I totally agree with everything you say. Unfortunately, I have a husband who feels it's his duty to tell me "the truth". The truth involves telling me every 2-3 weeks what a disappointment I am to him. This week he told me I was a horrible wife. Since I'm not a saint, I get very defensive and hurt. I've tried explaining to him how hurtful his words are and ask him to try saying it differently or talk to me from his heart, he will not back down. I find his words destructive.

i think that looking behind the hidden meaning of a phrase might make it sound less aggressive, you are right

I decided I'd try this technique moderating a heated discussion between my two teenagers. When I said we were going to Starbucks for a discussion they wanted to know if we were moving - no; if their Dad and I were getting back together - no and various other topics except the real one. Waiting until the heat of the argument was over was definitely a good move and having the discussion in a public place also meant they had to behave. I'd say it was moderately successful but I'm definitely willing to keep trying it - if it can teach my children good communication skills, it's worth the extra effort.