Emotional Fitness

Harness the power of emotion to deepen your love with your partner, become more successful at work, and more

Don't Blame Your Lover for Your Bad Mood

Learning that you need to take personal responsibility for your own moods can be a relationship saver. It’s especially important to avoid inflicting a bad mood onto your partner. What’s known in psychotherapy as “negative projection” can make someone you love doubt themselves and their relationship with you. Read More

Agreed!

One should not blame the lover for bad mood, although that bad mood must have creeped up due to a fight with her or him. Experiencing such a mood is mainly due to narrow vision of not understanding things and people as they are! If we do understand, there will be no question of spoiling mood or thoughts or intent!

This raises a question

I thought some bad moods that people subject others to couldn't be controlled. For instance, the bad moods that we attribute to biology in women. So if bad moods are bad for relationships, and I agree they are, why do they exist in us seemingly contrary to our need to be social and cooperate? My own hypotheses is bad moods in relationships usually strike in their greatest force after a couple has pro created, and ultimately drive an existing partner away thus freeing both up to procreate yet again with fresh partners. From there, it's easy to see why the bad mood gene would proliferate better than the genes of partners that get along well would. I'm not saying bad moods are good. They are horrible. Ultimately, they are our unconscious excuses we invent to sleep around. They are intended to drive away the people we are with whether we admit it or not. If you observe couples over time you can almost see it occur like clockwork. In the beginning of a relationship a couple is all starry eyed and in love and everything about the other is perfect. Then they have their baby and as if on cue, the heavy dissatisfaction with the other kicks in full force. Is it a coincidence that fun part is all the way up to until the baby pops out? Tell me that's not a gene saying "skip the next half and do the first part over with somebody else". Only the couples who are hyper aware of this evolutionary driven relationship pitfall can manage avoiding it.

When I blame....

When I am in a bad mood, what I need most from my partner is their support to soothe my unpleasantness. They can do that optimally with their sound emotional condition. If I blame them it may hurt them and may diminish their mental capacity to assist me. Then it can probably initiate a cycle of resentment.

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Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, columnist, and radio host. His latest book is The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time.

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