Divorce for Grownups

Hello,
I work 3rd shift & my marriage has gone down hill. I am trying everything I can to get on to 1st shift. I asked my husband why we hadn't had any intimacy. I said that I feel that our marriage is ending up like a couple's marriage that we know. They haven't been intimate for 4 months...same as us now. I knew that he had some bladder infection that he was taking antibiotics for this & that it would be some time before he felt better again. But, his reply was that I had gained back all the weight I had previously lost and had gained it back so fast that he is not attracted to me right now. I was very hurt that he didn't say anything about this before. But, then I should have known that I cannot be that attractive anymore due to the weight gain. He then felt bad a few days later and said it's not only the weight gain, but that he feels his testosterone levels have dropped & feels like there have been some changes in his body where he doesn't even have the desire anymore. He feels that he is getting old(he's only 45) and that he is approaching the end of his youth. He said he was sorry for saying anything about the weight gain and feels he has ruined our marriage. I told him it was a good thing he had said something since I am now back on track and exercising and eating right. I lost the 70 lbs before and I can do it again. I want my husband to be attracted to me again & I want intimacy. I'm not sure where we are headed...I am very confused.
Any suggestions? Thanks!

While your list of things to look out for would signal problems in a "normal" relationship, they do not apply when someone is married to a narcissist or sociopath.

You might want to clarify that in those types of cases the "I don't love you anymore and want a divorce" can come completely out of the blue with absolutely no advance warning.

The resulting trauma of the unsuspecting spouse as they learn they were married to an illusion doesn't need to be compounded by someone telling them they should have seen it coming.

Tessa

When a mans test levels drop, that is very serious. it causes weight gain, depression, lack of interest in anything prety much, maybe encouraging him to go to the family doctor, will help you to get started in getting back a peice of your marraige. If his testosterone levels have indeed dropped drastically, there is a chance he will be put on testosterone, which in time will help him become and feel like a man again. give him energy and a sex drive!!!

some councelling doesnt hurt either, as long as you are able to find someone that you can both feel like you can talk to.

good luck.

I think that the conflict resolution issue is most telling. If you cannot resolve conflict short of war, then there is no chance -- becuase that means that at least one partner does not want to resolve conflict.

I also agree with Gottman that contempt is the thing that tips the scale from "save" to "divorce". I think that a marriage has passed the point of no return once one partner feels contempt -- particularly when they no longer can or bother to hide it ...

I think that the conflict resolution issue is most telling. If you cannot resolve conflict short of war, then there is no chance -- becuase that means that at least one partner does not want to resolve conflict.

I also agree with Gottman that contempt is the thing that tips the scale from "save" to "divorce". I think that a marriage has passed the point of no return once one partner feels contempt -- particularly when they no longer can or bother to hide it ...

Am I screwed and not know it, I see 5 of the 6 happening to me right now.

Ok it is probably all 6

I still do not drink or smoke and I exercise regularly, at home and I only go out once a month to a meeting, no alcohol

I work average hours and I do all of the cooking and cleaning and laundry and the home work thing with the kids

could it be we have drifted apart? she does have some colorful adjectives for me which I will not write here and she has made comments about my weight, ok I my pants were getting tight, they were 32" s, she actually said I was fat

perhaps the best thing to do, at least for my own sanity is to...

I don't know where to start. I work 40 hours a week, as my husband does. We have a 6 year old daughter, in 1st grade. There are times where I hate my husband so much I wish he were "gone". Other times I just put up with him. Here are a few of the issue that I try to communicate with him.
When he gets home, his day is done. No helping with dinner/dishes, housework, laundry, or worse very little interaction with our daughter. He is mostly on the computer. I ask fro help with things and I get, "can it wait?", or "can I get to it tomorrow", or "I will just make it worse". I help him alot with his outside work.. leaves, trimming the grass and cleaning the gutters. I ask for help in return, he agrees but does not come through with the promise of helping. He loves our daughter dearly, but, will not tell her no or give any discipline. He calls me for back up. When I get her ready for bed, he acts like I am mean for making her go to bed at 8:30pm. He starts moaning and saying,"come on 5 more minutes, one more show." This is all done in front of her. We have had several discussions about these issues and he says he needs some help working on these. I have been very patient and helpful, but see no improvement at all. All of the same issues are still very much there. Other than working and his outside work, I get very very little help with anything. He also makes it sound like we make a good team, but I always say, " there is no team in I." His comment to get out of it is that I make him feel like he dosen't do anything. Well, he dosen't help me where I need help. But i help him even though the house work still isn't done. I could go on for hours, but need to calm down. Can someone give me some enlightenment on this, PLEASE!!!