A ‘parent' is not confined to the biological progenitor or primary caretaker of a child. A parent can be any consistent influence in the life of a child who provides context and instruction. So, while we are parented by our primary caretakers, we are also parented by our little league coach, our dance instructor, our piano teacher, our 5th grade math teacher and even our peers. If you look back on your life, you will find that you were parented by many people, and that may well still be the case.
Parenting styles fall into three general categories: the good parent, the bad parent and the good-enough parent. The good parent suffocates; s/he is invasive over-protective, controlling and has few boundaries. The bad parent neglects; s/he is emotionally unavailable, inexpressive and unsupportive. The good enough parent is supportive, while promoting independence. No one person or family system embodies only one of these styles in its totality. Most parents rely on one style, and the others make their way into the family system interaction depending on circumstances. As a whole, the family system may reflect a single style, or a combination of two, with the others, again, making their way in based on circumstance.
The best way to convey this notion is through an example. Let's say a mother who has a 2 year old child is making dinner. The good parent will bring the child into the kitchen, toys and all, and park her in front of the stove, cooking over her. The bad parent will walk out of the room where the child is playing without a word and go about her business, unconcerned that the child is out of earshot and line of sight. The good enough parent will interact with the child, leave them where they are playing, but make certain that the child knows where s/he is, and can see and hear him/her.
In each case, the parent is doing what I like to call giving the child instructions. The idea of ‘giving instructions' is one of my personal models for explaining why we do what we do and how we get there. In every social interaction we have, we are giving and getting instructions.
In the case of the good mother, her behavior gives the instruction, "You will be controlled." In the case of the bad mother, her behavior gives the instruction, "You will be ignored." In the case of the good enough mother, her behavior gives the instruction, "You will be supported, but you're also going to figure it out on your own." These instructions then promote an ‘answer'. The answer is the development of behavioral traits that lead to the development of particular personality styles.
The good mother promotes suspicion and paranoia because the child internalizes the sense of boundariless control that the mother presents, and generalizes that into a self-protective, secretive social style. The bad mother promotes clinginess and codependence because the child fails to develop a sense of object constancy, and generalizes that into an anxious and overwrought social style. The good enough mother promotes secure self-sufficiency because the child gets to do her own thing, while being gently monitored, generalizing that into a social style that, quoting a favorite Zen aphorism, follows the ethos, "Jump, and the net will appear".
This is not a perfect system, but it explains a great deal about how general styles of parenting can promote the development of various personality styles in children and young adults. It may also be applied to understanding how we, as adults, develop various social interaction styles that lead to consistent patterns of behavior that we exhibit across the lifespan.
© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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