Psychological stamina- The difference between those who make it and those who don't Read More
Comparing marriage to the Trail is apropos.
People don't really think about the down side of marriage. They "know" that things will "get hard." But really, they have no idea what that means...and most don't really care.
I had a friend whose fiancé cheated on her but she still married him. NOTHING would've stopped her from marrying him. He left her for another woman 13 years later. When I tried to talk her out of marrying him, her response was "you're just jealous" and therefore trying to sabotage me. I shut up in order to save the friendship. She now wishes she'd listened to me -- of course.
I had another roommate in college who was getting married. She met someone else and had a brief little fling with him, but she still got married. I tried to talk her out of that marriage as well, to no avail. I got the "you're jealous" speech once again. I've never tried to talk anyone out of marriage since. They don't want to hear it. They don't want to listen. THEY WANT TO BE MARRIED. Well, at least they want to GET married. Validation. Social capital. Never mind if it won't work out. I've even had friends say, well at least I was married. Poor single women who can't get a man. I may be divorced, but I was married so I'm not a loser. It really is terrifically sad. [And, my roommate's marriage ended within the year.]
Thanks for your response. Marriage isn't easy. It's especially not easy of your spouse leaves you without putting effort into working it out.
The upfront work is where you should focus. The rest will become somewhat easier if you do.
The upfront work should be put in not the blind allegiance to the fairytale.
The problem I see is that marriage shouldn't be up on this pedestal that women put it up on. It is just a way to live your life. There's nothing magical about it. It doesn't transform you from sad sack to beautiful swan.
Think about it before you do it. Really stop and think about it. Are you doing it for the right reasons? Can you even be trusted to know that? A lot of very difficult self-reflection is needed. Ask yourself this...would I want to be with this man if he didn't want marriage? If he just wanted to live together? So, is it the man you're in love with? If you're in love with him, why leave him if he won't "commit"? Is love your goal or is marriage?
I read a story about a pastor who made all the couples he married write letters to each other on the eve of their wedding--about why they loved each other, why they were getting married, and why it would last forever, and one to their future kids. On the day of the wedding they gave him the letters, sealed. He put them in a box with a bottle of port and two glasses and sealed it, with the instructions that if they ever felt they were at a place where the marriage had to end and they were seriously considering divorce, they should open the box, read the letters, drink the wine, and call him if they still could not resolve their issues.
It's a thought...
I just read this story on my Facebook page and it reminded me of my son. So, thanks for sharing this. I love it!
Thanks for your feedback.
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Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, is the Director of The Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado and Woodstock, Illinois and founder of divorcebusting.com.
When and how should we open up to loved ones?