Emotional Connection

Obama and the Bunny Planet

Raphael Cushnir — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 21:02:08 +0000

I like Barack Obama, but I misjudged him. I mistook ambition for courage, and conformity for pragmatism. He needs a visit to the Bunny Planet.

The Bunny Planet appears in a series of books I read to my two-year-old daughter, by Rosemary Wells. After the characters in the series have a miserable day, they're whisked off to see what "should've been."

On the Bunny Planet all is set right, and we come to understand that this alternate reality was "there all along."

What was so awful about Barack Obama's day? In one brief speech he sentenced thousands of people to die for no reason, soldiers and civilians alike.

Say goodbye to Mike from Indiana - gone forever in a midnight ambush. Mourn for Jenny from Mississippi - picked off by a sniper while adjusting her Ipod.

Behold the Afghan mother breast-feeding her newborn - shot down in the shadows after spooking Willie from Arizona. Watch Willie vomit afterward but then decide not to report the casualty. Keep watching Willie as he returns home, suffers night sweats and flashbacks, descends into addiction and then plows into a school bus.

This is not the change anyone voted for. This is not change at all. It's the perennial folly of a species on the brink of self-annihilation.

Obama escalated a war in the name of peace, as many have noted, and in so doing he became a classically deluded Washington insider. His previous economic decisions have been brutal but removed. Now, he has blood all over his hands.

Why? Because in a tragic failure of imagination, he wasn't able to see the speech that should've been. So let us go now, Mr. President, to the Bunny Planet. Let us free our minds and listen.

My fellow Americans, it's time for something completely different. We must move beyond the dangerous and outmoded paradigms of left-right, hawk-dove, and demonstrate in our policy the best of humankind. We must ensure our security at all costs, but we must do so in a way that nurtures rather than destroys.

My advisers all told me this can't be done. But you didn't vote for them, you voted for me, and I won't let you down.

With this sobering duty in mind I announce not thirty thousand pairs of boots on the ground, as has been erroneously reported, but five hundred thousand pairs.

That's right, I'm ordering a surge of five hundred thousand people. But of those five hundred thousand, only a small portion will be soldiers. The rest will be unemployed Americans, under-employed Americans, and anyone else looking for a fresh start in these hard times.

If you want to serve your country and fight terrorism, there's a place for you on our team. We need you to construct schools, hospitals, highways and wind farms. We need you to distribute food and blankets, to serve tea, to hold trembling hands and listen to heartbreaking stories.

This, my fellow Americans, is not your parents' Peace Corps. We mean business. You will earn serious money, and you will spend serious money. You will meet with tribal elders and create development projects together. You will stay until they're complete and train local villagers to supplant you.

Our soldiers will protect you, but it's your sacrifice that will win the day. That's right, I said it - sacrifice. Without that, the status quo in Washington will stop us in our tracks before we can even get started. That's why I need you to sign up tonight, at the end of this speech, for the mission of a lifetime. Our website is waiting for you - sacrifice.gov.

I'm sending our brave, sacrificing citizens not just to Afghanistan but also Pakistan and the Middle East. Where before we have talked democracy and delivered mayhem, now we will speak sparingly and build bridges. There will no longer be a choice between fixing our economy at home and ensuring our safety overseas. This project will produce both results, more quickly and efficiently than any other option.

Still, there are those already asking, "How will we pay for it?" And to them I say, just as health care reform must be deficit neutral, so, too, this initiative. Therefore, I'm asking the congress to pass a 10% tax increase on all Americans making ten million dollars per year or more.

By the calculation of the Office of Management and Budget, this tax increase will create five hundred billion dollars over the next five years, which will pay for everything. And if any fat cats complain about this tax, let alone opposes it, while you're jamming a shovel into stony soil halfway around the world, so help me I'll read their names on TV every single night.

In the wake of this announcement, my fellow citizens, the cable channels will teem with outrage. Lobbyists will blanket Capitol Hill like locusts.

But I fear none of that, I assure you. On my side I have, well, you. If you want a job, you have a job. It's the toughest job you'll ever have, but it will save your house from foreclosing. It will also pay for your health insurance, and maybe even allow you to put away a little for your kid's college.

An honest deal for hardworking Americans? A visionary solution the likes of which no one has seen come out of Washington in generations? I may be tilting at windmills, but I can't really see anyone stopping us.

There are great risks in this program, of course, just as there would be with plain old, unconscionable, sickeningly destructive war. In fact, the voting public may grow impatient for sufficient results and make me a one-term president.

And you know what - that would be okay. I'd rather go down fighting for you, your families, and hard working families all over the world, than sell you down a river of wasted blood.

The Bunny Planet has been there all along, Mr. President. It still is.

Our Economic Crisis Is An Emotional Problem

Raphael Cushnir — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 16:31:39 +0000

A provocative documentary made in 2003 asked the question, if a corporation were an actual person, not just accorded the legal rights of one, what kind of person would it be? The answer, based on the maniacal corporate pursuit of quarterly profits at the expense of all other values, was a sociopath.

At such a crucial time in our nation's history, it seems relevant to ask a similar question. If America were a person, with its recent cycles of destructive boom and bust, and its almost slavish dependence upon consumption, what kind of person would the country be? The answer, inescapably, is an addict.

The key feature of an addict is emotional denial. An addict enlists substances and activities to help mask and suppress emotions festering within. When no such emotions are festering within, people don't become, or remain, addicted.

While it's tempting to argue about what we're nationally addicted to - money, oil, perhaps entertainment - the more important pursuit is identifying which resisted emotions are at the source of our disease. Not only will this help us understand how we got into our current mess, but it's also essential if we're ever going to get out of it.

The first obvious culprit is envy. Americans have a hard time watching others prosper while life seems to pass them by. When everyone else was trading up for a bigger house, or flipping second and third homes, many people found it impossible to refuse the too-good-to-be-true mortgages that were dangled before them. Only if one's envy isn't intolerable is it possible to say, "No, thank you, I like the house I'm living in just fine."

The second culprit, related to the first, is entitlement. Most Americans don't merely believe in the dream of prosperity for all, they also consider themselves entitled to it. It doesn't much matter than most of the world lives on less than five dollars a day. It also doesn't matter that most of us are only Americans by luck of birth. We want what we want, when we want it, and we're firm in the conviction that we've each got it coming to us.

When it does come, we have no problem feeling entitled. But when it doesn't, the disparity between what we want and what we have makes our entitlement feel like a slap in the face. The sting of that slap takes the form of the third culprit - deprivation. Feeling deprived fuels the motivation to reach beyond our means, and to ignore all the possible consequences of doing so.

What about plain old greed? It could go on the list, but the urge for more, more, more seems universal rather than specifically American. While greed may have been a big factor in the creation of shiny new financial instruments like mortgage backed securities and credit default swaps, it doesn't appear to be the driving force behind most of those Americans now saddled with "underwater" houses and mountains of credit card debt. Of course envy, entitlement and deprivation are also universal, yet together they form a trident that's as American as a home makeover.

So what if we hadn't been engaged in our collective denial of these three emotions? What might've been different? For starters, we would have been able to feel their actual sensations in our physical bodies, which is where all emotions arise. Next, since felt emotions dissipate quickly, we would have been cleansed of their pain and left with a greater sense of well being, along with a brain re-set for peak performance. Finally, with the insight and vision that are natural by-products of a high functioning brain, we would have easily seen right through the housing bubble early on, and popped it intentionally, rather than engorging it for years until it inevitably collapsed all over us.

The latest neuro-scientific research confirms that feeling our emotions directly, rather than repressing them with addictions or compulsions, is precisely what leads to optimal thinking. And we need to do that feeling first, before trying to solve our problems with reason, despite an entrenched cultural bias that pits the supreme virtue of rationality against all those messy, primitive, infantile emotional urges.

In other words, a little "touchy feely" goes a long way.

Which naturally leads us to wonder what emotions we need to be feeling right now, in order to end the financial nightmare that's terrorizing millions. Tops on that list, not surprisingly, is terror. When F.D.R said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself," he didn't mean not to feel it. He meant that we should refrain from acting it out in the form of rash decisions, a rare form of wisdom that is only possible after fear has been fully felt.

Another emotion just waiting for our attention and receptivity is despair. Many of us beat ourselves up for experiencing despair, even though like most emotions it arises unbidden, completely on its own. We're often admonished that we can't afford to despair, and instead must cling to hope at all costs.

This advice is terrible. It presumes that one emotion is the enemy of another, when all emotions want the same thing - simply to be felt. In fact, the fastest road to hope runs right through despair, or any other emotion we're currently feeling. Hope, just like insight and vision, is the natural outcome of a body with no emotional backlog.

Finally, there's grief. For all we've lost and may yet still lose. Unfelt grief turns to bitterness, rage, and most of all depression. In the process it saps the very energy we need to surmount our daunting obstacles.

To heal our national addiction in time, before the American dream becomes quaint nostalgia, we'll need to welcome fear, despair and grief with the same vehemence we brought to our previous denial of envy, entitlement, and deprivation.

Those emotions won't feel good, but they won't last long either. In their wake, along with hope, will reemerge the can-do spirit that marks our country at its healthiest. So join with me, my fellow Americans, or tarry at your peril. If you truly want to stave off foreclosure, get your emotional house in order.

Note: This article first appeared in The Detroit Free Press. To read it there, click here

5 Valentine Gifts That Will Change Your Relationship Forever

Raphael Cushnir — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 06:46:58 +0000

My blog for PT is about Emotional Connection. Wearing another hat, I sometimes teach Sacred Sexuality. In truth, they're often one and the same. I offer the following Valentine's Day article in that spirit - please let me know what you think. And feel.

Jewelry glitters, but it can't save you from your next fight. Chocolate is luscious, but the effect is temporary. And even that candlelight dinner or massage won't get the two of you to the heart of the matter. So here are five gifts that you both can share, and that promise to strengthen your bond and deepen your love. It doesn't hurt, in this time of limited cash flow and renewed simplicity, that none of the gifts cost a single red cent.

1) The One-Minute Report
For one minute, a partner reports exactly what he or she is thinking, feeling, and noticing. Moment by moment, as it occurs-no censoring. The other partner's job is to receive this report with rapt attention and connection, eyes communicating silently: "Yes, get it. I'm really with you moment by moment." Then, after a moment to relax and "shake it out," reverse roles.

It's really rare to be fully "received" in this way. As long as both participants can tolerate some initial self-consciousness, the result is almost always heart-opening.

2) The Five-Minute Gaze
Each partner looks silently into the other's eyes for five minutes. This can be done standing, sitting, or lying down. Laughing is welcome, as are tears and facial expressions, but no words. This gift enables two people to connect with one another in ways that words never can. Long pent-up feelings often surface and clear. Appreciation grows in leaps and bounds.

3) The Five-Minute Mirror
Using just a few sentences at a time, one partner tells the other about something of recent importance between them that's a little difficult to share. The listener just listens, without any other response, and then summarizes what's been shared. For example: "I hear you saying that it's been hard for you when I stay at the office so late, and that you're sad I'm not able to spend more time with the family. Did I get that right?" If the answer is no, then the speaker shares again. If the answer is yes, then the listener follows up with, "Is there more?"

At the end of the five minutes (and making sure the speaker feels complete) take a one-minute break and then change roles. Make sure whoever goes next chooses a different subject, so that round two doesn't seem like a response to round one. If done with sensitivity and care, this exercise softens defenses and allows couples to make great leaps forward in their togetherness.

4) The Ten-Minute Message
Side by side, each partner writes in a journal or on a pad. They begin with this phrase: "If I truly lived in accord with my heart's desire..." Completing that sentence, they never stop writing, or lifting the pen from the page, until the ten minutes are up. This allows them to get past their usual self-criticism and filtering to write whatever is the most true at that very moment.

There's no way to do this wrong. Grammar and spelling don't matter. All that does matter is what emerges onto the page. When time's up, each partner reads what's been written to the other. There may be surprises and even challenging revelations. The gift, for both partners, is to support one another into dreaming up a life of greatest possible fulfillment. Whether those dreams can actually happen, and how, are questions for another day.

5) The Twenty-Minute Kiss
This kiss isn't done just with lips, although they may be involved. It's a whole body exercise. Lying together in a warm, cozy space, the couple begins by touching fingertips and looking into one another's eyes. Then they let whatever happens transpire without any planning or pleasure-seeking whatsoever.

This simple act is so unusual that it requires a bit more explanation. It's an experiment. What happens between the two us when there's no agenda or need? What feelings and sensations arise when we're not even trying to please one another? Without pre-planned steps, without any direction, how do our bodies come together? What emotions surface? What happens when we keep saying "Yes!" to everything, and just follow the flow?

That flow, when we're truly open to it, often leads to a Valentine's Day that reverberates the whole year long.

Inaugurate Yourself!

Raphael Cushnir — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:43:21 +0000

Barack Obama has a unique ability to create in his listeners an emotion psychologists call "elevation." Elevation uplifts, inspires, sends a warm glow through our bodies. And then, just as quickly, passes.

That's why elevation doesn't lead to real change, and why we can't afford to let it lead us smack into an inauguration hangover. If you want to do your part, and help us come together as a nation, follow these simple steps:

1) Elevate! Go ahead, feel all of that warm glow that comes from the new President himself, and the new era he's ushering in.

2) Surf the backlash. When your elevation fades, and skepticism, cynicism, or just plain old anxiety takes its place, don't despair. Recognize that resisting these emotions actually strengthens them. Instead, give them a complete and full ride until they move on. In the process, you'll leave yourself in the state most conducive to peak performance.

3) Take a tiny step. Within 36 hours of inauguration day, do ONE THING differently to create the change you want for America. That could be recycling what you'd usually throw away, speaking kindly to the curmudgeon next door, or something tried and true like writing a letter to your congressperson about your priorities for righting our national ship.

4) Take the same step again. Positive change only comes with reinforcement. So whatever you did to move us forward, do the same thing or similar within the day that follows.

5) Do si do. Grassroots is a plural word. A single grassroot never changed anything. So before inauguration week ends, find a way to take your positive step in sync with one or more people. Join a group, create an email petition, or print up a leaflet for your school or spiritual organization. Consider yourself fully inaugurated only when you've had at least one actual human-to-human conversation about the positive steps that you're taking, and that we need to take together, to heal and transform America.

Remember, the election slogan wasn't "Yes, HE can." And the truth is, he can't. Not without us.

Unleashing the Power of Emotional Connection

Raphael Cushnir — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 19:43:12 +0000

Welcome to my blog, Emotional Connection!

I'm delighted that the blog premieres on Psychology Today just as my book on the same subject, The One Thing Holding You Back: Unleashing the Power of Emotional Connection, hits the stores.

With that it mind, I'd like to begin by describing Emotional Connection, how it works, and why it's essential in getting ourselves unstuck and functioning at our optimal state of performance and well being.

Recently, in preparation for the book, I discussed all that in an interview. Here it is below. Thanks for taking a look. I'm excited to create a dialogue with you on this subject, and would therefore heartily welcome all your questions and comments.

Q: Why is learning about emotional connection so important?

RC: Most of us grow up without ever learning what an emotion is, how to honor it, or how to feel it successfully. In fact, we get harmful messages to the contrary about "counting to ten" and bottling up our powerful feelings.

The truth about emotions is pretty straightforward. They're messages from the brain that are delivered in the body. To receive these messages we need to feel them where they arise.

If we're lonely, for example, the message might show up as a stab in the heart, a tug in the stomach, a welling behind the eyes, or all three. Counterintuitive as it may seem, to feel a painful emotion fully, at the site of its delivery, is the best way to help it diminish. Not feeling the emotion, on the other hand, causes it to grow stronger, remain longer, and mess up our lives in many ways.

Q: Often the message an emotion sends is unhelpful or just plain wrong - like buy this! or be afraid of that! If I pause to feel such emotions fully, aren't I just encouraging them?

RC: No, the opposite is true. To feel an emotion you must become aware of it. With that awareness you're best able to assess its validity. Without it, you're only able to respond to the emotion unconsciously.

Let's say you're afraid of intimacy in romantic relationships. You can't make yourself unafraid by trying not to be. But letting yourself experience the fear will reveal its origins from the past. You'll then be able to address and heal those earlier events. In the process you'll literally recalibrate your emotional response. You'll become less fearful going forward, and only when appropriate.

Q: You say that the one thing holding us back from our greatest possible success and well being is resistance to emotion. How so?

RC: Whenever you're not willing to feel an emotion, your choices and behaviors stem from your avoidance of that emotion. Your resistance then runs your life, and is directly contrary to your overall best interest.

Take the case of a man who's unable to feel inferior. This resistance is likely to make him allergic to criticism. He'll go out of his way to avoid criticism, or to deflect it, and will therefore deny himself the chance to hear potentially crucial feedback.

Q: If avoiding emotions is so detrimental, why do we do it?

RC: Through a glitch in evolution, our brains are wired to perceive challenging emotions as life threatening. We respond the same way to loneliness, for example, as to footsteps in a dark alley.

But emotions are inside of us, so we can't actually run away from them. All we can do, therefore, is attempt to stuff them down or numb ourselves to their affects. In doing so we'll use anything at our disposal - alcohol, cigarettes, porn, gambling, TV, the Internet, shopping, Chunky Monkey. Emotional suppression is a trillion dollar industry with countless tentacles reaching deep into every corner of our culture.

In truth, however, it's not really the substances and activities to which we're addicted. What we're addicted to, at our core, is emotional resistance.

Q: Which emotions do people most commonly resist?

RC: In the book I list thirty-three commonly resisted emotions. These emotions aren't just the usual suspects like anger or hurt. They also include more specific emotions like jealousy or lack.

Resistance to jealousy, for example, leads to controlling behavior in relationships. We think that jealousy itself is the source of such behavior when in fact it's the resistance. A person who is able to experience jealousy directly, physically, loses all need to control.

Resistance to lack, likewise, leads to hasty and unwise spending. A person who can tolerate the visceral sensation of not having enough is able to remain patient, and discerning, when presented with possible purchases.

Q: So how do we fix this glitch in evolution, release our habitual resistance, and start connecting to our emotions directly?

RC: The antidote to emotional resistance is acceptance. This means learning to accept your emotions, in your body, as soon as they arise. This acceptance is not mental or theoretical - it's a practical skill.

I call this skill surfing. With internal surfing, your attention is the surfer, and the emotion is the wave. Here's how it works. Suppose someone rejects you. Your initial inclination is to drown your sorrows. Instead, you locate the raw sensation of rejection in your body. Then, you remain attentive to that sensation as it moves and shifts. In the process you ride it out. Soon, much sooner than you'd imagine, this leaves you cleansed, refreshed, and truly over it.

Q: Aren't you making this sound a lot simpler than it is?

RC: No, it really is that simple. But not easy. Often, temporarily, the wave is excruciating. It takes a lot of practice not to bail. After quickly getting to "shore" a few times, however, your motivation grows exponentially.

Another difficulty is that surfing often brings up all kinds of distracting thoughts. In the above example, while surfing, you might simultaneously notice thoughts like, "No wonder I got rejected - I'm a total loser." Or, "I'm better off by myself." Or, "What should I have for dinner?"

Dealing with such thoughts requires noticing them dispassionately, like clouds in the sky, while doing your best to remain on the wave or catching the very next one if you "wipe out."

To be clear, surfing an emotion doesn't mean you must give credence to the thoughts associated with it. In other words, feeling like a loser for a few minutes doesn't mean you ever have to believe that you truly are one.

Q: Besides feeling better as quickly as possible, are there additional benefits to the process of emotional connection?

RC: Whenever we successfully surf an emotion, we also begin to clear ourselves of its backlog.

Staying with the example of rejection, the degree of its sting is connected to how much previously unfelt rejection we currently have on board. With enough surfing it's eventually possible, believe it or not, to experience serious rejection with relatively little upset.

Q: Doesn't this also have something to do with negative patterns?

RC: Negative patterns are caused by stored-up, resisted emotions. They are the way resisted emotions try to get our attention, so that we'll finally feel them.

If you're carrying around a lot of bottled up rejection, to complete our example, you'll actually draw people into your life who are bound to reject you. The good news is that once you surf your way free of that rejection, the pattern loses its power.

Q: What are the greatest stumbling blocks people encounter when trying to release their emotional resistance and begin feeling successfully?

· Analyzing - an attempt to figure our way out of an emotion
"What's going on? Why am I feeling so anxious?"

· Judging - a decision that something's wrong with the emotion, or with us for having it
"This guilt is too much. I shouldn't let him get to me."

· Assessing - excessive focus on how well or poorly we're connecting
"I'm not feeling much of anything. Am I doing this right?"

· Bargaining - conditions placed on how long or how deeply we're willing to feel
"I'll feel this grief fully today, but it better not show up again tomorrow."

Whenever these stumbling blocks occur, the solution is simply to notice them with equanimity and resume surfing as soon as possible.

Q: When people are falling short of their dreams and goals and can't tell which emotions they're resisting, what are they supposed to do?

RC: A big portion of the book is devoted to answering this question. The basic steps are:

1) Find the Flinch - Identify the aspect of moving toward your vision that causes you to pull up short

2) Cut to the Chase - Examine the "worst-case scenario" in going forward and determine how that outcome would make you feel

3) Weather the Storm - Imagine that outcome as a reality, and then connect with the entire range of emotions that arise.

4) Repeat As Necessary - Apply the same course of action if and when you get stuck again in pursuit of your goal, regarding the same emotions from before or any new ones that may arise.

Let's see this in action. A client of mine always wanted to write but never got around to it. His flinch occurred every time he walked past his waiting computer. His worst-case scenario was writing something that his most loved and respected friends thought was pure drek. He realized this would make him feel like an abject failure.

Together, we imagined that he wrote a whole novel, was super excited about it, and gave it to his friends who were promptly horrified. They hated the book vehemently and ridiculed him for writing it.

His emotional response to this imaginary situation was a daunting wave of shame. I guided him to stay on the wave through many challenges and distractions, and after a few minutes it abated.

"Well," he told me, "that really wasn't so bad. I kind of feel like, "Oh, well, at least I tried. That's better than never writing anything."

This process revealed to my client that the one thing holding him back had been his resistance to shame. Repeated a few more times, it released his resistance almost completely. Now, with nothing holding him back, he writes at least thirty minutes a day.

Q: You maintain that emotional resistance is also a health hazard. In what way?

RC: Our emotions want and need to be felt. The harder and longer we keep them locked within, the more they struggle to get out. One result of this battle is stress, which is proven to be a leading cause of serious illness. Another result is the depletion of our life energy, which quickly turns into depression.

Q: You also tout emotional connection as an effective way to end addictions and compulsions. Can you describe how that works?

RC: All addictions and compulsions, as I mentioned earlier, are really about resisting emotions. Once we connect with those emotions, addictions and compulsions lose both their purpose and power.

If you're unwilling to feel disappointment, for instance, you might flop on the couch every week, eat popcorn, watch American Idol and snicker at all the contestants. But once you become willing to experience disappointment, both old and new, you might actually sign up for the Open Mike Night at your local pub.

Or if you're unwilling to feel distrust, you might check your spouse's email over and over. You might even be convinced that you're doing this precisely because you distrust. But once you become willing to feel your distrust directly, your need for hyper vigilance would cease. Instead, you could then choose to talk openly with your spouse about the feeling. Or, if your spouse truly is untrustworthy, you might finally be able to move onto a more healthy relationship.

Q: In Chapter Two, you say that men need emotional connection even more than women. But most men don't like anything remotely "touchy feely." So how do you get around that?

RC: Men in our society have been conditioned to believe that connecting to emotions is a sign of weakness. Yet this is a losing strategy, because wherever emotions are disparaged or denied, they run the show even more forcefully from behind the scenes.

Consider the world of corporate management. A manager who won't allow himself to feel stupid will often feign expertise and make deals that are indeed stupid. A manager who's resistant to boredom will often gloss over lengthy reports and remain ignorant of critical information.

Learning to spot such emotional resistance in others provides a unique competitive edge. Learning to spot and release it within oneself is even more powerful. Plus, one's own emotional connection requires no outward expression and therefore no one else needs to know about it. Men love that!

Q: You draw a big distinction between emotional connection and having an emotional orientation. What's the difference?

RC: Many people talk, write, and even obsess about their emotions without ever actually feeling them. On the surface these people seem emotion-friendly, but in truth they're as resistant as the greatest stoic.

Consider two friends who go over every detail of a recent slight they recently endured. Instead of surfing whatever anger and hurt is present, and resolving the annoyance in just a couple of minutes, they prolong it with lengthy conversation about the emotions. All the while, the emotions themselves are left unattended, unfelt, and festering.

It's also worth pointing out that many counselors and therapists enable such behavior. They might consistently ask variations of the famous question, "And how does that make you feel?" without ever providing the time, space, and instruction necessary for the clients to actually connect with those emotions.

Such therapists aren't trained to feel emotions directly themselves, and therefore can't offer the skill to their clients. Ask potential therapists to describe exactly what if means to feel emotions directly. The quality of their answer will be a great indicator of your future therapeutic success.

Q: Your suggestion to "Feel first, think later" seems like the exact opposite of what parents, bosses, and the world as a whole expect of us. How can we possibly function well if we're always stopping to pay attention to our emotions?

RC: To be specific, my advice is not to act out or somehow become victims to our emotions at any point. Let's use anger as an example. Acting out anger might mean yelling, which is rarely helpful. Becoming a victim to anger might mean fixating upon it, and stoking it, rather than just surfing it out of your system quickly.

What I'm suggesting is simply to recognize and connect with your emotions before addressing any important issue. Here's the reason: When you try to think your way out of a problem before feeling the emotions already arisen within you in regard to that problem, your thoughts can't be trusted.

You might, for example, resist the feeling of hatred for another person because you've been taught that it's wrong. But feelings are never right or wrong; they just are. So the first whiff of hate might kick up a thought like, "I shouldn't feel that way about him. He doesn't know any better."

Such a statement may be true, and even seem helpful, but coming prior to emotional connection it would really be a sophisticated attempt to shield you from the hate. If you left it at that and moved on, an unsurfed wave of hatred would remain to wreak havoc in your core.

Remember: feelings that arise in your body stay in your body unless and until you're willing to feel them.

Q: Doesn't your idea of feeling all emotions, even negative ones like jealously and resentment, contrast with the message of The Secret? Wasn't that idea to stay focused on the positive?

RC: The perspective put forth in "The Secret" and similar books is that we must uplift "negative" emotions into more positive states or else we'll attract more negativity. What I'm saying is that all emotions are valid and need to be felt, in order to receive their message and allow them to depart. The only way to shift from a negative emotional state to a more expansive one is to feel your way through it. No type of will power or self-talk will ever take the place of simple, straightforward feeling.

That said, focusing on the positive is a great practice, as long as doesn't mask simultaneous resistance or turn into a sanctioned way of maintaining it.

Q: What's the link between your approach and Freud's "repetition compulsion?"

RC: Freud theorized that as adults we recreate traumatic experiences from childhood as a way of mastering them once and for all. He wasn't so specific on how that mastery takes place, however, and most of us can attest that simply repeating traumatic experiences without ever learning from them doesn't get us anywhere.

My work with clients has shown me over and over that emotional connection is not just a fast and efficient way to master (or heal) previous trauma. In reality, it's the only way.

Q: How does emotional resistance pertain to our current economic crisis?

RC: Our current economic crisis, at root, is an emotional problem. Clearly, we have been seduced into living beyond our means for way too long. But what made us so susceptible? The answer is our resistance the feeling of lack that I described earlier. We've lost the ability to want things without being able to have them.

If we continue to resist the emotion of lack collectively, any economic fix will prove to be temporary and unsustainable. Learning to surf our lack, on the other hand, will enable us to see the future clearly and to act wisely.

Here's a small but broadly applicable example. I want a new car. My old one is dented and dirty and doesn't have any of the cool stuff like GPS. I see lots of commercials for new models with all the bells and whistles. I cringe inside at being left behind, and start wondering if I could find a way to afford the higher payments.

But then I catch myself - I've been thinking before feeling - and notice the tightness in my chest. I surf it for a few moments and it becomes a big wave of lack. I feel like stomping my feet, throwing a huge fit. "Gimme! Gimme!" I surf this tantrum for another few moments, watching many memories of similar deprivations and tantrums float by.

Gradually, the storm inside me begins to settle. The lack is gone. In its wake I can easily recognize many reasons why a new car, right now, isn't in my best interest. And better yet, I'm at peace with it.

Q: If a sustainable future means I won't get to have what I want, what'll be left?

In a sustainable future you'll still be able to have lots of things you want. But more important, you'll also be able to distinguish and let go of those wants that are part of the addictive cycle. Freed from that cycle, you'll have more time and energy for what really matters - relationships with loved ones, meaningful work, and the abiding joy that only comes from a life of passionate emotional connection.