My blog for PT is about Emotional Connection. Wearing another hat, I sometimes teach Sacred Sexuality. In truth, they're often one and the same. I offer the following Valentine's Day article in that spirit - please let me know what you think. And feel.
Jewelry glitters, but it can't save you from your next fight. Chocolate is luscious, but the effect is temporary. And even that candlelight dinner or massage won't get the two of you to the heart of the matter. So here are five gifts that you both can share, and that promise to strengthen your bond and deepen your love. It doesn't hurt, in this time of limited cash flow and renewed simplicity, that none of the gifts cost a single red cent.
1) The One-Minute Report
For one minute, a partner reports exactly what he or she is thinking, feeling, and noticing. Moment by moment, as it occurs-no censoring. The other partner's job is to receive this report with rapt attention and connection, eyes communicating silently: "Yes, get it. I'm really with you moment by moment." Then, after a moment to relax and "shake it out," reverse roles.
It's really rare to be fully "received" in this way. As long as both participants can tolerate some initial self-consciousness, the result is almost always heart-opening.
2) The Five-Minute Gaze
Each partner looks silently into the other's eyes for five minutes. This can be done standing, sitting, or lying down. Laughing is welcome, as are tears and facial expressions, but no words. This gift enables two people to connect with one another in ways that words never can. Long pent-up feelings often surface and clear. Appreciation grows in leaps and bounds.
3) The Five-Minute Mirror
Using just a few sentences at a time, one partner tells the other about something of recent importance between them that's a little difficult to share. The listener just listens, without any other response, and then summarizes what's been shared. For example: "I hear you saying that it's been hard for you when I stay at the office so late, and that you're sad I'm not able to spend more time with the family. Did I get that right?" If the answer is no, then the speaker shares again. If the answer is yes, then the listener follows up with, "Is there more?"
At the end of the five minutes (and making sure the speaker feels complete) take a one-minute break and then change roles. Make sure whoever goes next chooses a different subject, so that round two doesn't seem like a response to round one. If done with sensitivity and care, this exercise softens defenses and allows couples to make great leaps forward in their togetherness.
4) The Ten-Minute Message
Side by side, each partner writes in a journal or on a pad. They begin with this phrase: "If I truly lived in accord with my heart's desire..." Completing that sentence, they never stop writing, or lifting the pen from the page, until the ten minutes are up. This allows them to get past their usual self-criticism and filtering to write whatever is the most true at that very moment.
There's no way to do this wrong. Grammar and spelling don't matter. All that does matter is what emerges onto the page. When time's up, each partner reads what's been written to the other. There may be surprises and even challenging revelations. The gift, for both partners, is to support one another into dreaming up a life of greatest possible fulfillment. Whether those dreams can actually happen, and how, are questions for another day.
5) The Twenty-Minute Kiss
This kiss isn't done just with lips, although they may be involved. It's a whole body exercise. Lying together in a warm, cozy space, the couple begins by touching fingertips and looking into one another's eyes. Then they let whatever happens transpire without any planning or pleasure-seeking whatsoever.
This simple act is so unusual that it requires a bit more explanation. It's an experiment. What happens between the two us when there's no agenda or need? What feelings and sensations arise when we're not even trying to please one another? Without pre-planned steps, without any direction, how do our bodies come together? What emotions surface? What happens when we keep saying "Yes!" to everything, and just follow the flow?
That flow, when we're truly open to it, often leads to a Valentine's Day that reverberates the whole year long.
