Don't Be Swayed

Smartly sizing up people and relationships

by Ori and Rom Brafman

Psychologist Rom Brafman has a private practice in Palo Alto, California; he's the co-author of Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior See full bio

August 18, 2008, Happiness

Comments on "Does Authenticity Lead to Happiness?"

Does Authenticity Lead to Happiness?

By Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 18, 2008 in Don't Be Swayed

A new research study tackles this decades-old qustion Read More

Being true and authentic is,

Submitted by kayla on August 18, 2008 - 5:34am.

Being true and authentic is, without question, the right path to choose. Yet, it seems as if the more aware I am of myself, my surroundings and others, everything seems to be labeled. So how real can anything actually be? If we feel something is it desire and/or fantasy? If we believe in something there is always someone to so quickly criticize or condemn and so on. In essence, is every "relationship" under false pretense from the very beginning? For I am beginning to question everything in my life, past and present as to what was actually considered "real and authentic" and that is the farthest path from happiness.

These are good questions. I

Submitted by Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 18, 2008 - 3:56pm.

These are good questions. I think that "real and authentic" is more of a subjective experience than an objective reality. I believe the goal is to be aware of my own feelings not so that I can necessarily label them but more so that I can be in touch with them; and the same thing with what's going on around me. If I can develop my voice, my genuine take at the time, and be able to own that.

So how does one stay true to

Submitted by kayla on August 19, 2008 - 5:43am.

So how does one stay true to their own feelings without allowing others to take away from that?

For me the goal--and it's a

Submitted by Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 19, 2008 - 7:33am.

For me the goal--and it's a challenging one--is to be aware of my feelings, be aware of how others are perceiving the situation, and be able to keep both perspectives in mind. Ideally, this can make the experience even more authentic: I'm experiencing it this way, this person is seeing it completely differently, and is this a good opportunity to discuss it? And if not, what's holding me back? What obstacles are there? What am I afraid that would happen? Am I comfortable with my take, my feeling, and feel that it's strong enough to share, or is it still vulnerable and fragile that for the time being it'd be better to guard it and keep it to myself? My answers to these questions vary depending on the situation, the people, and my own state of mind, but it gives me additional perspectives on where I'm at and what's going on. And sometimes, if I feel comfortable or brave enough, I can see whether others' perspectives can actually enhance my own take on a situation without robbing my own personal experience of it.

Thank you for the response ~

Submitted by kayla on August 19, 2008 - 8:22am.

Thank you for the response ~ I am very aware and much more open than I've ever been yet at the same time, I am still so guarded. So, perhaps that is where the questioning of everything comes in. I cannot move forward without letting down my guard yet I still allow the depression to inhibit who I am.

Yes, that's the thing about

Submitted by Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 19, 2008 - 2:07pm.

Yes, that's the thing about depression, it holds us back. But I think that your willingness to explore and being open is a great tool to move forward.

its part of the human nature

Submitted by farouk on August 19, 2008 - 2:57am.

its part of the human nature to label everything, if you were criticized then it doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong

Humanistic Psychology and Depression

Submitted by Wendy Aron on August 19, 2008 - 5:04am.

I thinks it's great to be authentic and capable of expressing your feelings in the moment, but for people like me, who suffer from depression, it's easier said than done. Most of us are so disconnected from our true feelings that it is impossible, without a therapist's help, to get at them. For the depressed, I think that has to be the first goal of therapy.

Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
http://www.wendyaron.com

I agree. I think that a lot

Submitted by Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 19, 2008 - 7:36am.

I agree. I think that a lot of times one contributes to the other: not being in touch with my authentic feelings can exacerbate depression, and feeling depressed makes it that much harder to be in touch with the underlying feelings.

Authenticity

Submitted by Mandy on August 25, 2008 - 1:54am.

I find that my authenticity comes across as aggressive! I've suffred depression but have I. As it just been a reaction to my upbringing, to my life circumstances? I've wondered about this often times. But when I decided I was no longer going to be a victim, well did I then become the bully. I like neither. So what now?

The way I would look at it,

Submitted by Rom Brafman, Ph.D. on August 27, 2008 - 6:43am.

The way I would look at it, being a victim means you don't have access to your voice. Being angry is a way to reclaim your voice, but it's still a defense. I don't think there's anything wrong with anger or standing up for what you believe in, but when anger is expressed in a hostile way then, as you say, it comes across as bullying. For me, being authentic means being in touch with what's underneath, maybe feeling hurt, or scared, or unsure, or vulnerable. I think of anger as a guard to protect you, and what it's protecting is your authentic feelings. So, for example, if my friend canceled a meeting last minute and my immediate reaction is 'What a rotten thing to do!' but then I can say to myself, maybe my friend didn't realize the way I was feeling and maybe I can convey that in a more authentic way, so I would say something like, 'When you changed plans last minute it felt a little weird, almost like a small whiplash, because I was really looking forward to seeing you. And I understand that you didn't do it on purpose and something came up. I don't want you to feel bad or guilty or anything, just wanted to let you know that our friendship is important to me and I wanted to be frank with you.' It's really difficult to find the right words, and it's so much easier just to get upset, but what I found is that usually when I'm being really authentic that people really value it: I'm not as vulnerable as I think I will be.

Yes, yes

Submitted by mandy on August 28, 2008 - 2:34pm.

Yes, yes what you said hit home. I hide all kinds of truths behind my anger. I watched an episode of Frasier and he concluded that he rejected women because he feared being rejected. He kinda summerised it thus 'I choose to be alone because I'm scared of being alone'.I had to say it in my head a few times before I could grasp the reality of what he was saying. And then I had an epiphany. I push and push and push through fear of being abandoned. And gues what?? I'm abandoned. I guess now I've got some of the tools I need to change and in future when I feel the madness snapping at me, I'm going to take a peek behind the emotion and see what's happening underneath because I know for certain that the circumstances will have surely tapped into something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue!!

Thanks for being part of my journey......