Don't Be Swayed

Smartly sizing up people and relationships

by Ori and Rom Brafman

Psychologist Rom Brafman has a private practice in Palo Alto, California; he's the co-author of Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior See full bio

August 22, 2008, Depression

Comments on "'Editing Away' Depression"

'Editing Away' Depression

By Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 22, 2008 in Don't Be Swayed

We all have headlines that define our lives, but depression turns that process upside down. Read More

I don't think it's so much

Submitted by kayla on August 22, 2008 - 3:42am.

I don't think it's so much as looking at it as "everything is going wrong" For at this point, it seems to be "this is the way life is" It is not changing, I accept it, which in some ways is a relief, yet the downward spiral is still there of course. I believe in my heart that depression will without a doubt get the best of me one day. In my heart and to others, I am true & genuine, I am open and spiritual, but I also feel as if I am dying indside and there is absolutlely no place for me and that life is just a matter of time......

Kayla, I think that's

Submitted by Rom Brafman on August 22, 2008 - 12:54pm.

Kayla, I think that's exactly what happens: the "depression" headline becomes negative and fatalistic: "It's always going to be this way." Even though there's other stuff going on in life, there's a sense that the depression is there to stay. But I think that's not accurate. I think that's how it feels, and it feels very strongly that way, but there are antidotes out there, like a good psychotherapy match. That's not the only solution by any means, but there are definitely solutions out there.

Ron, So what do you do if

Submitted by kayla on August 22, 2008 - 8:59pm.

Ron, So what do you do if you feel as if you have tried all antidotes? I have followed thru with complete consistency in psychotherapy and have been extremely open to it and other alternatives. Yet, I feel as if this is a battle that I will ultimately succumb to in the end. I no longer know how to change it, I know the tools that I need to use and I understand the complete full spectrum of it, yet it is still overpowering in every way. Just as I read your blogs and others and try and learn from it and grow in the most positive of ways, I feel as if the longer time goes on the more I realize all that all I am doing is failing in every aspect and perhaps I am causing more harm than good to those around me, most importantly with my daughter, for this is not the example I ever wished to portray to her and she does deserve so much more. This is never how I intended life to be, this is not who I am, yet somehow it manages to keep it's grasp on me and not let go and it is destroying everything within me.

You bring up a very valid

Submitted by Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 24, 2008 - 7:10pm.

You bring up a very valid point: What if you basically tried everything and it's still not enough? My best guess, from my experience (and I don't know if this necessarily applies to you specifically, but going on cases I've seen) the best thing is to find a therapist that is an excellent fit, someone who really gets you, and with whom you feel you're making regular, ongoing progress. It's one of those things that when it happens you know it, it strikes you, it's a feeling of, "Wow, now I know what therapy is meant to be." And it's not necessarily easy to find that right match, but from what I've seen when it's there, the odds of making headways increases substantially. And what I tell people who are already seeing a therapist, Well, if you have that terrific relationship with your therapist, then talk about it with them, that you don't feel you're getting better and what changes can be made so that you can make progress. And if it still doesn't work, it might be time to think about selecting a different therapist.

Thank you for your input

Submitted by kayla on August 25, 2008 - 3:54am.

Thank you for your input Ron~I appreciate it.

So sorry I kept spelling

Submitted by kayla on August 25, 2008 - 3:59am.

So sorry I kept spelling your name wrong!!!

Rom~Can I ask you a question

Submitted by kayla on August 27, 2008 - 3:55am.

Rom~Can I ask you a question thats not made public??

Kayla, it seems that there

Submitted by Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 27, 2008 - 7:08am.

Kayla, it seems that there is no private message option here, so you can send me a question at romb [at] ufl [dot] edu

Registering Headlines

Submitted by Wendy Aron on August 22, 2008 - 6:15am.

I think it's also important to note that before we change the headlines, we must recognize them. In other words, people who suffer from depression have internalized such negative headlines that they automatically become part of out thought processes without us ever realizing it. In order to stop these headlines or thoughts, we must first recognize what we are doing and label them as distortions. Then we can move on to changing them.

Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
http://www.wendyaron.com

I don't think that everyone

Submitted by anonymous on August 22, 2008 - 6:31am.

I don't think that everyone who is depressed views everything as negative, so that is not a distortion. Sometimes it is just point blank reality of life.

The one thing I never got

Submitted by Julia on August 22, 2008 - 8:16am.

The one thing I never got was how do you combat the depression when the negative headlines are just statements of reality. Sometimes people do have really bad luck and can’t take it can you really challenge their beliefs without lying to them?

Good Question.

Submitted by Listener on August 22, 2008 - 9:55am.

To overcome depression in my opinion, it's to face the "bad luck" and overcome it (and learn from it) than being overwhelmed by the experiences that has caused pain. The support of friends is really important for the one who is fighting against it, because they can clear the distortion or the blank in whoever person's life.
Everybody goes through the good and bad, but how you respond to it is what determines how easy or difficult getting out of the depression can be.

The support of friends is

Submitted by anonymous on August 22, 2008 - 10:05am.

The support of friends is absolutely crucial, but there are many that do not know how to deal with it and their reaction can actually cause more harm, especially to an already depressed individual. So, one can face the "bad luck" head on and learn from it but still be knocked down and alone.

*to win over [the hurtful

Submitted by Listener on August 22, 2008 - 9:57am.

*to win over [the hurtful experiences], I really did a typo there. I apologize.

I think that's the thing,

Submitted by Rom Brafman on August 22, 2008 - 1:00pm.

I think that's the thing, that depression headlines are more than statements of reality. If I had bad luck or if bad things happened to me, it makes sense that I would feel down. But depression headlines carry either a self-deprecating, guilt-ridden, or hopeless quality to them. The underlying events (e.g. loss of a job, loss of a loved one) might really be painful, but the interpretations of them, especially the self-judging comments, are not grounded in purely logical reasoning.

Depression

Submitted by ginger on September 1, 2008 - 5:30pm.

What about depression that is caused by multiple factors: menopause, soon to be empty nest, bad marriage. Where does one start? I used to feel the St John's Wort was helping but not anymore.....can you develop a tolerance to it, I wonder? I just feel like I want to break free so I can be myself.....the person I have not been able to be for soooo long.

I think that's exactly where

Submitted by Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on September 2, 2008 - 7:07am.

I think that's exactly where you start, honoring and creating the space for the 'real' you. What is it that I can do to nurture and build that part of me? How can I do it in a way that's transforming but not self-dictatorial?

letting go ..

Submitted by Soulful on September 29, 2008 - 1:23am.

Depression feels like this glass box that you got yourself sealed into and don't know how to get out of.You can see the world go on all around you, but You dont have the energy to even go close to the glass walls and touch the images on the other side.You just sit there and stare and feel so blue.

I have finally left my glass box .. Because I chose to.I just sat there for long enough to realise that its ok leave and reach out for life, Even if life looks so different from before.

Its called letting go .. letting all the worries and aches that is clouding your heart.Let go .. because you have felt these beautiful emotions for so long ..
(sadness and misery is part of life after all and hence beautiful in their own way) ... now is time to feel other kinds of emotions in life like happiness, love, contentment and peace ..

Its a whole new adventure now .. like an open road .. all for me to discover and rediscover ..

The power is within us .. in the choices that we make ..Choose to live .. to smile .. to laugh .. to be the wonderful person that you know you have always been deep down inside.