I think the fact that the media reports on it so often makes it seem as though "everyone is doing it," and that the consequences are not that bad (e.g., the Clintons are still together). But I agree with you that more should be made of the terrible damage that infidelity causes, not just for the couple, but for their children. I have many adults in my sex therapy practice who are damaged by their parents' indiscretions, and worse, I think their parents have no idea because it is taboo to talk about sex.

If the depressed cheater is not medicinally treated nothing will change. They will continue with their empty emotional retardation.If the spouse has no or little depression they will flounder,most likely because children are involved. Sincerely,David

Michele,

Infidelity often seems to be an extreme reaction to a fair amount of marital dissatisfaction. Dealing with the dissatisfaction might cause less disruption to the marriage, but the infidelity is a shimmering mirage (often a chimera) that seems enticing at the time--and usually solves nothing. As with focusing on treating diseases instead of preventing them, cleaning up after infidelity is less salubrious than preventing it in the first place.

I'll bet you have some great ideas about preventing infidelity and I'd love to see a post from you on it.

Melanie

You are so right when you say nothing is ever the same again after infidelity--and when there are multiple events over the years, the person cheated on is never the same again either. If people could only realize the full consequences of this behavior on the family as a whole and how it changes children's lives and their ability to have open, trusting relationships also, which then affects THEIR children's lives, and so on. It's a vicious cycle. Today, marriage is not necessarily right for everyone and those that feel they cannot honor its commitments could easily choose to remain single. Now that I think about it, tho, I realize that even infidelity in so-called committed nonmarital relationships is shocking and painful. A charming smile, a hangdog apology, and a bouquet of flowers just doesn't cut it--

Trust is built upon many many experiences over a long period of time. Infidelity, whether physical or emotional, can destroy that trust in a moment. The whole world of the relationship undergoes a review. Was this true? Was that real? In some cultures, male infidelity is tolerated. But in our culture I think that saying infidelity can be overcome in a relationship is asking a spouse to change their world view. That, too, would take many experiences over a long period of time.

I found out 4 weeks ago that my wife had an affair 17 years ago. I'd never even considered whether it might be a deal breaker for me, because I was so sure she would never do anything like this. Well, after 4 weeks of crying every day, chest pains, losing 10 pounds, not sleeping, and not being able to imagine ever looking at her the same way, I've come to realize that for me this is a deal breaker. After nearly 34 years of marriage, I asked her for a divorce today. It doesn't feel good, but it feels like a step in the right direction. Yeah, you need to warn people that there are consequences to their behavior. The message that it can be fixed in therapy sounds too much like permission.

I discovered that my then-husband was being unfaithful. I was more hurt than words can portray, but I also knew that I loved him deeply, and wanted to keep the marriage together for our sake, and our children. I was completely surprised that he had been unhappy, let alone thought that he would have an affair.
However, my willingness to forgive, to work on the marriage, was not enough. He would not participate in counseling, soon left the home, and has since divorced me and purchased a house with the other woman. He lives there with her four children, and only has "traditional" visitation with his own.
Now, after two years of counseling, reading and much soul-searching, I understand that I will go on to be ok on my own. I weep for my children, though.
Along with writing about the difficult road that reconciliation can prove to be, I hope that you will also give guidance to those who try, only to find that their once-loving spouse is just too far gone. Forgiveness must go both ways.

There are different kinds of polygamy and infidelity (which include emotional affairs). If I am married and happy with my life and wife then I may be a very greedy and selfish person who thinks that I can have my cake and eat it too (maximize my happiness with increased risk to potential misery) and then I can cheat. but this is acceptable because I will not ever leave my wife and is very advantageous when I don't get caught. How will she catch me if I share (only) my heart with another women anyway?

However if I'm unhappy with my life/wife, then cheating is just a cheap way of (trying to) end(ing) the relationship. In my eyes, ending a relationship is just as bad as cheating because it's a breaking the commitment that two people have made.

But as in the first case, if my goal is to keep the relationship alive, and sneak in some dessert that I don't 'deserve', then that's a different story, and very common. If I get caught in this case, or if I catch my wife eating her 'desert' that she doesn't deserve, then I will be upset, but move on. If she comes back to me and tries to make me happy and shower me with love and great sex (even more love/sex now because she feels guilty), then that's what I truly care about and will accept what she did. While many others might be overcome with "jealousy", I wouldn't.
But I'd be very very jealous if she left me for another man and didn't come back. Then I would think she found something better than me and that would make me very insecure.