I feel that though I've tried these methods, it does not seem to work with the mister, who has been depressed for several years. He gets into bouts of self-pitying shame. If I silently listen to him, then give him advice on how to move away from the shame, he gets mad at me for somehow validating his shame and his feelings...as if somehow my nondenial of X means I really believe he is X. If I deny that he is X straight away, then I am "dismissing" his feelings.

Also, I've asked him what he needs, but as a depressed man, he doesn't know what he needs. He feels that since I've dated him for so long, I should automatically know what he needs. Or something. I don't know. All I know is that he gets mad if I ask him what he needs from me. Oi.

I've been friends with the person for more than 7 years now. Through the years, all he ever to talked about was his failed marriage to someone he was with for a good 11 years. There was something wrong with the family dynamics of the girl and she was not mature enough to know what a marriage entails. In any case, my friend and I have been in and out, kept in touch sometimes and then we'd have a fight, not talk. Around March of last year we got together again. This time we became closer. His business started to dwindle. He started to owe me money. We'd go out drinking and other things on my dime (he kept saying he'd pay when he gets collection from clients, which never materialized). Before you know it, he's living in my home, I'm providing for his needs to a point that I got really sick because I had to keep up with him making me lose sleep. From June, to date, I feel stuck. I am deep in debt. He's somehow got through the really bottom part of the depression. He's been trying to get back on track with business and putting himself together. But I just wondered, up to what extent should I continue to help? His family (mom and siblings) do not want to help him. His ex-wife, who got everything when she left, doesn't care about him either. They don't want to understand the disease. If I leave him alone, there is no one else. I care about the man a lot. I am making adjustments to my own personality just so we can get along with his depressed self. He understands the disease very well. He makes every possible effort to get better. Medicate, exercise. With no money to go see a doctor, I can tell he is trying to cure himself.

His existence in my life has truly consumed me. I was not aware until this year that it was depression. I didn't know it earlier on. I feel I suffered through it as a result.

The information here has been very helpful to me. So often, advice on how to help a depressed person is written by depressed people themselves, and they, of course, are focusing on their own needs, which are very high. I've spent the summer helping a depressed friend and now realize that by not establishing expectations of at least some reciprocity, I set myself up for being used. In the last few weeks, I've seen how little she cares about anything but her own problems and how reluctant she is to take any responsibility for them. Don't have huge regrets and have learned a valuablwe lesson. My sympathies go out to the other two posters here.