Single adults are a growing demographic as people now marry later and divorce more frequently than in previous times. Women owe it to the feminist movement that we now have more freedom to make choices in our love lives, including the choice to remain single. Bella DePaulo has written eloquently and passionately in support of the idea that singlehood is a valid life choice, despite the fact that it still violates cultural norms (see her blog, Living Single, http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single).
Yet there is an undercurrent of self-doubt among many of the single women that I know. Acknowledgement of the desire to be in a good romantic relationship is all well and good, and expression of disappointment with not being in such a relationship is perfectly understandable as well. What disturbs me is how frequently - to the point of being truly generic - single women (and perhaps men, as well) arrive at the question, "what's wrong with me?"
The implication, of course, is that one's personal flaws must be responsible for one's present lack of a romantic partner. Why make this attribution rather than one of the other available attributions, such as, "I just haven't met the right person"? One explanation is that blaming things on oneself provides one with a sense of predictability and control that blaming things on chance or circumstances does not.
Nevertheless, the "what's wrong with me" question strikes me as singularly counterproductive, given that (a) all successful romantic relationships have involved two imperfect people, (b) whatever is "wrong" with a person may or may not be changeable anyway, and (c) if you believe the advice columnists, the route to success in romantic relationships is self-confidence rather than self-doubt (although I have seen virtually no empirical evidence supporting this claim).
Women's self doubt over singlehood reminds me of girls' and women's self-doubt over bodily imperfections (especially not being sufficiently thin). Both forms of self-doubt strike me as unfortunate consequences of normative pressures to conform to societal ideals. And both strike me as terrible wastes of perfectly good mental energy.
