Enlightened Living

Mindfulness practice in everyday life.

Michael J. Formica, MS, MA, EdM is a psychotherapist, social scientist, and educator in Westport CT. He is an Initiate in the Shankya Yoga lineage. See full bio

June 13, 2008, Relationships

Comments on "Sadomasochism in Everyday Relationships"

Sadomasochism in Everyday Relationships

By Michael J. Formica on June 13, 2008 in Enlightened Living

For most of us, the phrase sadomasochism elicits thoughts of a fringy leather-clad subculture that's into whips and chains. As a psychosocial dynamic, sadomasochism is considerably more subtle -- and considerably more pervasive. When the delicate balance of relationship turns into a game of "Who Has the Power?" it generates an endless cycle of submission and dominance between partners. Read More

Very Very true. I am in the

Submitted by Anonymous on June 13, 2008 - 6:50am.

Very Very true. I am in the middle of exactly the same relation with my husband.Right now I decided to separate and he does not understand why I made this decision. I always knew that something was not in balance but I have no idea how to bring a sense of balance here. Or is it even possible to salvage this marriage. We have sought the help of a psychologist. I just have great doubt that it will work.

Salvage...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on June 13, 2008 - 11:45am.

Anon: My next post will be "Deep Structures and the Six Elements of Conscious Relationship". Rather than responding to your concerns here, keep a lookout, and you might find something helpful there. Blessings, Michael

While I agree with most of

Submitted by AE on June 13, 2008 - 9:40am.

While I agree with most of what you write, and found all of it interesting, I think your use of the word 'sadomasochism' is faulty.

Power and control dynamics are one thing, but ENJOYING, taking pleasure in physical and emotional pain, whether inflicting or receiving, is totally different. I would argue that sadomasochism is a conscious choice by those in the relationship and what roles they assume. If it is not conscious, it is simply an abusive relationship along with whatever psychoanaltyic hangups are present.

Sadomasochism lies in the relationships or extremity, not everyday relationships. Perhaps you just wanted a kitschy title.

Kitschy titles...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on June 13, 2008 - 9:50am.

Dear Dr. Connor: Actually, no, I wasn't going for the kitsch. I was using the word as it is applied in the literature when referring to relationships that have devloved into an on-going and recipricol dynamic of dominance and submission. Those relationships, whether voluntary or not are, by definition, sadomasochistic. I believe Dr. Alice Miller was the progenitor of that particular application, but I could easily be wrong. I agree it is a strong word, and one that even I would balk at using explicitly in the consulting room, but it is appropriate. I suspect you got hung up on the power and control piece, and didn't make the leap to the dominance and submission piece. That one took me a bit of time to get my mind around, as well. Blessings, Michael

Dear Dr. Formica, Let me

Submitted by AE on June 13, 2008 - 11:33am.

Dear Dr. Formica,

Let me clarify: I am not Dr. Connor, although I do work with her.

Like I said, I felt your blog was very interesting. About power and control, as well as dominance and submission, you made your points well. However, what you are describing I would call normal, not sadomasochism; sorry, we're at an impasse with this one. You said yourself that sadomasochism is a strong word but then you apply it to the 'everyday' which is, neither a strong word nor a weak word, just normal. From a strength of language standpoint I just think thats antithetical.

On clarification...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on June 13, 2008 - 11:42am.

AE: If you are not Alison Connor, might I gently suggest that you not reference her website in your tag. That's something of a slippery slope, no? As for the rest, opinions do vary. Thanks for your insight, as it provoked me into considering 'sadomasochistic dynamic' as a less charged way of positioning the commentary in the future. Blessings, Michael

Dr. Formica, After being

Submitted by AE on June 18, 2008 - 9:59am.

Dr. Formica,

After being educated (in brief) on modern psychological and social work theory, I must apologize. I got carried away with my own presumptions on how language should be used; my epistemological weakness strikes again!

I was curious, what would be your thoughts on the sadomasochistic dynamic of competition? With the upcoming Olympics I can't help but try to apply this dynamic to the nature of competition. Although there are various forms of competitions, like races, where multiple people would be reaching for gold (leaving behind the rest as 'losers' [sadistic?]), I think this could contrast very well with 1 v 1 competition: judo, taekwondo, boxing, etc.

Not relevant...

Submitted by Michael J. Formica on June 24, 2008 - 6:35am.

AE: In a sadomasochistic relationship someone either wittingly or unwittingly volunteers to be the sub (in your example, loser). In a competition, both parties -- or, all parties -- enter with the presumption of being dominant (the winner). I am not certain how it applies -- even in combat competition. Blessings, Michael

infidelity

Submitted by Becky on June 18, 2008 - 11:51am.

I found this blog to be very interesting as it relates to monogomy. I think there is a huge misconception that a person who cheats on thier spouse is the dominent one, controlling the other by disregarding agreed upon terms of conduct. In reality, studies show that it is usually the one who feels powerless in a relationship that seeks outside affection possibly in an attempt to shift the balance. This was refreneced in a great book I read called "crazy time", which disects the nature of divorce and coupleship.