Dreaming for Freud

The internal conflicts

How to Choose a Partner?

How to choose a partner Read More

I'm happy the physical was

I'm happy the physical was mentioned first because that is the first thing we see, and smell, and hear as in their voice, like was said. Very often articles about this subject ignore the physical and act like its all mental stimulation and personality and of course that does come into it, but not until you get to know someone a little. You can't "see" their personality at first sight.

The importance of the physical

Thanks for reading the blog and commenting positively! SK.

Dubious Reasoning

While there is little doubt that physical attraction is important in a relationship, connecting a parent's eloping with a man of a certain faith in her unknown, distant past to her child's preferences seems at best highly subjective.

The thought that "something physical has to attract us so strongly that the person almost seems in a strange way familiar, part of our past" seems part of our desires to be understood and those sharing a common common experiences are more likely to feel affinity and sympathy with ourselves. Notice though that this has little to do with physical attraction, despite the importance of this factor.

The "moral" factor seems to be based on the Golden Rule or, as stated, "We must be as sure as we possibly can be that the person we have chosen will treat us as we would treat them." This seems an inadequate explanation.

For example, a person may treat us well but if he or she holds hostile or crude views of others we care about then that relationship is at best superficial and doesn't encompass a range of life facets. In addition, we all have our own acknowledged and unwitting inconsistencies, especially as young adults still forming our characters. Many of us would struggle to live with our emotional twins either presently or in the future.

While common morality is important for a sustainable relationship, the lovers' individual and shared character traits provide a greater perspective including each person's preferences or cultural views, ethos and, of course, morality amongst dozens of factors of great and lesser significance.

This correspondent is not an expert on this subject and it is noted that this is an excerpt from a book. With all due respect to its author, the ideas of the published excerpt seem light and questionable.

Too much media and society pressure and expectations

What leads to failed relationships is reading other people's desires and falling prey to society's expectations of what a perfect partner and ideal relationship should be.

Although I agree with some of the questions listed in the article that one should ask when seeking a partner, I have my own criteria that are completely different.

The best relationships are those where two people can be true to themselves and their partner and not succumb to unnecessary influences by society and the media which causes incredible amounts of stress, pressure and disappointments, and unfortunately failed relationships.

THe lists of what is missing or not working gets longer and the focus is taken away from works or is positive in relationships.

Listen to your gut only!!!

Yes, the gut is a good place

Yes, the gut is a good place to begin! SK.

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Sheila Kohler teaches at Princeton. She is the author of many books including Dreaming for Freud, Becoming Jane Eyre, and Cracks, which was made into a film with Eva Green.

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