take anything personally...why? Nothing's personal when you kick the you-that-is-me to the curb, grasshopper. As for the commentary here, I would say that the comments to which I responded (except for the one where I was quoting numbers) were worthy of response as they stood. The others, like you, I just didn't get; I couldn't find the reader's particular perspective of interpretation, and, therefore, had no real point of reference for an authentic response. On another topic, the QB is forthcoming, as is, per our recent conversation, a fine example of chickening out, which I suspect you will find both (literally) entertaining, and roundly amusing. Blessings, Michael PS -- what math question?

Yeah.

Submitted by C on August 29, 2008 - 11:39am.

Miyogi,

You sit in the big chair for a reason.

Namaste,
Grasshopper

P.s. There is a math question you now have to answer in order to post a comment! I thought it was your doing because you're always talking about the perils of math.
It's the spam filter.

Carolyn, Words are the

Submitted by Cindy Taren on August 28, 2008 - 8:55am.

Carolyn,

Words are the engine of ideas!

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