Divorce for Grownups

The only thing I'd add is that you might want to educate yourself about the legal issues of divorce in your state before having this conversation. A friend of mine recently divorced her husband in New York and found, only after everything was already in motion, that the law basically requires that divorce be confrontational. Both partners just wanting out isn't good enough. One of the partners has to demonstrate abuse, neglect, or some other compelling affront to justify dissolving the marriage. Absurd, but true, apparently.

I think you made some good points, Thanks for the Insight. Surviving divorce and separation is hard to deal with.

Very helpful article. I just want to add the following:
For the past 25 years I have worked with couples and individuals who have decided to end their marriage. I practice in California and always recommend Nolo Press's book HOW TO DO YOUR OWN DIVORCE IN CALIFORNIA. Even though most of my clients get legal advice, I suggest they read this book before they have talk with their spouse.

I found the article very helpful, but would also like to add my suggestions before the divorce petitioner talks with the spouse. First, I suggest contacting an attorney for a consultation regarding information about the laws of the state in which he or she lives. For example, many men and women do not understand the division of community property and custody issues if they have children. Secondly, I suggest that the divorce petitioner contact a marriage and family therapist or a pastor to talk through the process. Although a decision may have been reached, the divorce petitioner is going to need emotional support. Even for the most enlightened person, this is a painful decision!

This is a good article, very helpful, but assumes that the respondant (spouse being "left") is capable of a civil, reasonable relationship with the petitioner. That is not always the case. I strongly reccommend that, if you are absolutely certain you want a divorce and have exhausted all other avenues, you initiate the paperwork prior to telling the spouse. Especially if your spouse has a history of over the top behaviors when confronted in the past. Also, have a plan on how to separate.

Divorce is tough on both parties. Men should be aware of all the laws involved or at least know where to look for resources on advice for divorce. There is alot of info out there other than just listening to your attorney. Men start your research and go into court prepared. http://www.dadsdivorce.com

Happy to report that as of August 16, 2010 all states, including New York (finally!) allow No Fault divorce. Divorce mediation allows couples how have decided to part with the resources to work out the terms of their divorce in a peaceful positive manner. Clearly not having to figure out who to blame makes the process less adversarial at the onset. The decision to divorce and telling your partner is never easy, but the process of settling the terms and working out ongoing parenting plans should not be more stressful. CFRMediation.com believes that divorce mediation allows partners & spouses to make the best decisions.

The American justice Dept. have recently approved the power of yoga and meditation vide a recent judgement in the American court." Man Who Slapped Wife Sentenced to Yoga, It's Anger Management, Says Judge." First there was house arrest. Now there's yoga.Yogi is a seer or sage who, by deep and long meditation, prayer, study of man and the universe, at last reaches illumination or wisdom, whereby he thoroughly understands the many perplexing problems of life and can solve them. The Yogis have the very highest respect and the purest love for women. We know that woman is a finer organization than man, and in India, you never hear the Hindus of culture or refinement ever refer to woman as the "weaker vessel." Man to reach his highest development must look up to woman, the mother of creation, and love her with the highest and purest love, and respect her with the highest respect. No man can become great until he has this respect for woman. Woman is the "finer vessel," and not the "weaker vessel."
Meditation can control anger also. "Anger is a very powerful emotion that can
stem from feelings of frustration, hurt, annoyance or disappointment.

It is a normal human emotion that can range
from slight irritation to strong rage.
Anger can be harmful or helpful, depending upon how it is expressed.

Knowing how to recognize and express anger in appropriate ways can help
people to reach goals, handle emergencies, and solve problems.
However, problems can occur if people fail to recognize and understand
their anger.
What Are the Dangers of Suppressed
Anger?
Suppressed anger can be an underlying cause
of anxiety and depression.
Anger that is not appropriately expressed
can disrupt relationships, affect thinking and behavior patterns, and create a
variety of physical problems.
Chronic (long-term) anger has been linked to
health issues such as high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders,
and digestive problems.
In addition, anger can be linked to problems
such as crime, emotional and physical abuse, and other violent
behavior.
How Can I Manage Anger?
When you start feeling angry, try deep
breathing, positive self-talk, or stopping your angry thoughts. Breathe deeply
from your diaphragm. Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax" or
"take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply until the anger
subsides.
Although expressing anger is better than
keeping it in, anger should be expressed in an appropriate way. Frequent
outbursts of anger are often counter-productive and cause problems in
relationships with others. Angry outbursts are also stressful to your nervous
and cardiovascular systems and can make health problems worse. Learning how to
use assertiveness is the healthy way to express your feelings, needs, and
preferences. Being assertive can be used in place of using anger in these
situations." A judge ordered a man convicted of slapping his wife to take a yoga class as part of his one-year probation. "It's part of anger management," County Criminal Court at Law Judge Larry Standley said of the ancient Hindu philosophy of exercise and well-being. "For people who are into it, it really calms them down. " Standley, a former prosecutor, said the case of James Lee Cross was unique. Cross, a 53-year-old car salesman from Tomball, explained that his wife was struggling with a substance abuse problem and that he struck her on New Year's Eve during an argument about her drinking. "He was trying to get a hold of her because she has a problem," Standley said after the court hearing. "I thought this would help him realize that he only has control over himself." The sentence came as a surprise to Cross, who was told to enroll in a class and report back to Standley on his progress. "I'm not very familiar with it," Cross said of yoga. "From what I understand, it may help in a couple ways, not only as far as mentally settling, but maybe a little weight loss." Darla Magee, an instructor at Yoga Body Houston in River Oaks, said she would recommend that Cross take a basic yoga class emphasizing breathing and including a variety of postures -- forward bends, back bends and twists. "Yoga can help us to get rid of many emotional issues we might have," she said. "It's a spiritual cleanse." Prosecutor Lincoln Goodwin agreed to a sentence of probation without jail time because Cross had no significant criminal history http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/metropolitan/2365341.

My husband is dr.jeckyl and mr. hyde, so I am worried about this conversation.

Your article refers to telling him...while the title is for a general spouse. I would think you yourself the writer would be less condescending if you carried that tell your spouse about divorce rhetoric through the article. You seem to reinforce the notion that women use divorce to get paid and get to where the grass is greener. All the other comments here also come from women, illustrating that women do research on destroying the lives of good husbands and good men. They also start early by dividing the relationship years in advance. Thank you for being yourself, a very low denominator of a person.

All in psychology today, I guess psychs are low level bottom feeders after all. And is it not a coincidence that this seems to be a mecca for "women" in general.

This seems very disfunctional to me. You've been unhappy for some time, and you should communicate this to your spouse with the irrevocable decision to divorce?
Maybe I'm naive, but I should think that any serious work on a marriage would have to occur at some point after your spouse has been informed of your dissatisfaction. And I believe that such work should be the first priority of any reasonable person, after taking marriage vows.
This just really seems to place no value on commitment.

I found this article to be very helpful. After considering a divorce for the last few years, I have come to the conclusion that it is time to just get it over with. This doesn't mean that I am heartless, uncaring, out to just destroy a "good man"...it means that I am no longer interested in trying to "fix it". As in the article, my husband's mind is one that sees everything as being happy and fine, even though we have not really connected in several years - no intimacy, no companionship, no like interests - just lonliness, feeling inadequate and undesireable...I simply want out - after all, if I have to feel so alone all the time, I would rather be alone and rebuild my life to a point where I can be happy.

Isn't it amazing though how those that come on here posting with a simple agenda of "bashing" have to do it under the name of "anonymous!

Totally same situation and now,realising that you only get one life, have decided I cannot remain in a soulless relationship.

Unfortunate but having tried to keep things going with all the situations described in the article I now have to move on.