Success can be a double edged sword. On one hand, we likely all want to be successful in areas that are important to us (e.g.,
education,
career, income,
sports) and we want those who we are close to and invested in (e.g., our spouse, children, grandchildren) to be successful too. We may also wish to share the news of our success with others. Yet success can so quickly illicit
envy, distain, and even hostility in many of our relationships with peers, neighbors, colleagues, friends, siblings, and so forth.
You likely have had the experience of an important success that you were very pleased and proud of and then having the wind knocked out of you when someone of some importance to you made a disparaging comment about it, diminished your achievement in some way, or did something to bring you down to earth.
Why is it that your success may be perceived as someone else's failure? Your gain is someone else's loss. There are a variety of useful theories about this phenomenon and the one I would like to highlight in this blog post is
social comparison theory. It suggests that we constantly evaluate ourselves and our standing in the world based on those around us. This is true for all sorts of self and other evaluations. Weight, health,
beauty, wealth,
intelligence, success, and so forth. Most of us have the social skills and
impulse control to keep our envy and social comparisons quiet but it often comes out in subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) ways.
So, how do we cope with the challenge of wanting success (as we define it) without losing the support and care from those around us? No magic answers on this one. However, there are some important principles to consider.
First, know that your success (and those of your spouse, kids, grandkids, etc) may be perceived as a threat to others. Social comparison theory would predict that your success could make others in your life feel pretty bad. This is especially true if your success is in an area that is highly valued by others.
Second, be mindful that since others may not share your happiness with your success some good things that happen to you should be kept quiet if you want to maintain pleasant interpersonal relationships with others. So, be selective with who you share your good news with.
Third, don't take it personal when people may be more distant from you after learning of your success or if they try to diminish your happiness about it. Again, some people are better able to manage their feelings and impulses about this than others.
So, success seems to have a downside in terms of reactions from others. How do you deal with it?
