business does not fly. Absolutely not. That is a statement of blame, pure and simple.

I used to get "I'm sorry YOU got hurt by that..."

?!

He was blaming me for the consequences of his own behavior.

This was a man who refused to take any responsibility for his own actions or the consequences of them. This was a man who could not and would not apologize - no matter what. Ever.

He's gone now.

Because that's what happens. As well it should.

OK. But how to get the man to read these instructions?? Chances are that any man who is unwilling to apologize will also be unwilling to get help for this issue.

I would have to agree with you Cindy. It seems that a person who won't apologize would likely not be too receptive to instructions on how to, but what do I know? I think that a person could follow these instructions, and would still be missing an extremely vital elementof an effective apology. It's sincerity. The actual feeling of remorse. The article only mentions "looking" remorseful, not actually trying to understand the consequences of the hurtful actions.

Some men may approach offering an apology differently than some women. Perhaps because of different childhood social experiences, some men may have different ideas about just what is at stake when it comes to offering an apology. They may have had little previous experience with productive apologizing (i.e., apologizing to someone who is willing to listen and who accepts the apology and who doesn't simply wish to humiliate and punish the person giving the apology).

Many women practiced apologizing when they were girls. When they got into fights with female friends, they would use words to accuse each other, to advise each other, as well as to explain their behavior to each other, and, eventually, to apologize to each other or to accept an apology. In contrast, some men may not have practiced apologizing to peers in a productive manner as boys. Consequently, some men may have different memories of prior apologizing experiences, and different associated ideas about what it means to apologize and how it feels to apologize, as well as how others receive apologies.

If a child doesn't practice productively apologizing and accepting genuine apologies, he may grow up to be an adult whose only past experiences apologizing were negative. Maybe as a child he had to apologize when an adult or older sibling caught him doing something that they didn't want him to do. Without previous productive apologizing experiences, apologizing may be associated with feelings of humiliation and shame. For such an individual, an internal dialogue might go something like "I feel humiliated and ashamed of what I did. This apology is an acknowledgment of my shame and this apology is meant to increase my shame and humiliation. Having to apologize is itself a part of my punishment." Thus, for children who do not practice apologizing productively, apologizing may never become associated with acceptable feelings and may never be viewed as a way to reach effective solutions to interpersonal problems. By comparison, a child who does practice productive apologizing might say to himself "I feel ashamed of what I did. Apologizing will help me to improve the situation. I know that by apologizing, I will show that I am truly sorry and that I want to change and not repeat the mistake in the future. I can expect to be forgiven if what I did was not too terrible, and I can expect that I will be given another chance to improve in the future".

Men (and women for that matter) who have not practiced verbally apologizing to peers during childhood or who have not experienced productive apologizing may conceptualize apologizing differently than adults who have. Apologizing to a wife or girlfriend, for a man who has never experienced productive apologizing, may appear to be similar to apologizing to a punitive father or angry mother or vindictive sibling or spiteful coach or authoritarian teacher. Maybe it's these men in particular who might benefit from advice about apologizing posted on a fridge or "accidentally" left lying around the house?

Very smart post. Gender does matter, and for whatever reason, the ability of women to apologize more easily delivers some important benefits. It's not a stretch to account for the longer longevity of women than men to their ease of apoloogy.

My take on the offender requesting forgiveness is a little different than yours. I think that it's presumptuous for an offender to ask the victim for forgiveness. What I suggest is that the reuest be linked to an action, something like, I intend to work hard to show you that I am trustworthy and that someday I may be earn your forgiveness.

I explore all the themes of aplogy in my new book, Effective-Apology: Mending Fences, Building Bridges, and Restoring Trust.

I search and search the web to find the best way to apologize. This is a very interesting article and made me think of a oopsimsorry.com, a site I visit rather frequently, and have posted a few messages on. Apologies need to be given, we can't forget that, male or female.

I would have appreciated this article more if the author had included how it seems that women need to hear apologies. It has been my experience that they often are offended because of their insecurities and so they want/expect apologies when sometimes no apology is warranted.

It would have been good if the author included a section on how to apologize to a woman when no apology is necessary. I know this sounds sexist, but since this article is so sexist I can't help it.

Agreed with above poster. I was in a relationship with a girl who had some deep insecurities about herself, and when the relationship started going bad, I was basically expected to apologize for everything. Talk about emotionally exhausting, being wrong all the time!

So it seems there is something both sides can learn from the other (which is usually the case), rather than guys simply learning from the girls (which is the politically correct case). I'd say that as much as guys need to learn how to apologize, girls need just as much to learn when something is actually inconsequential, doesn't need an apology, and should be dropped.