Domestic Intelligence

From surly teens to tough mothers-in-law, how to understand what's going on in your family.
Dr. Terri Apter is Senior Tutor at Newnham College, University of Cambridge. Her most recent book is The Sister Knot (2007). Her personal website is terriapter.com. See full bio

Sisters: love and rivalry

Reflections on the power of sibling love and rivalry

They have both recovered, and are both close and conflicted, as normal sisters are. Sometimes Sam thinks that Gina is insufficiently grateful, and this bewilders Gina: "Of course I'm grateful! But am I supposed to love her like a saint because of what she's done? I would have done the same for her. Can't we just go back to being ordinary sisters, with our ordinary ups and downs?"
It's often difficult to catch hold of the sister knot because of its many strands and complications. "Ordinary" sisters continue to have "ordinary ups and downs", yet I also discovered that grief at a sister's death lingers throughout one's life. When 18-year-old Amy spoke of her older sister who had died three years before, she said, "I feel her inside me. She's a real part of me, still." The attachment and identification, combined with the guilt of our mixed feelings, make mourning for a sibling one of the most long-term.
The sister bond is long-term. Older women remain highly loyal to their sisters; they are stimulated by each other's company. I imagine my older sister as a comforting and infuriating companion even at age ninety. She'll be bossy, but also she'll remind me of what I can do, even when the frailty of age takes over. There are times when I think that no one has greater faith in my abilities or more comprehensive acceptance of my limitations. She has made her mark on me, and not only with her teeth. Like Amy, I can locate my sister's place inside my soul.

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