I really loved your article!!!!
The problem is that "criticism" has become the basis for marriage and instead of concentrating on the positive aspects of our spouse, we're continuously complaining and finding fault.
The very things that attracted us in the beginning, become annoying. We're always finding fault and "looking" for points to bitch about.
We stop going out together because our "independence" is so important to us.
Perhaps marriage is an out-dated conception BUT if we want to keep our marriages working, we should concentrate on puting our partners before ourselves sometimes and to stop the "nit-picking".
Marriage is hard work but it's possible.

I love your advice to "think about one or two small things that my partner and I could do this week". It's easier to start from small things not the biggest elephants in the room, but over time small things will add up.

I'm a big fan of making resolutions throughout the year, not just on New Year's eve. So much so that myself and two friends created http://www.pledgehammer.com on our free time. It provides you with an easy way to write your resolutions down and share with whoever you want to share them with. It also has a charitable 'flipside' to it - if your resolution doesn't stand it asks you to donate money to charity. So either way the world will be a little bit better.

Would love to hear some feedback to the service.

Hi Michele,

Beautiful article. I agree with Andrus that "the small things add up."

In my own practice I find that some couples have an easier time focusing on the small things they can do together than on creating those important goals together. I've created several resources to help them do just that.

Many love to receive a free activity suggestion by email every week as well as a booklet of "24 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" available at http://www.BeingHappyBook.com

Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

Thanks for the great suggestions. I am vaguely formulating my resolutions for 2009, and your article helps to focus my thinking.

I would like to make one observation: Many people don't start out being "critical" of their partners. First, they do try approaching problems positively, such as "Honey, could you help out by hanging your wet towels on the rack?"

But when the first 2,245 polite, "positive" requests go unheeded, it's very easy to downspiral into criticism. And when these criticisms start feeling overwhelming and relentless (to both parties) but traditional self-help and couples-counseling tactics fail, it's time to broaden the lens. Specifically, it's time to consider the possibility of neurocognitive disorders such as ADHD.

They're more common than most of us ever suspected, and, when left unrecognized and unaddressed, they can ruin relationships in a hurry.

Happy 2009,
Gina Pera, author-ADHD Advocate
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder
http://www.ADHDRollerCoaster.com

My wife and I shared our individual resolutions with one another and had a few relationship resolutions in common. The challenge I tend to have is that my goals/resolutions are often too business-like and not very marriage-friendly. My wife checks me saying, "I married husband-Marc not business-Marc, bring him back." :o)

Thanks for the great post Michele!

-Marc

After thirty years of marriage, I have two friends who still plan their "date night" for every Friday night. Of course, sometimes other obligations have gotten in the way through so many years, but they both feel it is important and continue the ritual. They don't just go out for a rushed evening, either. They clean up and dress up just as they did when they were dating, so the other person has a chance to see them at their best, and they have a nice dinner somewhere or do something together they both enjoy. This is not a night for discussing the kids or work, it's a night for focusing on the romance of their caring for one another.

Yes, this is exactly what my husband and I have been doing. With our busy schedules and independent streaks, it's easy for us to drift apart. It seems contrived, but we have to consciously make an effort...and when we do, we certainly reap the rewards! Here's to a year of healthy marriage!