We've all heard the stories. The couple has said their "I dos" or gotten engaged, and then one or the other goes through a drastic personality change. He or she becomes self-obsessed and acts out in all kinds of ways, from entitlement issues to substance abuse or multiple affairs. I call this all too common phenomenon "wedding ring psychosis." It can be a means of self-sabotage stemming from a deep unspoken fear or a type of acting out that occurs when people have not been able to be honest with themselves or their partner.
Some cultures also treat married people with much more respect than single people. This can have the effect of making someone feel inappropriately omnipotent. It's like giving a sixteen-year-old the keys to the Porsche. The sudden access to that much power is bound to be misused.
Marriage is not a destination, it's a journey filled with long stretches of open road, fast food meals, and frequent pit stops. Some people mistakenly think that once they're wed, their long wait is over and now they can behave as though there are no rules. The real truth is that sharing the vows of matrimony means taking greater responsibility, not less.
If this unfortunate event is happening to you, I suggest you make an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible and get all the cards on the table. It may also be helpful to have a family meeting, so both sides can share their feelings about what they are witnessing. This can only be done if everyone involved refrains from shaming and blaming. The energy in the room has to be as objective and nonjudgmental as possible.
If you are a survivor of a marriage or engagement that has broken up because of an unexpected change in your partner's behavior, take heart that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Healing from an experience like this can take time, and it may make you a little gun shy of making commitments in the near future.
For the near term, spend time with people who will be empathetic to your experience, and stay away from those who use any opportunity to say "I told you so." Also finding a support group for people whose relationships have ended can help you deal with the shock and awe of a sudden split. Understand that your heart needs to repair itself and that eventually you will find the right person to love.
Until that time, refrain from beating yourself up by saying that you should have known. Even the most aware person cannot know how others will react to a major change in their lives-even one that's supposed to be joyous. For many people, handling the positive things in life is as difficult as dealing with the negative ones.
Sometimes what we think is our destiny changes right before our eyes. When this happens, the answer can only be found in the future, not by holding on to the past.
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